JK Rowling’s Wizarding World, The Resistance, and Noam Chomsky
We’ve been living in JK Rowling’s Wizarding World for a long time now. Really, since The Philosopher’s Stone (real fans won’t be confused by this title) was published on June 26, 1997. Those halcyon days, the glorious ’90s, when the Benevolent Ones, President William Jefferson Clinton (Headmaster Albus Dumbledore) and Prime Minister Anthony Charles Lynton Blair (Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge) were in charge and we had ‘nary a care in the world. The global economy was booming, the enlightened and moderating New Democrats and New Labour were in charge, the End of History was upon us — Peace for Our Time. Our timeline is a little different, since PRESIDENT Hillary Clinton (Hermione Granger) is married to our Dumbledore. Not everything has to be perfect with this analogy. But fast forward to 2015/2016, and our world starts to look a lot more like Book 6, The Half-Blood Prince. He-Who-Must-Be-Named-Drumpf (Lord V.) is on the move, his Death Eaters, including Stephen Bannon (Lucius Malfoy), Vladimir Putin (Antonin Dolohov), Julian Assange (Barty Crouch Jr.) and Jared Kushner (Peter Pettigrew), are aiding and abetting him at every turn, enabling his rapid ascent to the highest level of politics in the entire world.
On the night of November 8, 2016, at 2:45 A.M. EST, we officially entered a new, terrifying epoch, crossing over into Book 7: The Deathly Hallows. With the metaphorical death of Dumbledore through the illegitimate defeat of Hermione Granger, Lord V. assumed power and holds it to this day. The question on all of our minds: Who is our Harry Potter? Who will save us? Bernie Sanders may think he’s Harry Potter (pfft), but he’s more like Crabbe or Goyle, a useful idiot of Dark Magic. Is it Pete Buttigieg? He seems a strong contender, with his boy-who-lived good looks and his ability to speak seven languages, including parseltongue. Alas, though, there are no gay wizards in JK Rowling’s Wizarding World, besides Dumbledore, who is actually Bill Clinton, who isn’t actually gay. Who else?! Where is our Harry? Is it Kamala? Elizabeth Warren? Jeffrey Epstein? No, none of the above. The truth: it’s Joe Biden. But guess what — we don’t need him. Though he’ll do in a pinch. We need her. Hermione. She’s the hero we need, the hero we deserve, and the hero who will vanquish Lord V. once and for all in 2020: The Battle of Hogwarts. Avada Kedavra to “President” He-Who-Must--Be-Named-Drumpf! Oh, wait, that’s a bit much, killing someone, even if it is Lord V. himself. Expelliarmus to “President” He-Who-Must-Be-Named-Drumpf! Much better.
Not convinced by the power (magic) of this metaphor? Who better to ask than JK Rowling (JK Rowling) herself. On He-Who-Must-Be-Named-Drumpf: “How horrible. Voldemort was nowhere near as bad.” Scary. Or ask Hermione: “One study even found that young people who read the Harry Potter books . . . were more compassionate toward immigrants, refugees, and members of the LGBT community.” She’s so woke. How about Professor Anthony Gierzynski (Professor McGonagall): “I would think the Harry Potter lessons are even more relevant today than they were for the 2012 election.” Truth bomb (spell)! And don’t forget Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda (Eds. Note: did Hogwarts have a drama teacher?): “Order of the Phoenix, mount up.” We. Are. Legion. And before you write this all off as FANTASY, check out this headline!
Another question I’m sure you’ve been asking yourselves: Who is Noam Chomsky in this epic tale? Noam Chomsky, the internationally “renowned” linguist and scholar, perhaps the most famous American dissident in the world. Chomsky is no supporter of Lord V., but he only offered the most tepid support to Hermione during the 2016 coup. From Politico: “Noam Chomsky would ‘absolutely’ choose [Hermione Granger] over the [Death Eater] nominee if he lived in a swing state.” Okay, Noam, but you live in Massachusetts. Safe Dumbledore’s Army territory. You’re saying you didn’t vote for Hermione just because everyone else around you was? This kind of Voting Hipsterism is exactly what allowed Lord V. to steal the election. So who is Noam, really? I baited him with an email, attempting to speak in a language I imagined would appeal to him. I wrote to him, subject line Performance, Media, and Liberation: “Dear Professor Chomsky, I want to ask you about your thoughts regarding intersectional queer-socialist (socialist-queer) liberation and mass media representations, specifically related to the cultural phenomenon of Harry Potter (JK Rowling’s Wizarding World). I’ve written an essay, which I’ve excerpted below — I’d love your feedback. I hope you’re doing well.”
The excerpts were gibberish, academic jargon (HP canon) I cutup from JSTOR (Pottermore). He responded quickly: “Afraid it’s a world I’m completely unfamiliar with.” Okay, so Noam’s a muggle? I wasn’t satisfied, though — that would be just too easy. I pushed back, I Resisted, I Persevered: “Thank you so much for your prompt reply. You never read the books? Saw the movies?”
His reply was damning: “I read the first Harry Potter book to my grandchildren. By the time the second came out, they’d learned to read well enough to prefer doing so by themselves.”
Noam Chomsky is weaving a web of lies, fronting as a muggle to hide a much darker reality: Noam Chomsky is a Squib. A wizard-born, non-magical person. He is more than familiar with this world, but he has made a choice to abdicate his knowledge and power and responsibility and leave it to the rest of us, the Resistance, Dumbledore’s Army, to deal with. Noam Chomsky is a pretender, a liar, and a Nameless Squib. In case you still don’t get it, I’ll make the case through memes (charms).
No wonder he’s never on CNN (The Quibbler) or MSNBC (The Daily Prophet). No Squibs allowed in this Resistance. So forget Chomsky and the other Chomsky Bros/Squibs, like Corey Atad (SQUIB) and Matthew Dessem (SQUIB!). Say (incant) it with me: Hermione Granger 2020. Still with her. Resist and Perservere my brothers and sisters (y hermanos y hermanas) in Gryffindor. The Battle of Hogwarts awaits, and we shall be victorious!
The final mystery, though: Who. Is. Chapo. Trap. House? I have reached out for a comment, and they have yet to reply.
My educated guess though? Beta (Mudblood) Cucks (Dementors).