Written by Nick Brigis and Jude Flannelly.

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Photo by Brianna Santellan on Unsplash

“Uh oh! Looks like I made a little #PuddlesPiddle in the living room. It seems like my “dogfather” Keith had a little too much fun at his work happy hour last night and forgot to take his favorite doggo out for a walk. Who else forgets their responsibilities from time to time?” #ifdogscouldtalk #corgi #corgsofinstagram #lovelife #overcastday #happyhourproblems

— 8:55 am posted by Jessica to @puddles_da_prince

Do you think Airbud was named to the starting five by accident? Of course not, he had to pay his doggie dues — just like daddy was doing last night by pounding jack and cokes with the CRO until 3 AM. Daddy is a closer, and he just wants the best life for his wife and dog son. …

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Photo by Taylor Wilcox on Unsplash

‘Sup teach. Billy Berrickson in the house. The man, the myth, the legend of Sugar Creek Middle School. Now, I’m sure you’ve had a few bad apples in your class before; odds are good — you are hella old. So I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking you can handle whatever some kid can throw your way. You are wrong — dead wrong. You better buckle up Toots, cause class with me is like riding in the magic school bus, but the bus is on fire and Mrs. Frizzle just railed a bunch of coke.

I hope you’ve stocked up on dry erasers, because your whiteboard is gonna be chock full of dicks. Every day I’ll have a new masterpiece for you, and every day they’ll be a little bigger and weirder than the last. …

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The Dyson Cinetic Big Ball Multifloor Upright Vacuum (via Dyson.com, Fair Use)

Dear Dyson Manufacturing Perverts,

I’m writing to you today to voice my concern over the sexiness of the Cinetic Big Ball Multifloor Upright Vacuum. I refuse to stand idly by as you filthy hedonists distribute these sick pleasure devices across America. Might I remind you that love is a sacred union between a man and a woman, not a man and 180AW of toe-curling suction.

Now, of course, I’m not titillated in the slightest by this appliance and its voluptuous, loin swelling ball technology. And had I been in charge of acquiring the new vacuum for my church I would have gone with a sensible Hoover. I only find myself in possession of this machine by the purchasing actions of a rogue deacon, actions that resulted in his immediate dismissal. It broke my heart to do it, as he had been a good and faithful servant of the Lord for 30 years, but it’s impossible to deny that the Devil is in this product, and clearly he had been corrupted beyond salvation. …


Nick Brigis

Nick Brigis is a comedian and writer based in New York City.

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