Kahumana, Waianae, HI

What is it?

what is it we are looking for?
this illusion of

out there

You perceive a me
doing a this
and a you
doing a that

we are resonating and reverberating

You know what I wanna be
when I grow up?

a channel

make me a channel of your peace

I think i am
I am

We all are

Wisdom isn’t about what you learn
it’s about what you un-forget

what we remember

this is an unconventional time
calling for unconventional methods
by unconventional people

we need unconventional thinking

we are in trouble

we are grieving

finding truth in your heart

It hurts so much
it hurts because it’s a lie

what is pain?

incongruence. something’s not right. foreign invader. out of alignment

why are people dying from depression, paralyzed by anxiety?

this lie

this lie

the biggest lie of all


the lie that the voice in the darkness behind your eyes is “you”




nothing could be further from the Truth

you are here

in my heart

in your heart

You’re the twinkle in a toddler’s eye

let your little light shine!

because that little light is YOU

that’s who you are

you’re not your thoughts
you’re not…

Sept 5, 2019 — Toronto, ON

I know you I walked with you
once upon a dream

on a tropical island
under the stars
hearts intertwined
dancing with glee

united at last!
there you are!
I found you!

we found we

here we are

the salty ocean breeze on our faces
the equatorial sun shines down
Kites fill the sky
and the sound of children laughing
and we don’t know why

and we don’t know how
and we don’t know what
and it doesn’t make sense at all

And the thing you see
is to manifest We
there are deaths and new births as…

Sept 4, 2019 — Toronto, ON

How do you speak from the heart?

where do you start

the truth hurts
and the truth
will set you free

you and me
can’t we see
the mess we’re wallowing in

your icky bits
my stickiness
we’re stuck here in our sin

it’s sad
it hurts
Let’s Figure It Out!

I just want to stop worrying
running and scrambling and scurrying

none of this matters at all
it’s words
it’s dumb
who cares
life goes on

we still
gotta eat
don’t you know

gotta plan
for tomorrow

you’re clinging
and afraid

I’m wasteful
and afraid


suicide sucks

My friend hung himself

Today his body
will return
to the ground
from which it came

His soul already
to the heavens

I keep trying to sleep

I keep imagining him

swinging on a rope
from a rafter in the basement

I wonder

I wonder if
in his last seconds
gasping for a breath that would never come
his body in its last desperate throws

I wonder
if he changed his mind
if he regretted his decision
if he wished he hadn’t done it

I like to think so
I’m not sure why that brings me comfort
maybe just because then…

Sssshhh… Do you hear that?

Listen, my dear
to that still small voice
that whispers
inside your heart

Listen to the sound
of the wind in your ears
on a rainforest mountaintop

Listen to the laughter
of children at play
rolling on the restaurant floor

Listen to that sacred space
my dear
to your heart

The mind will chatter
looking ever forward
ever behind

figuring figuring it out

Life’s full of puzzles
that much is true
and so this mind is a gift

that’s no way to live
No way to decide

you’ve already decided
we’ve already chosen
the path

I can’t sleep
cuz I don’t know
if you’re still alive

Visions of your funeral
haunt my mind
like waking nightmares

my phone was on airplane mode
and you’re 8 hours ahead

Are you awake yet?

Are you still with us?

I think so

but that black box
holds so many possibilities

so close

knife’s edge

perhaps literally

I don’t know
not really

how you would have done it
if you would have done it

But I’m haunted
by that alternate reality

where I was too late
where I read about it

on fucking Facebook

where that video you sent…

Adolescent Angst at Missionary Boarding School

*To hear my story in my voice, listen along via soundcloud above *

The year was 1997. I was a high school freshman at a conservative Christian boarding school on the outskirts of Manila, Philippines.

A Global Nomad Attempts the Impossible Again

*To hear my words in my voice, listen along via soundcloud above *

I wrote this essay as part of an application for a travel writer job last year. Not what they were looking for, perhaps, but a great opportunity for a rambling wanderer to work through a complicated question.

Growing up in Ethiopia, Maryland, Texas, and The Philippines means my relationship with travel is a bit complicated. More than anything, it feels like home.

The most interesting place I’ve been is on the road. In-between. Not yet there, no longer here. My earliest memory is screaming my lungs out on an airplane, the pressurized cabin pummeling my tiny ears from within…

January 22, 2018 / Bethesda, MD

This is the second in a series in which I’m sharing some older writings that were brought forth from my darkness. You can find the first here.

A short introduction to today’s post

*To hear my words in my voice, listen along via soundcloud above *

I stared at the screen
I lost myself in it
this virtual world

I tripped
and fell
into the darkness

I fell for so long
I could no longer tell
I was falling

I thought I was flying

no control


look at me
I’m a hero
this black hole

this rectangular prison
a prism
skewing my vision

Nick Troy

Lost? How could you be lost? You’re Right Here.

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