Grieving in the Sunshine

suicide sucks

Nick Troy

My friend hung himself

Today his body
will return
to the ground
from which it came

His soul already
returned
to the heavens

I keep trying to sleep

I keep imagining him

swinging on a rope
from a rafter in the basement

I wonder

I wonder if
in his last seconds
gasping for a breath that would never come
his body in its last desperate throws

I wonder
if he changed his mind
if he regretted his decision
if he wished he hadn’t done it

I like to think so
I’m not sure why that brings me comfort
maybe just because then he went down fighting
even if he lost

He went down fighting

He lost the battle
but he went down fighting

then I imagine him hanging there
suspended
in time and space
the floor joist creaking above him
swinging gently from the momentum of his final struggle

alone
at peace
at last

swaying
between the pile of clothes for donation
and the freezer full of turkeys for Thanksgiving
so much to give
so much to give

and he gave it
he gave all he had
he gave everything

Like Him to whom he prayed

a servant’s heart

too big for this cruel world

For whoever wants to save his life
will lose it,
but whoever loses his life
for My sake
and for the gospel
will save it.

a man on a cross
a man on a rope

both killed by our sin
our neglect

we
you and I
we
the collective

this cacophony
this noise
this chattering

they shouted
“BARABBAS!!”

this loneliness
this pain
this isolation

he took water,
and washed his hands,
saying,
“I am innocent of the blood
of this just person.
See ye to it.”

The Lies
we perpetuate every day
in our complicity

I’m so tired of lying
I’m so tired of worrying
I’m so tired of going it alone
And leaving you
to do the same

So here’s my truth
my grief

not alone
in the darkness

shared openly
in the sunshine

grief has a new home

no more gangrenous rotting in darkness
no more wimpering alone in the shadows

this is life
this is death
this is messy
this is grief

take it or leave it

I miss you, friend

I will do my best to learn
from your life
and your death
every damn day

live with integrity
walk the walk
give til it hurts
and then more

Get support
ask for it
receive it

commit
do the work
accept no bullshit
honor no pharisee

Live by God’s law
not man’s

Love
love and serve

repent

and

rest

I love you brother

Nick Troy

Written by

Nick Troy

Lost? How could you be lost? You’re Right Here.

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade