Humility & Ego: How Businessmen In The Middle East & Yogis In India Taught Me Balance After West Point & War

Nicole Dieso
Jul 25, 2017 · 8 min read
Corps Of Cadets, 2001 by: J. Rice

I never felt the need to cultivate humility because the importance of staying humble was absolutely set in stone during my four years at the US Military Academy, West Point.

West Point is a constant push-pull system of validation for things you never dreamed your mind or body could accomplish balanced out by a healthy dose of failure to keep you from leading with your ego.

You are made to feel humble within minutes of arriving on your first day at West Point during the infamous ‘R’ day and it continues right up until the moment you graduate. Everything at West Point is scored, from how you shine your shoes, to how you shoot your weapon, to how fast you run two miles, to how effectively you lead others, to of course, the standard academic requirements.

More times than I would like to admit, I received critical feedback and heard deflating comments like “That’s a high zero Dieso” — a West Point phrase no one wants to hear but, everyone at some point does. I heard different versions of humbling feedback throughout my four years, whether it was during military, physical or academic training. In full transparency, freshman gymnastics was called spaznastics for a reason and I was part of that reason. As you can imagine, many cadets, me included, had gymnastics skills that left a lot to be desired. Humility, I graduated West Point with a surplus.

“Great leaders don’t need to act tough. Their confidence and humility serve to underscore their toughness.” — Simon Sinek

In military leadership, both written and unwritten doctrine, you are taught to stay humble. Humility, quite simply in a military leadership context, but applicable to all leadership roles from parent to CEO, is defined by two core principles:

- Never take credit when the mission goes well; always give credit away to those you work with and those you serve. To be clear, those you serve are not your bosses or the higher command; they are the individuals you lead.

- Always take full responsibility when the mission goes wrong. Leaders are accountable for their actions and the actions of the individuals they lead — fullstop.

The truth is, the military has protocols and rules in place to ensure we don’t make assumptions along with checks and balances to stay accountable as humble leaders.

Take, for example, the military uniform, which generally speaking, is a gender neutralizer. While wearing a uniform, I never once had to introduce myself or validate my seat at any table (sand table in Iraq or otherwise). I never had to say out loud that I was in charge. I never thought twice about getting paid the same as my male colleagues or questioned my professional value through the lens of being a woman because I was absolutely equal. Not once in my 4 years at West Point and 5 years in the Army did I ever think about how my uniform was actually my armor — my rank, combat patch, and last name was my resume. No assumptions were made because everything was on me, literally. How clean and pressed my uniform was and how I fit into it made my standards and physical fitness known. I wasn’t married; my last name could not and was not tied to a man in the military. I stood on my own.

What about Ego?

Ego is a dirty word in the military as you are trained to always put the mission first and the team before your needs. Ego is not to be confused with confidence — military leaders are confident and competitive, but they do not think or act as if they are better than anyone else because everyone is replaceable — this is by design. In war, mission success cannot hinge on one person alone. Of course, this sense of selflessness serves the military well and is necessary in the work the military must to do; however, it also comes with a downside. We can read about leadership or listen to a lecture, but until we experience it, it doesn’t change us on a cellular level. We all have the tools inside of us to be successful, but we have to connect what we intellectually know (our mind) with our physical body to experience real change. I had not experienced Ego in the collective of the military, but post military it presented itself at inopportune times and I, like many others, didn’t know how to rein it in once my ego finally presented.

Humility Out The Window — Ego In Through The Front Door

I transitioned out of the military and into a civilian role in the Middle East in order to change my perspective on that part of the world, but it was more of a culture shock than I was mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for. In my role as a female business executive, I worked with an international team of Arab men who were professional, respectful and had no issues empowering women; however, I frequently encountered challenges outside of my internal team. Too often, when working in business negotiations across the region, I encountered Arab businessmen who didn’t want to shake my hand. I had dealt with many Arab men in Iraq, but I was in uniform and also was carrying a loaded weapon at all times. In the business setting, I wrongly believed that I wouldn’t be minimized, ignored, or dismissed as long as I stayed humble, dressed conservatively and did my job well. A few assumed I was someone’s mistress, the company secretary, or more than once, a Mossad agent. As professionally as possible, I tried to focus on the business at hand, but then my ego started taking up way too much space in my brain. I was up against ignorant men who chose to irrationally mesh religion with international business. Was I the only one who believed International business was not exclusive to males? Humility out the window — Ego in through the front door and I lost the ability to lead myself.

The pendulum of my ego swung from barely holding myself back from becoming physically aggressive (not my finest moment) to questioning my right to have an ego at all and apologizing for something I should not have been apologizing for, which was being a woman. It was the first time in my life I ever apologized for being me and the taste of the words coming out of my mouth ensured it would be the last.

Humility had turned into humiliation and I was not getting my job done, regardless of how hard I worked. I did not want to abrogate my responsibilities, but I realized authentic leaders pivot when they don’t have the tools to change the situation externally, so I decided to make some changes internally.

“Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them.” — Paramahansa Yogananda

I sent myself to India for a month to learn yogic principles that in many ways bridge military leadership values of integrity, accountability and discipline with the mind-body connection. During my time in India, I learned to make the unconscious conscious through the practice of yoga. I learned to give my body and mind time to connect before I reacted. I learned to breathe (yes, there absolutely is a correct way to breathe) and I learned to meditate.

Yoga is not what is sold in most US yoga studios today. You can physically bend yourself into a pretzel pose and say you mediate, but still be an unenlightened, unhealthy jerk, and an unconscious leader of no one. At its core, yoga is a practice. A practice of discipline far beyond physical exercise — one that teaches you tools for maintaining balance of humility and ego.

There is a space in-between our mind-body’s internal reaction and our external reaction. I had never been aware of that space before and I had never practiced consciously observing its existence in everything we do.

While in India, I learned to hone in on that millisecond of processing in order to be present in what is happening in my mind and body. I learned that being present is the key to take control over my reaction. In order to truly lead from a place of humility, you first must be able to be fully present. We all have an ego — operating solely from the ego is dangerous, but ego is also necessary to lead with conviction. The balance of humility and ego was the missing link that becoming a yogi taught me.

Making the unconscious conscious.

Sometimes the simplest change can make all the difference. After my time in India, I returned to my job in the Middle East. The subtle change I introduced was in the way I presented myself during introductions. Upon greeting, I decided to always extend my hand for a handshake and hold it there. My face wasn’t aggressive — it was calm. My arm wasn’t a threat or an extension of my ego, it was simply an extension of who I was. If my hand wasn’t received, then I didn’t internalize it to be about me or an attack on who I am. Most times my hand was met, but the times it was not, the eye contact and body language from both myself and the individual in front of me softened to mutual respect. Some men put a hand to their heart with a slight bow while some men would apologize. Some men would bring both hands into prayer position. There was the outlier who met me with disdain and aggression and I was able to wish him well and walk away because when someone shows you who they are, it is best to believe them.

I began to achieve success because I was able to stay humble and set an example of how a professional businesswoman can lead with a balanced ego; hopefully I provided an example that made it easier for the next woman who had a meeting with those men.

I also continued my practice of being present in what is happening in my mind and body and began to share these lessons with others. Instead of thinking about what you are going to say next while someone else is talking, be present and just listen. Instead of trying to change the behaviors of others, be open to understanding what’s behind that behavior. Be fully present when someone is communicating with you; listen to him or her without texting, emailing or eating at the same time, quiet your mind so you can feel your own emotions. Take the time to confirm that what you are trying to communicate is being received and you will notice immediate results.

Science tells us we perform better when we feel listened to. We crave authentic connection and authentic connection is directly tied to our ability to communicate effectively and be more productive. Living in balance of humility and ego is a practice; you never master it, you just continue to show up for yourself and the people with whom you come in contact with.

The military instilled in me what it means to be a leader of character; to Say what you mean and mean what you say, and to Own your actions and the actions of those you lead. However, it wasn’t until I became a yogi that I learned to Transform my awareness and practice conscious leadership at the highest level.

Nicole Dieso is an International Mind-Body Connection Leadership Coach, Professor & Public Speaker. She is a Veteran of the Iraq War and a graduate of the US Military Academy West Point, Class of 2001.

www.sayowntransform.com

Nicole Dieso

Written by

International Mind-Body Connection Leadership Coach, Professor & Public Speaker www.sayowntransform.com

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