I Don’t Know What I’m Doing (PART ONE)
…you’re not going to believe how I wound up in Peru because of it (PART ONE)

I read this piece called “I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING AS A WRITER — AND THAT’S WHAT CAN HELP YOU TOO — this lesson can be applied beyond just writing” by Tim Denning who said that “the only barrier to entry is you.”
After I finished reading what he had to say I had to sit back and chuckle with myself. This guy is telling the story of my life! “I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING” — yeah, the stories I could tell.
It can be scary leaving behind what you think you know to head full force into the unknown. Especially when people are suggesting that you actively look into mental health counseling, your friends are dropping like flies, and your parents just show up unexpectedly at your doorstep just to check in on you, — but they live a plane ride away.

About four years ago I decided to take a ten day trip to the jungles of Peru. I had been following a blogger who put out some really unorthodox posts on life on this planet as he saw it. The articles were very well written, they were informative, concise, and well researched. They leaned towards a combination of what some may call conspiracy theory and also the inner workings of the human psyche. What intrigued me above all else was how inclusive he was of the perceptions of other people and how we each have our own way of being, and that’s okay. He wasn’t trying to fix anyone or get anyone to change and be more like him. He celebrated everyone’s individuality.
Well, he and a friend decided to start hosting trips to the jungles of Peru. Dirt roads, no traffic, organic food, Tai Chi and yoga, sharing circles, long hikes, healing ceremonies, no television, no cell phones, etc. This could not have come at a better time in my life. I was immediately on board and made arrangements to get myself to Peru within the next couple of months. I was stoked about my new adventure. I put in a request to take two weeks off from work and when that was approved everything else fell into place. Not easily, but I did make it there!
So, I’m having a conversation with a co-worker about my upcoming trip. She’s says to me,
“I hear you’re taking some vacation.”
“Oh yeah, I’m taking a trip to Peru.”
“Peru? Wow! Will you be participating in any Ayahuasca ceremonies?”
“Ayahuasca? What’s that?”
“Some kind of healing psychedelic that I saw in a documentary on Shamanism in Peru.”
“Oh, well, I don’t think so. I’m going to immerse myself deep into nature, the jungle, and get a clearer perspective on my life. No tv and phone, or any other distractions, a real getaway.”
“Oh goodness! Wouldn’t that be helpful for us all? Who are you going with?”
“I’m going by myself.”
“Oh, so will you be meeting a friend or someone that you know when you get to Peru?”
“Uhhh, no. My plane will land in Tarapoto, a little town in northern Peru and a driver will meet me and drive me to the cabin that we will be staying at deep within the jungle.”
“Is this set up through a travel agency?”
“No, I follow a blogger who will be hosting the trip.”
“Oh, well where will you be driven to?”
“Ahhh, I don’t know how to pronounce the name of the little village that I’m staying in.”
“So, who will you be staying with?”
“A small group of people, about ten or so. I haven’t met any of them yet. They are people from all over the world.”
“Do they all speak English?”
“Great question, I have no idea.”

“You’re traveling to another country, by yourself? A non English speaking country. A blogger set up the trip? You’ll be staying in the jungle in a village with a group of strangers from all over the world? You don’t know how to pronounce the name of village? Are you sure this is safe?”
“I’m not sure of much. I’m not sure that coming to work everyday is safe. I am nomadic by nature. I am very comfortable with people who are different from me. And I love adventure.”
“Ok, well what if something happens to you while you’re there? What if you get hurt?”
“You know, I hadn’t considered that. Everything seems legitimate and pretty cut and dry with this trip. There’s nothing vague or weird about it. It’s a retreat. I’ll be fine.”
“I would be too terrified to do that! Please be careful. I can’t wait to see your pictures when you get back.”
I don’t recall how many times I had that conversation with different people — ALL of whom felt the need to express that there’s no way they would go on this trip. That was a clear indication that I was very different from the people that I had surrounding me. Yeah, I didn’t know what I was doing. But that was the sparkle that lit my fire. This wasn’t my first rodeo traveling and living in other countries, but this was the first trip that I had taken of this kind. Expansion, growth, and the ability to experience the unknown was laid before my feet and I didn’t think twice about signing up for it.
This trip proved to be the catalyst for the ending of my marriage. My husband at the time forbid me to go. He accused me of stealing the money out of our joint account to pay for the trip and he told me that if I went on this trip not to come back home. I was advised by a family member that if I wanted to keep my marriage that I should cancel the trip. But like I said earlier, “…I did make it there!”
…to be continued
I Don’t Know What I’m Doing (PART TWO) by Nicole Dyer
