№ 15- on hopelessness

i can feel my heartbeat pounding in my chest.
it feels like it’s screaming at me,
that it’s fed up with working for me.
that it’s sick and tired of beating.
that it’s refusing to do it’s job anymore.

it’s scary to think
that 
an organ
which shouldn’t even have feelings
can feel like it feels like it feels.

it’s scary to consider
that even my instincts
have fled from my being.

whenever i stand too close to the edge of a cliff
i’ve never felt fear.
instead,
i feel an animalistic tug at the bottom of my gut,
and it feels like gravity has decided to work sideways,
and pull my body towards the edge,
before resuming its normal functioning
and pulling me down.

i was once told that the reason that i feel an inhuman pull
to jump
is because our brains are designed to make the strongest choice.
and when faced with a height we can’t fight, 
the strongest choice is giving in.
funny, how in this case, we all feel the pull of suicide,
but as soon as it’s in a different situation,
suicide is the weakest choice.

my heart is throbbing.
i drank too much coffee,
even though i’m predisposed to a condition where i have naturally elevated blood pressure.
i know it’s extraodinarily bad for me
but i can’t find the strength in me to care about my physical condition.

maybe suicidal-ness isn’t always that easy to see.
it’s not always jumping infront of a bus,
or off a cliff.
maybe it’s crossing the street without looking both ways
or drinking coffee when you have a heart problem.