Will Men Wait Until Marriage to Have Sex?

Nicole C. Lockett
Sep 7, 2018 · 11 min read

In May 2016, at the end of a 4 year relationship to a man I was engaged to, I decided to “Wait”. I read Devon Franklin and Megan Good’s book, The Wait: A Powerful Practice for Finding the Love of your Life and a Life You Love. I never even heard of that concept. I thought it was something of a fantasy or fairy tale. That idea of being a virgin until marriage was an idea long gone. The book impressed me so much and resonated so deeply; combined with their logical standpoint and proof, I thought, “Why not me?” Clearly the way I had been going about wanting to be happily married was not working, so what the heck?

As per the advice of the “Wait”, I took a year off dating and the club scene while focusing on bettering myself. I gave up drinking, (because let’s face it, for me, Drinks + Hot Date *does not = Celibacy). I starting working on a career that I love with what I am passionate about as a Bikram yoga teacher, practicing energy medicine using my gifts as a healer, with aspirations to be a writer and inspirational speaker. I also started cultivating a closer relationship with God.

In this time, I’ve encountered the Love of God and came into a connection that I did not know was available. I have come to know and viscerally feel the overwhelming Love and Peace of God that really does surpass all understanding.

The Dating Began

In November, 2017, the day after I celebrated my first year of sobriety, I met Chris. He came up to me at an annual dinner and dance fundraiser. I already decided at this point that I was not going to be asking guys out anymore, that if a man had the courage to come up to me and ask me out on a date, then I’d consider. I’d just let it happen. I thought he was attractive, though he seemed a little overly confident (i.e. insecure LOL). Not usually my type, but I thought to myself, ‘stop judging, dude.’ So I took his card after declining to give him my number and called him the next day after checking him out on all social media profile’s I could find;) He had his own fitness program that looked interesting, very professional, no girls, so he checked out.

Our first date, he came to meet me at my church. Another check. We went out to dinner after and it came up that I was “Waiting”. He was still interested **Phew. He told me what he was looking for in a relationship. It resonated. At the end of the date, we shared a taxi uptown from the East Village.

He looked at me as his stop was approaching, and he asked me again about the Waiting.

I said, “Yeah, I’m for real.”

“I can’t believe that you could say that with a straight face.” He chuckled.

I laughed, said goodnight, and gave him a peck on the cheek. That felt good.

Strong Feelings, Chemistry, and Good Times don’t mean Longevity or Divine Destiny

Thus, began the dating. We started seeing more of one another. There was so much chemistry and we were going out and spending time together almost every day. He was showing off our pictures to his parents and we were hanging out with his friends. He came with me to my church holiday party and was meeting me at church. Within a month he wanted to be exclusive because he said he was developing feelings for me and didn’t want anybody else. It was nice to have a man say straight up that he wanted me. I was thinking “Man! This Waiting business is really quick!”

New Year’s Eve came around and it was so nice to go to my friend’s party with him. I am one of those weird people who is usually home and sleeping when the ball drops. It was like a dream to have someone I cared about to kiss and have his arms wrapped around me at the ball drop. I never had that before. Not even in my previous long-term relationship.

I began to announce the relationship. That was a big step for me and scary. But it still felt good. He was buying me flowers just because, taking me to shows, communicating, and really investing in the relationship.

I kept inviting him to church, he would show up at the end to meet me and not really be there for the message. I kept “patiently” trying to invite him, but really I was pushing him to get the same experience I had, hoping he’d want to go for himself. I did not realize how important this was for me. That it has become such an integral part of my life and community today.

Finally, I invited him to Friday night worship one night and he politely declined, saying that he would support me with that; from a far. He had his own conception of God, we talked about spirituality, and he had his own prayer and meditation practice. I thought the relationship to be fine.

During service that night, as my Pastor was giving this message about calling and obedience, it started to hit me really hard that I could actually miss my calling being with the wrong person. God started to reveal to me that this man was not who he intends for me.

I even talked to the lead Pastor that evening after service and he reminded me of what happened to him when he married someone that people were advising not to; how it ended in divorce. AND they waited! Even though people Wait and do it “God’s way”, that still does not mean success if it is not really God’s intention. We often let our loneliness get the best of us and our patience wears, so when something that looks good- even feels good shows up, our emotions get in the way and we actually forget to check in with God. Thankfully my Pastor is happily married to a gorgeous and wise wife with a child today, so I can see where His faith ultimately lead him. This gives me great encouragement to heed advice.

Still, I was so bummed. I thought ‘Why God? I really like this guy! Things have been going so well! There’s so much chemistry, and he’s being so good to me!’

I met Chris for dinner around his place after service that night. He didn’t meet me with a smile as usual. During dinner, there seemed to be some sort of disconnect. I figured he had a long day and was tired. I had planned to jump in a taxi to head home after, but he said, “Let’s get some ice cream.” After ice cream, he walked with me to the corner to catch a cab. We dawdled there for a moment, and I decided I would go back with him to his apartment to watch T.V. After-all, it was barely 10pm. I could hang for 30 minutes and still get home to get some good rest.

We watched T.V., there was still this feeling of disconnection. He was tired and fell asleep. I held onto him, cuddling, and continued to think about this not being the relationship that was going to be the best in the long-run.

I got so discouraged, questioning God. “If this is not the man for me, why am I even waiting for?” in that moment, I said “Fuck it.” I decided to take my will back. I woke him up and told him to fuck me. He woke with a confused look; like for a moment, he was going to say “Are you sure? I thought this was really important to you?” He’s a man. He did not have the conviction I had. He continued to pursue a relationship with me in spite of my decision. So of course he did. It wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t bad. But, I knew deep in my heart, “This is not what I want.”

I prepared to leave after, reverting to my old thinking that a man got what he wanted, so I may as well just do myself a favor and leave, because this is over. He told me that he loved me and wanted me; that he did not get where I was coming from and if I left right now I could be walking away from something that could be really special. I stayed. I told him that I thought this is not what God wants. He said, “fuck God” and professed out into the nothingness “I want this woman! I want to marry this woman.” I thought, Man, I must really be twisted. I just tried to sabotage this relationship. We laid down and went to sleep.

The next morning I let him have me again. We prepared for our day. He was in the shower and I was brushing my teeth. Like a pretend marriage. We went on our ways and planned to meet later that evening. We had come to develop a Saturday night routine. So, it just felt natural.

I went teach a class, so it was nice to get out of myself. After class, feeling dazed and confused, I flicked through my phone and saw an Instagram post from my church about their healing rooms happening at that very moment. Since God likes to communicate with me via social media, I took it as a sign and went. I told the prayer group what was going on. They laid hands on me and began to pray. I was there for what felt like an hour crying and feeling the guilt, shame, and condemnation being washed away from me. As if the flowing waters of God’s love was irrigating my heart system. I left feeling numb, yet serene. This was my decision, I accepted that. I went back to the yoga studio to practice. I needed all the emotional healing and stability I could reach for.

I met with Chris after class. He met me with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I had ever been given. We hugged and kissed. He tried to lay me down again. I stopped him. I told him of my day and that I need time to figure out if this is really the best for me. He seemed upset. I think mostly because the anticipation of sex had been so great in the last couple of months of being together. Having such a strong sexual chemistry and steamy make out sessions, to finally have it happen and it was not what was hoped for. He wanted to “give it to me” and really show me what he had. I knew he would be good, but my heart wasn’t in it and I couldn’t fully let go and enjoy myself. I let him have me because I was discouraged in my wait, not because our passions had become so great I gave into temptation.

In his disappointment, I think, quite naturally he wanted to see if this relationship was worth it to continue. Sex IS important, yet it takes time to develop between people; and really, it’s not the glue that will make a relationship last.

How often do we sleep with people and have an amazingly passionate experience only for it to not even turn into real relationship?

We went out to meet with a group of our friends for dinner. I talked with my ladies and he was connecting with his guys. I felt insecure and out of place. We ended up back at his place after. It was difficult to talk. We started to fool around. I let him take me. I really let him have it and I couldn’t even finish. There I was again, basing my value on what I could offer sexually. Trying to keep intimacy with sex rather than having an honest conversation which I knew deep down would lead to us possibly parting ways. I was doing the very thing I was trying to avoid when I made the decision to practice “The Wait.”

I didn’t feel right, I didn’t feel safe or secure. It wasn’t him, it was the situation.

It is better to admit when something is not good for the long term, to be obedient to God, and to have the courage to pray for the strength to let go. To trust and to ask for faith to believe in things to come that are meant for our good.

It’s not religion, it’s believing.

God gave me this revelation to “Wait” because He knows me and has a life planned for me. Divine intervention happens and we get grace to make a different decision in the way we think things should go so that we can get what we truly want. When we come to believe that there is a God that Loves us and cares deeply for us, we can learn to trust in this mystery that is life.

When I decided to “Wait”, I was already seeking God. In the process, I’ve come to know God and create intimacy with Him that is more important to me than anything. Apart from God, I can do nothing worthwhile. So being a believer, having come to the faith that I have that is continuously growing, I cannot let myself go backwards. For me, that looks like letting go of things that are not pulling me closer to God.

Does God Actually have a Man for Me?

This experience happened for me to trust that if I want to do things the way God is leading me, then I have to trust in Him completely and lean not unto my own understanding.

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.” (Ecclesiastes 11:5 NIV)

I am being called to a higher standard. God is trying to upgrade my life and the way my mind is thinking right now. The things I think I really want may not be the best for me, the ultimate good, and/ or the plan for my life.

So I learn to “Wait”, patiently.

……………………………………………………………………………………

I began writing this piece after that break-up back in February of this year. Looking back, I’ve come to understand and believe that God does have a man FOR ME! He would not bring me to this revelation if otherwise.

I am really beginning to believe in His Faithfulness and not my strength. That when I am weak and my heart is failing, His Spirit is strengthening me and giving me faith. That God is ultimately the lover of my soul. He pursues me. He romances me, provides for, and protects me. He’s the defender of my heart and He knows me. He knows what I like and most importantly, what I need because He’s given me the desires of my heart and created me the way I am on purpose. He’s also created a man that will see my heart and will be able to love and care for me the way He intends.

God wants His daughters to have a man that will cover and protect them. That will support and partner with them and lead them to divine destiny; for the healing of this world. A husband that will value and participate in the things that we truly value and enjoy; to build a life and a legacy with. That will strive to love us the way He does.

Any other way will not only not be good enough, but it’ll fall apart. I choose to do things God’s way, because I trust Him and love Him, and I know His Supreme Love for me.

So the question is not, “Will a man Wait?” but “Will you trust God, your inner knowing, and prepare yourself (body, mind, and soul) to be who you were created to be and step into your greatness? To recognize that you are worth Waiting for? And that God intends for you to be happy and has given you the desire and wants this for you even more than you do?!” It doesn’t have to be a leap, but a small step towards faith. It can simply start with a thought. Faith the size of a mustard seed.

I’ve come to believe and hope for a man that loves the Lord as I do that will not only Wait because of me, but will love himself enough to Wait for God’s best, too. That wants to live his best life, to do his best, because he knows that that’s what we are here for. I know it’s going to happen when I’m least expecting it. God wants to give us life and give it to us more abundantly. It’s worth His Perfect Timing. So for now, I focus on myself, enjoy the life given to me with joy, and continue to be loved to wholeness by the Lord. Amen.