Donald Trump’s Cabinet.

So this is it. The final stretch. In a few days we will no longer call Barack Obama our President. His photo will no longer hang in the DMV. In times of crisis we won’t see his calm demeanor and flawless speaking ability. Instead, we’ll be subjected to the stage makeup, vile speech and bloviating of his successor.

This will be a short post, but it’s been on my mind ever since I read with abject horror that a former CEO of Exxon would be the man controlling our reputation abroad and at home. It’s depressing and dejecting to see these men and women with billions of dollars think they have any semblance of what normal, working people want and need.

Take someone like this moron for instance:

Scott Pruitt-Environmental Protection Agency:

I want someone to look at me the same way Scott Pruitt looks at anti-Abortion laws.

Scott Pruitt, Trump’s choice for EPA director, has in fact sued the EPA multiple times, going on to say he is “a leading advocate against the EPA’s activist agenda." He doesn’t believe in Climate Change. He is anti-abortion. He is also, amazingly, one of the least terrible people on this cabinet of dunces. Nominating him for head of the EPA is like nominating this guy for director of child services;

Also director of great hair.

Tom Price-Health and Human Services:

Also known in the porn world as “Fisty McPornstache”

Tom Price is your classic, “we want liberty but only for us, not for you queers” type of Republican. Voting against the bathroom discrimination bill, the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” repeal, voted against a workplace discrimination bill and also is likely anti-vaccination. He’ll be taking care of your health for the next 4 years.

Ben Carson-Department of Housing and Urban Development:

Pictured: rare human sloth.

Everyone who followed the circus that was the 2016 Election knows this dumbass. His quotes are too numerous and baffling to post but here’s one I loved because it’s akin to seeing the wooden hollowed out inside of an old oak tree and asking “So when do the little elves inside start to make cookies?”

Dig up your loved ones people, there's’ valuable grain in them coffins!

Ben Carson isn’t the worst person in this cabinet, but he might be the dumbest. He denies everything, including that which has hard evidence behind it. He claims “Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they had guns”. He claims “Congress should be able to remove judges for voting for marriage equality” and he also believes that the pyramids, you know the ones you can go visit and see inside, were merely built to hold grain (I know I already said that but it’s so amazing I had to say it again).

I could go on and on about the awful people Trump has chosen to lead this nation during the next 4 years (Rex “The bad guy from that episode of Saved by the Bell where they drill for oil and the duck gets fucked” Tillerson and Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions deserve their own article) but I’m mentally exhausted from googling and reading all these articles about awful men.

I’ll leave you with my ideal cabinet choices.

Nick Nolte will fill the other positions.