Failure, Depression, and Redemption

Wow, have I really not lived up to my own expectations. Hello to anybody who might have expected me to be writing making more regular contributions to this blog. I am right there with you! I guess I should begin with a summary of events thus far.

I had, after taking a two week break after bootcamp, gotten started quite strong on the job search. I put in about 40+ applications and worked on a number of small projects to keep myself sharp. I was then contacted by a recruiter and started down the interview process with a hospital group! The first few interviews went really well! I spoke to the recruiter, and then the lead engineer, and moved on to the final round group interview with the entire engineering team. I was so excited. I felt that I would be a great fit since my interview with the hiring engineer seemed to impress. I decided for the group interview, I would do an entire project simulating the type of system that they were trying to create (scaled down, of course) and demonstrate a sincere ability to accomplish what their team was looking to do. Come interview day, I seemed to get along well with the team and I felt I had potentially landed the job. However, as the days passed by, and I received no word, my hope started to crumble. I reached out and found out that unfortunately, I did not get the job.

I was crushed. I knew it was stupid to expect to land the job after my very first final round interview, but it hurt regardless. Leading up to hearing that I had not in fact gotten the job, the anxiety had killed my productivity. I essentially passed my days avoiding thinking about coding, as waiting to hear back was causing me extreme distress. Upon finding out I had failed to live up to my expectation, I went in to a terrible funk. I didn’t code, apply for jobs, study, or do anything. I’ve basically up until like yesterday been doing nothing.

Despite all failures, both material and spiritually, today is the day. So far, we’ve done leetcode for 2 hours, been going through Colt Steele’s javascript algorithms and data structures masterclass, worked out, and applied for 7 jobs. As much of a failure I feel like I have been thus far, I believe in myself. I have significant trepidation regarding live coding challenges, so I am focusing significant energy there. I know I am a pretty spectacular engineer. It is time to double down on my efforts, and renew my dedication to finding myself an opportunity that values what I have to offer.

I hereby solemnly swear that I will succeed. My failures so far will serve as lessons on the road to the realization of my goals. So many great things await me on the other side of the mountain. I cannot wait to report my successes to any and all of you who read this.

To those of you who read my previous post, I want to thank you. To be honest, I was really quite surprised to see how many people took the time to read! I also appreciate the kind words of encouragement offered by Martin Vidal. It’s funny how the kind words of a stranger can feel so impactful in a world that often feels apathetic towards your personal struggles. I wish you all good health and fortune as we close out the year and soldier on into the future!

Nicholas Leon

Software Engineer