The Rauschmonstrum Lets Jesus Turn Water Into Wine

This post originally appears as a chapter in my book The Gospel of the Rauschmonstrum.

There was a wedding in Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was in attendance, and Jesus had also been invited to the wedding along with his disciples. When the wine had all been finished, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.”

Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does that have to do with you and me? My hour has not yet come.”

The Rauschmonstrum, watching on, thought this was a terrible way for Jesus to talk to his mother, and did not understand what he meant when he said “My hour has not yet come” since Jesus had already begun preaching and purporting to have performed miracles.

Jesus’ mother turned to the servants and said, “Whatever he says to you, do it.”

Nearby there were six water jars made of stone, the kind of jars used by the Jews for the purposes of ceremonial washing. Each jar held from twenty to thirty gallons.

Jesus said to the servants “Fill the jars with water”; so the servants filled them to the brim. When this was done, the Rauschmonstrum transfigured the water into wine.

Then Jesus told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the one who is in charge of the banquet.”

So they took it. When the ruler of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and didn’t know where it came from, the ruler of the feast called the bridegroom, and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when the guests have drunk freely, then that which is worse. You have kept the good wine until now!”

What the Rauschmonstrum made it look as though Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.

While the Rauschmonstrum liked that this miracle inspired belief in Jesus’ disciples, and others around, he was not pleased that it had come in this manner. “Turning water into wine is the stuff of parlor tricks, not for something to be looked upon from the son of God,” thought the Rauschmonstrum.

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