Nyx Fears: Apologies, Clarities, and Endings

Before we get into absolutely anything, I need to address something extremely important, and I’ll start with this:

This post comes from Nyx’s personal Tumblr. I will make something very clear right now that I am taking extremely seriously.

She shouldn’t have to prepare for any harassment from anyone in my community or those affiliated with me. People will say what they’re thinking or feeling in their own private spaces and on their own social media accounts. I can’t monitor or control that and acknowledge they have they full right to speak their mind. Criticism and opinion is inevitable and I won’t attempt to control that, nor force others to refrain.

But I’ll never accept any attempt to insult, attack, demean, threaten, hurt, or disrespect Nyx Fears, her community, her girlfriend, or anyone close to her and who she associates with. I do not condone or appreciate any attempt to engage in conflict, attack people, threaten them, throw shade hoping someone takes the bait so there’s a fight, or throw insults, no matter what you think. We are going to end this in peace and without direct engagement. No hate mail, no slander, no insults, no anonymous attacks or disrespect towards Nyx Fears and her community. Say whatever you will, but I won’t condone attempts to send hate to the object of your anger or leave it by their door online hoping they’ll engage. That means no @’s, and yes, I’m serious. Stay out of her notifications and Tumblr messages, she doesn’t deserve to put up with constant hell on her phone.

And if anyone doesn’t honor my request, I invite May (Nyx Fears) to send me the screenshot and the full details whenever it happens so I can deal with the individual. And if it comes through anonymously, I’ll give this speech again, and again, and again.

I don’t want war. I don’t want fighting. I don’t want anyone battling with each other, attacking Nyx Fears community members, or attacks on May or anyone close to her.

You’re allowed to speak your mind, I can’t stop you. But if you directly cause Nyx Fears or anyone on her side even a single drop more of misery, I am completely removing any thought of you as part of my community and you lose my respect.

Nyx Fears and everyone she knows who have been part of this, from her friends to her viewers, have been through enough.

Now, that being said…

I know she doesn’t want an apology, and I don’t request that she accepts any I make. May’s feelings towards me, what I’ve done, and what I’ve made her feel belong to her and so do the decisions she makes about her feelings. She owns that realm of decision-making and everything it involves.

But in light of her recent post (https://nyxfears.tumblr.com/post/177380951130/a-very-bad-post), she is absolutely getting an apology. This also opens the floodgates to every other apology that’s owed as well as complete transparency and openness to everything that’s happened since our friendship ended.

There’s a lot of wrong I’ve done and pain I’ve caused that I’m absolutely guilty of creating, and I’m owning every last bit of it I can think of and recognize. I have been: inconsiderate, insensitive, stupid, ignorant, oblivious, hotheaded, angry, ill-tempered, invasive, disrespectful, abusive, cold, cruel, mean, vindictive, smarmy, narcissistic, toxic, and quite frankly, an asshole.

I’ve wounded people I cared about and done damage that left more than one person feeling fearful, depressed, angry, broken, abused, disrespected, anxious, stressed, and demeaned. I left them in a state of damage, low self-esteem, and resentment of me, and I’ve absolutely failed to keep values I’ve held not just as a community leader, but also as a friend. Apologies are mandatory, not simply because they’re right, but because I, personally, need to do this and apologize to the ones I’ve hurt.

- During my time with Nyx Fears in June of 2017, I was inconsiderate, ignorant, and disrespectful towards her on more than one occasion, causing embarrassment, discomfort, humiliation, pain, stress, fear, and gender dysphoria. I didn’t monitor my language for anything that could be hurtful and offensive and said things that were unkind, like opening a conversation about her hat by referring to her as “Double-Dee.” I neglected to ask about any boundaries she had concerning physical contact for our time together and just made assumptions, resulting in constant violations that left her deeply hurt while I thought nothing of it, and it is my fault.

I disrespected and humiliated May during the livestream we did together, constantly invading her personal space by touching her with the Nick hand puppet for the sake of using her as a performance gag instead of treating her as my livestream partner and my friend, disregarding any feelings she might’ve had about it — and again, being completely inconsiderate of her personal boundaries by poking her in the side or side off-camera to gain attention for stream performance without ever consulting her or considering her feelings. I didn’t once even think about whether she was okay with the actions, I never bothered to ask, and none of it was okay. And during the stream, I put her through a transgender person’s worst form of hell in front of a live audience, causing her severe gender dysphoria by messing with her hat, which was the only measure she was using to keep that pain at bay and feel confident.

Ignorance is no excuse for pain caused, and she is right — May wasn’t openly trans to me or anyone at the time, but that doesn’t matter, because I still triggered severe dysphoria and all the painful and negative emotions that come with it.

Here is the livestream: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PgLKa1lrIw&feature=youtu.be

May, I am extremely sorry for everything I put you through. I was inconsiderate, I was unkind, I was disrespectful, I was invasive, I was a jackass, and I made you suffer a myriad of awful feelings, emotions, and anxieties. I never intended to hurt you or humiliate you, and I never wanted to make you uncomfortable or trigger your dysphoria. Causing you any pain at all, even for the slightest moment, was the furthest thing from my mind; you were my friend, but I didn’t treat you like one, and I regret everything I did to poison our relationship and put you through the hell you experienced. I am extremely sorry, and I wish I could take it all back and prevent it all from having happened. You never deserved to go through any of it and I hate what I did and made you feel.

- During the same time span, I also created discomfort and left a negative impression on May’s girlfriend, (who for the sake of privacy we’ll call “Kelly,”) which I’m also extremely sorry for. I made her feel unwelcome, I dominated conversation and didn’t give her true opportunities to speak or express herself, I made her feel talked down to, I ignored her, and I was an inconsiderate asshole to the person my best friend at the time loved. “Kelly,” I’m sorry, and you didn’t deserve to have to deal with me and my presence. I’m sorry for what I’ve also put you through by causing May pain.

- In January of this year, I deleted a venting channel on my personal Discord server that was largely the space of a troublesome individual, ignoring however many others were using it for a good purpose and the ways in which it was actually helping members. Still upset over dealing with the individual I had to ban and everything they had done, I was abusive in my language on the topic of vent channels and anything like them when asked where it went by my Discord members. I called them hugboxes, crying corners, I said that “no one should ever mistake my kindness for tolerance of weakness and sympathy-baiting,” I related use of a vent channel to crying about problems and gaining attention for “bleeding, dehydrated egos,” and I expressed prioritization of strength and overcoming over “sympathy handouts and vanity walks.”

My anger and insults were mentally directed at the individual I had just banned who abused the vent channel and had it named after him, but in my actions, I directed it at the innocent members of the Discord and insulted and hurt them. Deleting the vent channel also eliminated a place where some had benefitted from it and were using it for good, and I definitely hurt them, too. I’ve since apologized to my Discord members for that event, but it’s still a cruel thing I did and I wanted to own it and apologize once more.

I’m sorry for my cruelty concerning the vent channel and everyone I hurt, insulted, offended, and demeaned through my actions and words. I didn’t just offend you or sadden you, I made you afraid of me and speaking in a public space, and I am deeply sorry — that is never what I wanted. I’m glad to have a channel now that is a positive space for community members to speak about what’s on their minds and hearts, and while I was worried and begrudging before, I see the good it has done, now. Venting channels are what you make them and the product of good moderation and encouragement, and they never have to turn bad or be a place that does more harm than good. I was blind before and vindictive about the idea, and I’m happy to have come around and made things somewhat right in the ways I was able.

- In March of this year, I had a blowout with a moderator on my server that was also a moderator on the Nyx Fears server and a dear friend of May, taking her to task in public about her beliefs regarding what I felt were humorous aspects of the video I made, “My Dad’s Tapes: Family Secrets Aren’t Forever.” I was cruel, quick to insult and demean her, and I referenced my work with Nyx Fears in our “Bye Bye Man” collaboration to draw parallels to what I had done in my video as a smarmy rebuttal. Taking May into the fight was not right; this issue was between me and the moderator, who we’ll refer to as “Maude.”

In the ensuing conversation in private, I was intimidating and careless in my language trying to talk about the issues we were having with each other, and by this point, there were plenty of issues I had with her that I kept in silence after witnessing behavior patterns that had angered me. I was sarcastic, I was quick to get mad, and I was impatient. When it came to matters of disciplinary issues she was having as a mod and unrelated aspects to this apology that were very important to me, our argument turned incredibly sour and she left the server. In talking to May about it, I found out she already knew; “Maude” had been informing her all along and May saw the cruelty I had inflicted on her friend. The conversation came to a path of reconciliation and self-reflection on my part that was absolutely needed, but I still shattered our friendship.

And in light of May’s recent post, I realize I had shattered our friendship long before March. May had not been comfortable or happy with me since June of 2017, however well she hid the depth of toxic and horrible feelings I created in her, and this was the breaking point. In retrospect, considering everything that I’ve done and what’s gone on, I deserved to be let go.

I opened conversation again with Maude and we resolved things, making apologies and amends. I welcomed her back into the server and she re-integrated quickly, albeit without her moderator position. It was not enough for May, and I realize it never would be and couldn’t be. The damage I’ve done to her and our friendship goes so much deeper than my treatment of Maude.

- In August of this year, Maude and I came to conflict again. There are disciplinary issues involved which I cannot and will not speak about in detail, as those are private community matters between only the individuals involved, but the outcome was a conversation in which I approached without patience and consideration to her. I was exhausted, I didn’t care to actually discuss things, I only wanted her to tell the moderator who sent her a warning that she understood so we could all go back to our regular routine. It was a point of conflict that required patient, considerate conversation and genuine discussion. I had no patience, I had no consideration, and I certainly wasn’t kind, speaking in ways that were condescending and inconsiderate. The matter could have been resolved and we could’ve worked it through, but I had a chip on my shoulder about her and a feeling that one of the issues we were having was a betrayal of everything we had agreed upon back in March when we resolved things the first time. If I had actually held up my end of the agreement, we could have worked things out correctly, but I didn’t care for that and treated her as I had the first time.

I gave her an ultimatum as well to not go telling anyone about our private disciplinary discussion and argument, especially May. I did not want another fight, I did not want more hurt, and yet, I was creating it and telling her she couldn’t confide in her friend that she had yet another terrible experience at my hands.

I was cruel to Maude, vindictive, short-tempered, impatient, inconsiderate, and definitely begrudging, and I’m sorry for all of it. I did not hold up my end of the agreement established in March and allowed my anger, impatience, and desire to not have any further discussions take the wheel.

I have hurt May, I have hurt her girlfriend, and I have hurt her friend. I’ve hurt members of my Discord community. I have been inconsiderate, insensitive, stupid, ignorant, oblivious, hotheaded, angry, ill-tempered, invasive, disrespectful, abusive, cold, cruel, mean, vindictive, smarmy, narcissistic, toxic, and quite frankly, an asshole.

And I own it all. I see it, I understand it, I accept it, and I apologize. And I want you all to know about it, because I can be wrong, I have been wrong, and I needed to do what I could to make this right.

- — — -

The truth is all above. This apology is entirely warranted and completely deserved. I caused hell and damage and I own it. Every last bit of what’s above, it’s true, and I needed to express it above all else first immediately after delivering what I think of any attempts at war. All of this was the most important stuff.

What I will say now that I’ve addressed the ultimate truth and importance is that while on a lot of things, I will agree with May completely, there are things she’s expressed and things she’s hinted at that are not true. Nothing I say from this point refutes the facts of what I did wrong and how much damage I’ve done, hurt I’ve caused, and exactly how much of an asshole I’ve been. I’m still and forever will be every bit as regretful and sorry for what’s happened and I own it entirely. Still, as genuinely sorry and regretful as I am and as much wrong as I have done, I can’t and won’t stand by and allow three accusations to go unrefuted, because I am going for full transparency and truth on all of this:

+ May and I only ever had one conversation about her hat. It occurred on the very first day together as we were driving around. I looked in the back seat, saw a collection of the hats, remember I wanted to ask her about it because it was the most characteristic aspect of the Nyx Fears look and set her about from other YouTubers, and branched off a conversation about cartoons using a dumb (and insulting) reference: “So, what’s under the hat, Double-Dee?”

I was told there was honestly nothing special about the hat. It was only a hat, just part of her look, and that was it. No importance whatsoever was hinted at, and in light of her recent post, it makes complete sense that she told me it was equivalent to nothing. May was nowhere near ready to open up about her gender identity, especially not to me, who had literally just arrived and she was only just getting to know in person. Even hinting at the idea that the hat was anything more than a hat would’ve invited questioning or excess curiosity, and that was something May never would’ve wanted at that time. No trans person would ever have wanted that — the fear of possible outcomes and repercussions would have been terrible.

+ During the livestream, my only intention was using the hand puppet to annoy May, make her laugh, look confused, and have her look weirded out for the sake of entertaining our audience — (and therin lay all the major problems with what I did).

Whether it was patting May’s back, poking her in the cheek with its ears, using it to play off a joke from a commenter, or getting her to look offscreen while giggling or making an expression, my intention was always the same: “let’s be dumb and put on a show.” The only times I touched her that weren’t for performance were for the sake of getting her attention as my stream partner to point out something or indicate I was about to get up and move around.

Every single point of physical contact, including the moment with the hat, was for the sole purpose of putting on a show the audience would love, and when May and I collaborated, we always went for stupid and awkward humor. But May is absolutely right: I disregarded her potential feelings about it entirely and was an absolute bastard, making her very uncomfortable while I just went around the whole time being Mr. “Anything Goes” Showman. I never asked her if she was okay with being annoyed by an invasive hand puppet during the whole stream, and we can all see now the amount of damage it caused. No matter how much I thought she was going to be cool with it, I should’ve asked, I should’ve talked about the plan, I should’ve genuinely cared.

The only moment when it occurred to me that things went wrong was when I did go for the hat, because for the first time the entire stream, I saw the effect my actions had, and I felt extremely guilty. I tried to downplay the moment for both of us by being light, but it didn’t work at all — damage done, I had hurt my friend. I asked how long the stream had been running shortly after because I needed it to end so I could apologize and make things right, which leads to my final refute:

+ When that stream ended, May didn’t ask me anything. I was apologizing for the hat incident, because I actually saw what I had done and how it made her feel. She told me it was alright and did the usual thing most people do when things are most definitely not alright but you are absolutely not willing to talk about the matter: she gave non-committal, “whatever” statements and we went back to normal.

I still carried that guilt with me for hours and wanted to apologize again, but I knew if I tried, I’d just be bringing back whatever hurt came along with it. I had two choices: bring us right back to that moment and all the negativity and bad feelings that came with it for May, or trust my friend and continue with the mood that was going on.

Knowing now that I had triggered one of the worst moments ever of May’s dysphoria in a livestream, I know that if I had pressed the issue, it was never going to be addressed as anything other than “Don’t worry about it” territory, and all I would do by trying to fix things would be aggravating a very deep and very serious wound.

Again, May, I am extremely sorry. “Sorry” doesn’t even remotely cut it for how I made you feel in that moment and what I did. I put you through a hell I can’t even imagine and you were the last person I ever wanted to hurt. You had been showing me an incredible time and I was ecstatic every day, and this is what I did to you in return.

And, actually, thinking about it now, considering every moment we had and what might have hurt you, I do remember something that I want to apologize for, too, because now that I know all of what was actually happening that week, I’m seeing things in an entirely new light. You haven’t told this story, but I’ll go ahead and do it, because this is worth owning up to as well, even if it made you just a bit unhappy:

On either the last night or next-to-last night of the trip, May’s girlfriend, (“Kelly”) was hanging out for a bit. The visit ended with talk of a lot of YouTube stuff in May’s bedroom around the computer, and I knew Kelly had an interest in webseries and online art concepts. I was sharing everything I knew in the same way I’ve done online and I feel this was the moment (or one of the ultimate moments) in which Kelly felt I was talking down to her. Again, I’m very sorry for that, seriously. I overtalked, I didn’t encourage your thoughts, opinions, and feelings, and I was terrible.

When Kelly and May exited so they could say goodbye for the night, I was left alone in the room to wait for May to return. A few minutes passed, long enough to have checked my phone, seen what was of interest on Twitter and Tumblr, and put it away. I began taking in my surroundings and my eyes settled on the really grotesque masks May had on a shelf.

“You know what would be funny?” I thought. “If I was just sitting in here wearing that when she came back, super casual.”

And as I got up to go put it on and got close to the bed, another idea came: “You know what would be funnier? If she walked in and I’m just laying on the bed wearing this horribly ugly mask.”

So, being stupid and inconsiderate, that’s exactly what I did.

I took the goathead mask, pulled it on, and posed on the bed, just waiting for May to come back. Either she was going to jump a little from the scare factor or laugh at how ridiculous it was, I thought.

May did neither of those things. She entered the door, spotted me, and just kind of stared for a moment. Awkward chuckle ensued. I laughed while taking off the mask, saying it took entirely too long waiting to pull off that joke, but I knew it hadn’t been funny. My joke fell flat. I was stupid.

May, I’m sorry for that one, too. You trusted me to just sit still and wait for you, and instead, I touched your belongings and laid on your bed for a joke that I know must’ve come across as far more creepy than funny, and I apologize.

- — — -

And this is ultimately it. Everything I can think of is here, laid out, and you all can see it. I want you to see it and I want you to know it.

There is more to each event for sure, a lot more, with the ways the conversations went, reasons, everything I’ve experienced and everything that’s gone on. Every part of this history and timeline that was all my wrongdoing and evil is out on display, and even with the rest of it on the shelf and all that was involved, I’m not going to take it down. I can say that there has been hurt on both sides, which is expected when people get angry at each other and especially angry for the people they love and care about. When you get angry and you’ve been wronged, sometimes you lash out at people, especially when you know they deserve it. Bringing innocent parties into things and affiliated people is more acts of wrongdoing that still don’t solve issues, and I don’t condone it or endorse it from anyone on any side of any argument or issue. And that’s exactly why I said what I needed to say above and will say it again:

I’ll never accept any attempt to insult, attack, demean, threaten, hurt, or disrespect Nyx Fears, her community, her girlfriend, or anyone close to her and who she associates with. I do not condone or appreciate any attempt to engage in conflict, attack people, threaten them, throw shade hoping someone takes the bait so there’s a fight, or throw insults, no matter what you think. We are going to end this in peace.

Ultimately, I’m the root of all the evil, and the most important fact remains: I needed to apologize and I needed to own the feelings I’ve created and the negative behaviors I’ve exhibited. 90% of the apologies that needed to be made come down to me making them and I know that. Even while ignorant or oblivious, even while knowing my intentions weren’t harm, I still harmed, and hurt, and damaged, and made toxicity. I was toxic unintentionally and I’ve definitely been toxic intentionally.

I don’t request that May accept any of these apologies, or “Kelly,” or “Maude.” The only requests I want to make go as follows:

- No more war, no more fighting, no more attacks. My blood and dirty laundry is on the table and everyone can look at it, and what’s more, I own it and claim it as mine. I accept every rip, tear, and stain. And this is my vow to be better than it and change. Nobody needs to fight anyone anymore on anybody’s behalf, because, May, you don’t deserve the harassment, hell, and anxiety, and the death threats I’ve been getting since your post are uncalled for, too.

I’ve had to talk to people in positions of authority and security who now need to take extra measures to protect my life, and I’ve had friends and viewers reaching out inquiring about my safety and home security for days. I know that no matter how you feel about me, we can both agree nobody deserves to have their life threatened online by strangers and the peace of mind of innocent friends lessened. I would never, ever want this to happen to you, “Kelly,” “Maude,” and anyone your community.

And it’s been happening to me, May. My boyfriend is scared for my life. I can only thank God my family doesn’t follow me on Twitter, because my siblings and my mother would be in a state of hell that no one should ever experience. Our cold war needs to end now, because it’s getting people hurt, it’s getting death threats sent to me, and we’re only going to get more people hurt and make things worse if we keep this up. As much as you hate me, I know you don’t condone this, and I sure as hell don’t condone it against you and your loved ones.

And May, believe me when I tell you, certain people on my side who are hotheaded and ready to jump to my defense because they’re close to me have absolutely been spoken to and told to stand down and let us take care of what’s between us. They will not be saying or doing anything further. They know exactly where I stand on this, and so does everyone else in my group. When I say I want peace for everyone, I absolutely mean it. And that’s why I make my second request:

- If you see anyone threatening, insulting, demeaning, or attacking you directly on my behalf, take the screenshot and please let me know. If they’re using your @ and calling you a bitch, take the evidence and send it over. I’ll see if they’re a follow of mine or influenced by either of our posts and I’ll let them know how wrong they are and have them removed from all of my community sectors. And finally…

- I do want peace, May. I want this post to stay, and I want it to be seen, and I want to continue to own it. I apologize for it all, and I hope that even in the smallest way, it brings you healing, a sense of justice, and some closure.

Our friendship is over and it’s been over since June of 2017. I know that, now. You, me, “Maude,” “Kelly,” — I know it’s all broken, and it’s never going to be fixed, and I’m sorry. And I don’t want you carrying me and every hurt I’ve inflicted on you in your head or heart anymore, because you don’t deserve to suffer it.

I saw your new video, “The Truth,” and I’m happier for you than you might ever believe. You look confident, and you look fulfilled, and you’re finally at the place you’ve been striving towards. I know you finally made it out of the house, too, and that gives me joy and peace of mind as well.

You don’t deserve to carry anything associated with me around with you anymore. And I know that’s easier said than done, but I want you to be free of me and every negative feeling I’ve ever caused you. And if that means you need to come into my DMs and send one last message and tell me personally every last thing you need to get off your chest and say to get closure, I invite you. Let me have it. Cut me in half if it means you’ll feel better and some of the wounds I’ve given you will close.

And after, let’s go our separate ways, because we need to. I’ve done what you and I both needed: I confessed. All of it is here, every last thing I can think of, and yes, I am absolutely going to take a hit for this. I’ve already taken a hit for it, with the worst of it being the threats against my life and targeted harassment plans against those close to me who are innocent and even unaware this is happening right now.

You, Kelly, Maude, and your community walk in your direction, while I take my mods, my loved ones, and my community and we walk away in ours. Peace and closure.

And I promise, I am going to be better. When I sent you the Tarot card, I made one final idiotic mistake in my phrasing, which I only realized well after the fact: I might have left you the impression that it was a card you needed, as if I was assigning it to you for your use, when what I meant was that you were my Temperance. It’s my card, and in seeing roles people in my life play that relate to the Tarot, you are my Temperance. In the context of my life, “This is your card.”

I’m sorry, May. I’m sorry, “Maude.” I’m sorry, “Kelly.”

I’m sorry to everyone who used the vent channel I deleted, everyone I offended during that moment, and every member of the Nyx Fears community who has watched all of this go on and know that May, her friend, and her girlfriend were hurt by me. Part of empathy is pain shared for those you’re close to or admire, and by hurting May and her closest people, I’ve hurt you all, too. I’m deeply sorry, and I want your pain to heal.

I’m sorry to my community and everyone I’ve hurt, especially tonight as you’ve read this. I’ve done horribly, and I have failings and shortcomings to work on and grow from, and I promise to be better and fix my heart. Bit by bit, I like to think I’m getting there. If you want to leave Patreon, unsubscribe, or unfollow, go right ahead. Do exactly what you feel is best for you and what I deserve.

I will be removing all videos from the channel in short time that incorporate May’s deadname out of respect. They are not reflective of her and she should not be held to any former associations with me.

I don’t know how to end this. All I can do now is uphold my promise and say, again, I’m sorry.