‘Sup teach. Billy Berrickson in the house. The man, the myth, the legend of Sugar Creek Middle School. Now, I’m sure you’ve had a few bad apples in your class before; odds are good — you are hella old. So I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking you can handle whatever some kid can throw your way. You are wrong — dead wrong. You better buckle up Toots, cause class with me is like riding in the magic school bus, but the bus is on fire and Mrs. Frizzle just railed a bunch of coke.

I hope you’ve stocked up on dry erasers, because your whiteboard is gonna be chock full of dicks. Every day I’ll have a new masterpiece for you, and every day they’ll be a little bigger and weirder than the last. …

Dear Dyson Manufacturing Perverts,

I’m writing to you today to voice my concern over the sexiness of the Cinetic Big Ball Multifloor Upright Vacuum. I refuse to stand idly by as you filthy hedonists distribute these sick pleasure devices across America. Might I remind you that love is a sacred union between a man and a woman, not a man and 180AW of toe-curling suction.

Now, of course, I’m not titillated in the slightest by this appliance and its voluptuous, loin swelling ball technology. And had I been in charge of acquiring the new vacuum for my church I would have gone with a sensible Hoover. I only find myself in possession of this machine by the purchasing actions of a rogue deacon, actions that resulted in his immediate dismissal. It broke my heart to do it, as he had been a good and faithful servant of the Lord for 30 years, but it’s impossible to deny that the Devil is in this product, and clearly he had been corrupted beyond salvation. …