New NFL Head Coaches. Ranked.

Another year, another group of NFL head coaches headed to the proverbial bread line. This was a shitty year for the NFL, the level of play was terrible and the matchups, specifically the MNF and Thursday night games were so bad ratings fell for the first time in a long time.

So what do you do when your team falls short of expectations? Well, if you’re the Colts or the Saints, you keep the continuity and let your coach prove himself next year. Or, you could go the route of the enigmatic (not in a good way) 49ers. The formerly great franchise took a serious dive after their loss in Superbowl XLVII and haven't recovered. They hired Chip Kelly last off season after firing Jim Tomsula and now they’ll hire yet another head coach. 3 coaches in 3 years? Sounds like a winning combo to me.

So lets rank the new head coaches:

Jacksonville Jaguars- Doug Marrone:

Marrone isn’t a sexy hire. He’s more like that old, crafty vet who has a fake leg where he keeps his personal items. But I like this hire the best. Marrone was on Gus Bradley’s staff, knows the plays and the culture and has faith in Blake Bortles. The Jags, while amazing on paper, are like a puzzle, they just need to take the pieces and put them together. He also looks like the alien from Men In Black when he wears the human skin. B+

Can I have a glass of water? Extra Sugar please.

Buffalo Bills- Sean McDermott:

McDermott is an under the radar type hire which is odd because his Panthers defense has been consistently great with the exception of last season. He was also the beneficiary of some likely HOF players like Luke Kechly, Charles Davis and Josh Norman. Prior to the Panthers he coached behind Steve Spagnuolo and walrus-playing a human-playing a walrus- Andy Reid so he definitely has a great pedigree but the Bills already have a good defense, they need to get their offense up to par and McDermott doesn’t look like the one to do that: C

The face you make when Mom gets you socks.

LA Rams- Sean McVay:

I hate this hire. Maybe I’m blinded by my deep hatred of the LA Rams but this hire reeks of desperation. The Rams have been a terrible franchise since the heyday of “The Greatest Show on Turf”. The move to Los Angeles proved that they could care less about winning, instead they’d rather focus on building a brand that no one besides the most mentally ill could ever want. McVay did indeed have a top ranked offense in Washington, but he also had Jay Gruden, an offensive powerhouse as his HC. Maybe McVay will somehow turn the Ryan Leaf-esque Goff into a winner, but right now it seems like we’ll see a new Rams head coach in a few years. D+

San Diego Chargers- Anthony Lynn:

I refuse to change their name. They can relocate all they want but I can’t wait until they receive an icy reception from this town that pretends to be all about their teams, yet ticket sales and general interest remains as low as the self esteem of everyone on Rodeo drive. I can’t even think straight, the move from SD makes me so angry. Telling a group of fans who supported your shitty team for years, “thanks but we’d rather make more money” is so fucking offensive I can’t imagine how Dean Spanos sleeps at night. Oh wait, yes I can. F (For; Fucking Capitalist Scum)

Ryan Leaf trying to steal from Dean Spanos.

Miami Dolphins- Vance Joseph:

To be honest I don’t know much about Vance Joseph. I know he had the misfortune of coaching the Dolphins, a franchise that always finds a way to remind you that they went undefeated, back when color TV and microwaves were the hot new items. I think the Broncos are a team heading down unless they can get their offense in order and I hope Aquib Talib shatters every bone in his body. But best of luck to Vance Joseph. B-

Vance Joseph and the Broncos mascot “Toothy the Horse Toothed Bronco”.