Road to Self-Discovery
I ended up leaving Tokyo early morning and arrived in Manila later that evening on September 22nd.
My dad was the one who waited for me at the arrival then we just walked to where my aunt and step-mom waited for me at a particular restaurant inside the airport.
As always, I was greeted with a warm welcome. There is certainly a truth in the saying that goes “All you really have in this world is family.”
I spent the first week with my family and the second week with my friends.
I got to see everyone’s support when I actually doubted them before.
I got to realize how my family really loved and appreciated me when I’ve always believed how much of a disgrace I was to them.
I got to see who were my real friends and the people I’m actually wasting my time with.
I was still experiencing anxiety attacks and cried my eyes out when I talk about my most recent heartbreak but I learned how to accept things as they are already.
The highlight of my homecoming was I got closer to my dad.
We had a good talk about a lot of things and it was the first time for me to hear his side.
I cried and told him how sorry I was that I disrespected him. I only acted that way because I felt unaccepted by him but went out of control and lost myself in the process.
He forgave me but he still won’t be proud of me unless I don’t get my shit together when I come back to Japan.
I promised him I’ll do better this time for sure. I’ve also talked with everyone else in the family and had their full support on me trying to put my life back together.
Going back to Manila certainly made me feel I can start fresh again.
My recent relationship may only lasted for a few months but the real cause that brought me to this point was the fact that I’ve been abusing myself mentally by going into relationships I’m not emotionally ready for.
While in a relationship with my recent partner, I’ve always told him we still need to find ourselves but it never occurred to me that we can’t do that if we’re together.
It may work for some but we are all different individuals and all of us know that there are just a very few exceptions to every rule.
He was having quarter life crisis and I was, too; mine just intensified because of how much of a drama queen I am and how I get my emotions get the best of me.
I’m never going to say that I’m happy with the breakup. I’m also never going to say I’m not bitter.
I’m extremely sad and bitter about it.
I felt like I already found the person whom I could spend the rest of my life with.
1 month after and I’m still trying to heal.
Each day I remind myself it’s okay to be sad and bitter about everything that happened but time is fleeting, the Earth doesn’t stop for my grief.
I did everything I could but I will never beg for him to stay.
I’ve finally learned the brutal truth about self-worth. As to what my dad told me,
“Respect is everything. You can’t simply ask people to respect you — -you earn it. Respect yourself and everything will fall into place. Know where you stand.”
Just like any other people who does New Year’s resolutions every year, I’m also not the type to actually put everything into action.
Although, I did promise myself, my family and friends that I’ll live a better life.
I got a new job recently so I’ll be focusing on my career for the meantime while also doing sideline freelance works for my art.
I still haven’t overcome my sadness about the breakup because I still think about the could haves and should haves.
But again, I should get over it. Sadness is inevitable but suffering is always a choice.
I’ve learned how to accept and live with my depression and anxieties.
I’m thankful that I have a very loving support system that consists of family and friends.
I’m living in Japan, my dream country since I was young.
I have passions and dreams to fulfill.
About love and relationships… I’ve realized one thing:
If one person could make you feel so loved and appreciated, what will happen if you turn to the world and meet more people who can give you ten or a thousand times more?
The usual problem with us lately is that we invest in so much to one person without leaving some for ourselves. We don’t think of the consequences. What if s/he leaves?
I thought of him as my whole world and everything I did revolved around him.
I never thought of the possibility of that world crashing down.
I may still haven’t picked up all the pieces but I know I will.
This whole experience taught me self-worth on a whole new level.
The love you give yourself is the love you give to others.
In my case, I didn’t really love myself. I thought I did, though. And maybe that’s how I subconsciously showed people I thought I loved. They didn’t see sincerity in me because I don’t love myself to begin with.
I was extremely unsatisfied with myself. I was settling with things that I know deep inside I can do or have much better. And again, it showed.
Now, I know.