Today Geoff, Oliver and I went to Swanage. Its the place where we feel a million miles away from all the stresses of life.
We popped by to say hi to my grandma who passed away in 2001. My grandad is also there but unfortunately don’t remember him as well as passed when I was 2 yrs old. Oliver and Geoff watched the horses in the field next door while I washed their head stone and cleared away the leaves. Even though she may not be here in person, she is my strength that’s keeping me going.
Lovely to walk on the beach but at the time so very tiring. Geoff reminded me today that my operation was 5 hours long which is like running 25k and my body is exhausted and needs to recover slowly. Its hard to digest it and take on board that I must rest especially when Oliver has been ready to potty train for past 6 months but with everything we haven’t had the time.
Also people keep telling me how well I look and how strong I’m being is actually getting me down. I am not strong , I’m weak, exhausted and emotional drained, I pick myself up as Geoff needs to work and I need to care for the boys (No daily help so NO choice). I am not one to ask for help so struggle to carry on alone. I’m in pain every day and hate the way this CANCER is ruling my life. We have planned trips away and I pray we can make them happen but my life is on hold till i get the all clear, which is hard to swallow and hate letting others down when we all deserve them.
