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Photo by Rhodi Lopez on Unsplash

I really want one of the Covid conspiracy theories to be true. Wouldn’t it great if the whole pandemic turned out to be one big scam invented by pharmaceutical companies, governments and the media. Think of how many YouTube experts would be proved right.

Last week the pandemic deniers seemed to have found their smoking gun. English health secretary Matt Hancock announced an emergency investigation into Covid-19 mortality statistics.

This was a response to research from Oxford University. It revealed how anybody who’d died after a positive test was included in the official stats.

So, somebody whose swab showed they…


Man wearing motorcycle helmet and face mask
Man wearing motorcycle helmet and face mask
Adapted by the writer from a photo by Tiago Almeida on Unsplash

Why is it everything in life seems to change while it all stays the same? Those passionate arguments for and against face masks? I’ve heard them all before. Often half a century ago.

As wearing a mask at all times outside in the Balearics becomes mandatory I have this strange feeling of deja vu. I’m back to 1971 and my 16th birthday.

It was then I bought my first motorbike, a clapped out 200cc Triumph Tiger Cub. That was all I could afford from the earnings from my Saturday job. I had no money for left for a helmet.

It…


Bill Gates pop art image
Bill Gates pop art image

Bill Gates really doesn’t seem to be very tech savvy. I know from my Facebook timeline he and the New World Order are definitely behind the Covid-19 pandemic pandemonium.

I’ve heard the recording on YouTube by an anonymous friend of somebody who knows a doctor that’s met a scientist who was employed by George Soros to use 5G to create the coronavirus. The next step in this dastardly plan is to compulsorily vaccinate and microchip the world’s population.

What I don’t understand is: Why microchips? Most of us carry smartphones with us all the time. Surely they’re far more powerful…


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Rudolph in a can and Lilly

It’s a sad story which began at the height of last summer. That was when Santa’s reindeer were told they were going to Ibiza, for a stag party, of course. But, they should have known better than to trust the word of Bonzo the evil clown.

Instead of prancing in Pacha, they were to be repurposed as food. And not just for pets. Well, what do you think goes into a ‘Donner’ kebab? For the poor reindeer the only slay bells ringing were those at the door of the abattoir.

Their jobs had gone, their work subcontracted to Amazon with its new carrot-neutral drone sleigh service. It easily undercut the cost of Claus Co-operative Transport.

Santa’s little helpers, meanwhile, had been redeployed to one of Amazon’s fulfilment centres. Even there they face a limited elf life. Robot wrap artists will soon replace them.

Brexit hasn’t helped…


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Not me being operated on in 1964

I was in hospital. Aged nine. Over Christmas. It should have been my worst of times. But, it was my best of times. Although the rest of my family might not have seen it that way.

I’m not sure whether my memory says more about my childhood or me as a child. My parents tried their best, I was what a clinical psychologist might define as, ‘a selfish ungrateful little shit’. I worked hard at it. Wrecking happy family events was tough and sometimes painful.

Just 18 months after my festive medical mishap, I fell off a cliff at the…


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Buzz Aldrin, lunar module pilot, walks near the lunar module during the Apollo 11 extravehicular activity. (NASA file photo)

Don’t believe everything you see, read and hear about the moon landing. I was on earth 50 years ago when it happened. And my memories bear little resemblance to today’s version of history.

Of course, everybody remembers things differently. I really only have one clear recollection of that day 50 years ago, three months after my fourteenth birthday.

My dad was sitting in front of the television. I’d just come back from my mate’s house where we’d been listening to records and probably discussing important issues such as whether Peter Green was a better blues guitarist than Eric Clapton. (He…


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Brexit doesn’t matter any more than whether you shop in a corner store or a supermarket. Pic: Jim Linwood from London

Ever feel like you’ve been conned? For at least three years we’ve been told if the United Kingdom leaves the European Union it marks the end of British civilisation. If it stays, it’s the final nail in the coffin of democracy.

I’ll let you to into a secret. It’s of little more importance than deciding who gets the deckchair franchise on the Titanic. Really, Brexit doesn’t actually matter that much.

Instead, it’s the perfect subject for a political argument. Everybody is free to make up their own facts because there are precious few real ones. There can’t be. The only…


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This passport photo, taken when I was 18 and about to leave for India, is the only known picture of me between the ages of 15 and 20

Fifty years ago I first took drugs for pleasure. I was a 14-year-old precocious brat. By the time I hit 16 I’d used grass, hash, acid, mescaline, opium, heroin, assorted barbiturates, solvents, amphetamines, caffeine, cocaine, tobacco and alcohol. The only one I ever had a problem with was tobacco.

This experimentation wasn’t the result of peer pressure. I’ve always been too much of a loner for that. Nor was it to fill a gaping void in my existence. Or because I was desperately unhappy. I just wanted to grow up, rebel and escape the tedium of being a child.

The…


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I am highly sceptical about the national security threats being cited as the reason for the clampdown on Huawei. Does it really have nothing to do with the way that the Chinese company’s 5G technology is way ahead of anything developed in the US or by any of its allies?

Of course, Huawei’s got close links with the military. Show me a major tech company that hasn’t. The internet grew directly from a US Defense Department project, Arpanet. It’s always been important for the military to be in the forefront of technological developments, whether that’s communications, drones, satellites, radar systems or whatever, before it finds its way into consumer products.

As a tech journalist I heard the rumours about Huawei long before I had any idea how to pronounce its name. But, nothing has ever been proved. That doesn’t mean you can say with 100% certainty that there aren’t any…


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The Beatles in 1964 in Hilgom in the Netherlands in 1964 with a proper drummer, Jimmie Nichol

Let me say first, I’m not trolling anybody. I genuinely never have liked the Fab Four or their music. It’s indefensible. How can anybody not love The Beatles and believe they were the greatest group of musicians who ever disturbed the neighbours? I feel like an atheist in the Vatican.

But there was a time when not everybody worshipped the Fab Four. My deep-rooted and probably irrational aversion to the group has much to do with my age. I grew up with The Beatles. …

Nick Clayton

In 2013 I was treated for Stage III oral cancer. Four years later tests showed it had spread to my lungs and was ‘incurable’. Then, the tumours disappeared…

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