Talia Cohen via Unsplash

Diving For Pearls

The #1 fun activity every man can do to improve gender equality.

Though it’s occurred to me before, it wasn’t until I read “The Game is Rigged,” that I realized how bad we (MEN) truly are in bed. From the countless anecdotes in Traister’s piece, and those from my girlfriends, I can’t help but agree — an alarming group of us live in:

a vast expanse of bad sex — joyless, exploitative encounters

This Martianesque tundra has “gone largely uninterrogated, leaving some young women wondering why they feel so fucked by fucking.” (*It’s not just young women either).

What can we do?

Much smarter minds have waxed long & hard on every imaginable angle and solution to this issue. I won’t amplify or negate any of those ideas. I would simply like to focus on one: the orgasm.

Male climax remains the accepted finish of hetero encounters; a woman’s orgasm is still the elusive, optional bonus round.

I believe this to be true. I know this to be true. And it makes me want to barf. Not a day goes by when I’m not amazed at the choices of partners available to women- men, boys & fuckboys who are not only inconsiderate in life, but emotionally undercooked and marinated in a baffling stew of sexual ineptitude. (*thoughtfulness is a major component of being a sexual dynamo).

Raising the bar for better sex lives is not a feminist problem. Or a woman’s problem. It’s our problem. It’s a man’s world, and the only real way out of it is to LEAN BACK and let a woman sit on your face.

Well, not exactly. Most likely, in the beginning it’s going to involve a position slightly more clinical. Her her legs spread and using your hands A LOT more gently than her gyno.

You are going to learn PATIENCE.

You are going to overcome ADVERSITY.


Enough intro paragraph foreplay, it’s business time. What follows is a step-by-step guide for activating every pleasure center until Major Tom reaches exit velocity. I draw heavily from the uber-recommended framework by Benjamin Hardy: How to Become the Best in the World at What You Do, which I’ve slightly modified:

While, modifying Hardy’s post is slightly tongue in cheek, I strongly encourage you to go read it. Whatever your life goal is, that post will help.

How to Become the best in the World at What You Do (FOR HER)

Phase 1: Getting to Amen (aka Oh Fuck!)

1. Start as an Amateur

Sure, you may have some raw talent. Or think you do, but few people have the vulnerability and humility to admit they actually don’t know.

To be bad at something in front of someone else ranks in the top 5 of personal anxieties (right behind reptiles…?)

Inwardly, they’re terrified of what other people will think of them. They’re caught in a state of paralysis by analysis — too busy calculating and never reaching a state of flow. Rather than doing work their own way, they do what they think will be well-received — being merely imitators of what is already popular. (For the record, jack-hammering of every kind, is NOT in fact popular among the ladies. Keep the dial for those members and digits on low.)

2. Get Coaching/Education

“When the student is ready the teacher will appear.” — Buddha

Often, you just have to start with 2 questions.

  1. What do you like?
    If she’s hesitant to answer, then try something. (no, not butt stuff). She’ll probably let you know fairly quickly what will work better.
  2. Like this or like this?

As in most conversations, LISTEN. Once you start doing it enough, you’ll find you won’t need to speak at all. When you’re doing it right you’ll hear about it, and when you’re doing it wrong, you’ll hear about it too. (silence).

You’ll know when you’re ready for the next level when you attract the right teacher to help you get there.

3. Stop Living The Broken Rules Everyone Else Is Living

If it’s popular it’s wrong. (Just because porn stars fuck that way, doesn’t mean you should). Most people are mediocre at what they do for a reason. They’re playing by rules that halt optimal performance.

If you want to stay in “Recents”, get her off and you keep it in your pants. She’ll call again.

When everyone else is zigging, that’s when you zag. Darren Hardy says you should run “toward the thing everyone else is running from” in order to stand out from the crowd.

If she’s actually interested in you more than 0%, and she comes first, unlike what you might have done, she will not throw her pants back on and bounce.

Give a little, and see how much comes back. You will be overwhelmed.

4. Be Consistent Until You Have A Break Through

I told you, you would learn patience.

Expecting a female orgasm after 3 minutes, like you would wanking to Lisa Ann or Sunny Leone, is a fool’s errand. She may not orgasm the first, fifth or fiftieth time. Especially if she doesn’t masturbate by herself. I’ve known women who took months, yes months, to have their first orgasm.

Keep going.

Almost everyone can sprint for a while. But most burn-out and quit. Everything meaningful in life is a marathon — meant to test your commitment and will.

If you’e young, I know you are going to ignore what I just wrote. There’s nothing I can do to stop that.

But, if you’re reading on Medium, you’re probably somewhat aware of the startup universe, and familiar with words like “scale.” At first, the female orgasm, will be the thing that don’t scale.


There is a natural law known as the compound effect. If you invest a small amount of money consistently, eventually compound interest takes over and growth becomes exponential. The same holds true for any habit... If you do something long enough, compounding will take effect, momentum will surge, and you’ll begin to experience exponential results.

Just by following what has been written above, you will enter into the top 10% of awesome pillow talk partners.

Thus concludes Pt. 1. Stay tuned for Pt. 2: How to Become the Best in The World.

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