POST APOCALYPTIC SITCOM TREATMENT PITCH
Last year I accidentally ended up in LA unsure whether or not Showbiz was still for me. But I thought I would sit down and come up with a sitcom pitch in case NBC came looking for me. Being in heavily westernized, consumer America, LA specifically, following a year of doing volunteer work in the developing world had a curious effect of putting me in an Apocalyptic mood. In fact every time I walked past a children’s playground I would feel drawn to re enact that scene from ‘Terminator 2.’ Where Sarah Connor is shaking the chain link fence of a children’s playground as the nuclear bomb drops and everything gets incinerated. Often after these regular fugues passed, I would find myself shaking the fence and screaming, surrounded by concerned parents and frightened children… And it was out of these experiences that I came up with the following post apocalyptic sitcom idea.
POST APOCALYPTIC SITCOM TREATMENT
‘BEVERLY HILLS 9021OHMYGODIT’STHEMOTHERFUCKINGAPOCALYPSE’
‘TWO AND A HALF MEN’
The world has ended through every possible apocalypse scenario all at the same time, or at least linked to one another. Eg. Human mass consumption depletes all major resources, while at the same time climate change creates a series of epic natural disasters.
VOICEOVER: First there was the flood. Then came the hurricanes. Then came the tsunamis. Then came the fires. Then came the freezing cold. Then came the zombies. Then came the slew of complaints regarding the weak WIFI signal. Then came the negative Yelp reviews.
These disasters in turn trigger a global financial crisis, which in turn destroys all industries, including the prescription medicine industry, creating a sudden stoppage of medication for people suffering from psychiatric disorders as well as the many millions of Americans suffering from an addiction to pharmaceuticals. All these people are transformed into withdrawal afflicted zombies. All hell breaks loose. In a fit of med withdrawal depression, the presidents and leaders of major countries press the red button, triggering a mass launch of nuclear missiles and humanity is by and large wiped out.
The survivors have all banded together in various settings. The setting for the first season is an old shopping centre overgrown with vines and weeds, slowly being reclaimed by nature.
CHARACTERS: They are all mostly anti-stereotypes, representative of every minority group possible. Eg.
BLACK SATANIST LADY WHO ISN’T SASSY AT ALL.
OUT AND PROUD GAY DEVOUT ULTRA ORTHODOX ISLAMIC GUY
HIPSTER WHO’S POP CULTURE KNOWLEDGE IS NO LONGER RELEVENT TO ANYTHING ANYMORE
TRANSSEXUAL WHITE SUPREMACIST
SURVIVALIST BAGLADY SEER
ANTISEMITIC HASSIDIC JEWISH LESBIAN
TOURETTES AFFLICTED PYGMY TRIBESMAN NEUROSURGEON
TOKEN WHITE GUY WHO IS NOW THE SOLE MINORITY
‘COMEDIAN’ (played by me)
Everyone, despite their differences, fosters a sense of camaraderie through the shared task of rebuilding of civilization, realizing that despite the fact that all of their families and friends are dead, in many ways, they are happier in the post-apocalyptic world now, then the one that had been destroyed, because they now have a common purpose, meaning and sense of community, things that were lacking in the old world.
They are all oppurtunistic cannibals. To supplement their canned goods, they decide to eat anyone who displays self-centred or selfish traits. They see this behavior as destructive to the community and decides that anyone who is pathologically selfish, must be eaten. They are given up as sacrifice for the greater good of the group.
They have no more technology left, no more distractions and as a result they feel better and more centred as people.
With no career options anymore, everyone is truly equal. It’s a relief to not have to feel like they have to be something special anymore.
There are frequent flashbacks to the world that once was and they realize it just kind of sucked.
They watch apocalypse films as instructional videos.
#3 : Bartering scene where two characters try and work out the equivalent value of a dead guys arm meat vs. a semi broken sparkplug.
# 56 : Comedian does a gig on a box crate.
COMEDIAN: So… What’s the deal with all your loved one’s being incinerated in a nuclear blast? Boy that’s a downer isn’t it? I saw my own child explode into flames, leaving nothing behind except her shadow and I was like, ‘Did someone leave the microwave on?’ WAH WAH WAH’
(NO ONE LAUGHS)
BRUCE(The trans white supremacist): Fuck off nigger.
COMEDIAN: Okay… Well, I’m not black, and I thought being intersex you would be more tolerant of minorities, but hey humans sure are whacky!
BRUCE: Go back to your own country!
COMEDIAN: I can’t! There are no such things as countries left! Anyway… I think I will go back to my act now… Hey, you know when there are no resources left because we used them all up and like everyone’s so hungry now they end up eating corpses of their neighbours. You’re all like, ‘Where’s the salt and pepper at? This could do with a bit of marinade — I need to hide the taste of viscous rot in my mouth! Eh? Eh? (yanking on his spinning bowtie, which malfunctions and breaks after half a revolution)
TYLER(Hipster character): This is worse than Deerhunter’s last album. I wish there was WIFI still so I could record a vlog review of this show. I would say that it sucked in a myriad of different ways.
BRUCE: (To TYLER) Shut up nigger faggot!
COMEDIAN: Bruce, just cause you can’t get any female hormones and now have to resort to drinking the straight undiluted urine of a dead pregnant mare, doesn’t mean you should take it all out on us.
BRUCE: I have a right to be a one dimensional character if I want to be you fucken retard!
COMEDIAN: Gees it sure it hard to put down a transgender racist homophobe, without offending anyone… It makes my head hurt. I mean I don’t even know what gender pronoun to refer to you by.
Hey you know when climate change, because it’s real, makes the temperature rise to an average of 40 degrees centigrade, melting the polar ice caps, submerging half of our cities and turning our coastal towns into a stink pot of rotting bodies and collapsing civilization and your all like, ‘I love watersports, but how am I supposed to jetski with all these dead stinking bodies being pecked by seagulls floating in the water everywhere?’
MOHAMMED: Puhleease… This is like a massive downer… What happened to doing it for the crowd? You got any gay material?
COMEDIAN: Umm… You know when you’re a gay guy in the postapocalyptic wasteland and…
MOHAMMED: I meant gay as in happy, not gay as in homosexual… But yes, the next gay guy I meet in this wasteland, I don’t care if he’s not Sharia. I will suck his disgusting infidel dick until flames of Hell shoot out of the end his penis and Allah condemns me to an eternity of sufffering.
COMEDIAN: Jesus. I mean Mohammed. Whatever… Uh… Don’t you hate it when environmental destruction has destroyed the biosphere and there’s not enough oxygen in the air and we have to compete for resources cause there isn’t enough food to feed us all and everyone’s dying of starvation and you’re like, ‘Well I guess the obesity epidemic has been solved! Who’s for more air burgers?’
COMEDIAN: Oh no not the silence! Anything but the dread silence!
COMEDIAN: Aaaaarrrrggghhhh (holding ears and going into a fit of conniptions)
(He slips over and falls off the box, hurting himself. As he rolls around on the ground, everyone laughs.)
COMEDIAN: (Writhing in pain) Still got it.
(BRUCE STANDS UP AND BEGINS TO KICK COMEDIAN IN THE RIBS REPEATEDLY AS COMEDIAN SHRIEKS IN AGONY, SLOW FADE OUT)
#78 TYLER sits around with DAVID(the neurosurgeon pygmy)
TYLER: This sucks. I miss EDM. This stupid wasteland doesn’t even have electricity so I can’t even make any amazing EDM tracks anymore to play at warehouse parties.
DAVID: Well, in times of crisis and lack, the human is forced into new areas of ingenuity.
TYLER: What the fuck does that mean?
DAVID: Improvise! You think I could carry out successful surgery missing half of my equipment? I had to use a knitting needle for an emergency appendectomy. I had to use a Stanley knife instead of a scalpel. Zombie spit instead of sterilizing alcohol!
TYLER: Yeah well that sucks.
DAVID: The problem with your generation is that you don’t try anything. You’ve been raised in an atmosphere of comfort and privilege to the point where your imagination has completely atrophied.
TYLER: What are you talking about? Acoustic techno? EDM unplugged?
DAVID: You know your attitude of defeatist pessimism is ultimately not constructive in this post-apocalyptic environment.
(TYLER walks over and picks up a pair of bricks and begins to hit them together, almost in spite, glaring at DAVID. He does it for an inordinately long time, faltering as his arms get tired, resting momentarily before continuing. He stops)
TYLER: This blows. It’s not the same. (He throws down the bricks and walks away)
LATER on, there is a dance party and Tyler is whacking the bricks together and people are dancing.
#88 — The survivors argue about the ethics of killing the zombies — Is it wrong to enjoy the feeling of killing something that is not alive? Do Zombie’s have rights? Should you refer to them by gendered pronouns?
#93 — They sit around and watch reruns of ‘Friends’ and ‘Seinfeld’ and reflect on the past from the vantage point of the postapocalyptic nightmare.
ROMANTIC TENSION ACROSS EPISODES BETWEEN BRUCE, THE TRANS WHITESUPREMACIST AND DAVID, THE PYGMY NEUROSURGEON.
COMEDIAN CHARACTER RESOLVES THE TRAUMAS THAT FUEL HIS ACT AND IS LEFT WITHOUT ANY PURPOSE WITHINTHE COMMUNITY, OTHER THAN COMMUNAL WHIPPING BOY AND IS EVENTUALLY EATEN.
TYLER, FINDS A NICHE AS AN ACOUSTIC TECHNO MUSICIAN AND BEGINS TOURING THE WASTELANDS, ENTERTAINING BANDS OF SURVIVORS WITH HIS BRICK SLAPPING ROUTINE, GROWS GIGANTIC ARM MUSCLES BUT SUFFERS FROM BACK SPASMS.
COMMUNITY SLOWLY BEGINS TO BLOSSOM AND FLOWER INTO SOME KIND OF ACCIDENTAL UTOPIA, THE BLUEPRINT FOR AN IDEAL SOCIETY AND THE NEXT STAGE OF THE EVOLUTION OF HUMANITY.
- Heavy laughtrack at all times with lots of echo and reverb, all triggered at particularly unfunny moments.