The 10 Best Places to Have Sex (and 5 of the Worst)

Maybe you want to spice up your sex life. Perhaps you have a fantasy you want to make a reality. It could be that someone told you to “get a room,” and you’re hell-bent on showing them. Regardless of the reason, it’s time. Time to expand your mind and broaden your experiences. There are so many great places to have sex that don’t involve a bedroom or even a bed.

Sometimes the best way to learn about yourself is to step outside your comfort zone and explore your imagination. You may find that you’re a more adventurous lover than you realize. A great place to start is getting down in some of the best places known to man and woman. Here are a few of the best, for your consideration.

A Roaring Fireplace

If you’ve never experienced nuts roasting on (or near) an open fire, you’re missing out. There are fewer things more romantic than rolling around on a rug, soaking up the warmth of a crackling fire. The glow of your lover’s skin, glistening against the soft hues of yellow and orange.

As you move about, you can experiment with the natural temperatures of the room. The shadows cooling your sex-flushed face while the flames warm your willing orifices. And afterward, you can snuggle up for some hot cocoa and post-shag bonding.

Atop A Grand Piano

What’s more seductive than Maurice Ravel’s “Sonatine”? Getting busy on the sleek Steinway while the pianist works through each movement. If you aren’t in a position to make that happen, getting busy on any grand piano should get your keys ringing.

And bonus, new research shows that music can enhance women’s attraction for men. The lid is big enough to hold most people. Jump on up, take advantage of the slick high-gloss finish, and make some music of your own.

Virtually

New technologies are revolutionizing the way people have virtual sex. Long gone are the days of chats and suggestive text. Modern cybersex is much more tactile now. Teledildonics are gadgets (like dildos, butt plugs, and other sex toys) that your cyber partner control over the internet.

For example, a woman can insert a dildo and have her partner control the movements of it with his thrusting. From across the world. Technology is cool.

A Ferris Wheel

Not all Ferris wheels are created equal. Many wheels give you a private cabin. Some even offer swank cabins with velvet or velour interiors and champagne. It’s almost as if they’re asking you to bone in there. Sometimes, the more you pay the longer you ride. And ride you shall. For most wheels, you have about fifteen minutes to do the deed (which is an “adequate” length of time). Tipping the attendant might get you a little longer.

The best position for a Ferris wheel is the love seat. It minimizes rocking while maximizing depth of penetration. Take in the views while you’re at the top, and enjoy the champagne.

Atop A Washing Machine

The high-frequency vibrations of a washing machine in spin cycle are almost as good as vibrators and cock rings. It’s a two-in-one; you can both jump up there and get the benefit of one machine. Women can enjoy the vibrations on her clit. Men can enjoy the vibes on his balls and perineum.

Let the machine work with you. Roll and spin, much like the load underneath you. Let the vibrations of the spin cycle course through you. And afterward, wipe yourself off with a rag and pop it right into the machine.

In The Desert

Sex in the desert has one major benefit. There’s nobody for miles. You can strip off all your clothes, leave your scruples at home, and screw like wild animals. Call out to the moon if it pleases you. Play out your kinkiest fantasies. It’s just you, your dusty Don Juan, and the phallic cacti surrounding you.

If you make the trip worth your while (and I hope you do), bring plenty of water and snacks to replenish those fluids and nutrients. You can have some real fun when you’re in a place with no rules or reservations.

On An Elevator

The elevator is an exhibitionist’s bosom buddy. You could be bumping uglies in a glass box, exposed to hundreds of people. Or getting down in a confined space with others who are just trying to get somewhere. Perhaps you’re alone with your Rico Suave, racing the vertical clock. It’s a convenient place for a one-off quickie between business meetings.

It’s also a great option for those afflicted with what I call, “over-passionate syndrome.” More commonly known as premature ejaculation. When you only have three to twenty floors to get your business done, it’s the perfect cover-up.

Underwater

Some of the best places for underwater sex are jacuzzis, the ocean, and a pool if you have access to a private one. (Public pools are nasty.)

Jacuzzis are great because there are benches to use for all kinds of great positions. The jets offer extra blasts of pleasure, and heated water for added sensation. The open sea and pools provide plenty of buoyancy for you to play with fun positions. And maybe a little underwater asphyxiation. Be sure to use lube anytime you’re dealing with salt, sand, or chlorine.

A Hotel Balcony

Everyone has knocked boots between the sheets in a hotel room, there’s nothing special about that. In fact, if you’re tossing in the bed sheets, there’s a good chance you’ve rolled around in someone else’s juices. Avoid that nonsense by skipping the bed and going straight for the balcony. Bonus points if the balcony overlooks a point of interest or gathering place. Be heard but not seen; let loose those pleasure moans and sneak into the safe shadows of your balcony walls.

You can get as dirty as you want and someone else gets to clean up after you. But please, if you’re flinging scat around the veranda, do the kind thing and tip your cleaning staff.

On A Boat

I’m not suggesting you jump on P. Diddy’s yacht and join the first 31-gun salute. I’m thinking more of a canoe, drifter, rowboat, or paddle boat. A small vessel that fits two (or three) people in the throes of passion.

Paddle that baby onto a lake and get wet, being mindful not to capsize. Use the motion of the “ocean” to your advantage. Leverage the waves’ natural movements for deeper thrusting.

5 Worst Places to Have Sex

While you’re on your journey of exploration, you’ll inevitably come upon a few bad apples. I’d be remiss to guide you away from the places that will lead you down a path of misery. Some ideas seem great in theory but in practice only bring tears of sadness. Learn from the mistakes of others. Avoid these traps of sexual decay.

An Airplane Bathroom

I don’t care how clean that bathroom looks. No bucket list should include an item that has you crammed into a room fit for Smurfs. As fun as it sounds, trying to pretzel around your Restroom Romeo is nothing but awkward.

Joining the mile-high club comes with a good chance of making contact with feces, urine, or the bird flu. Besides, only 2–3% of people report doing the nasty in an airplane bathroom.

The Beach

Sex on the beach has its proper place; in your cocktail glass. But apart from a delightful aperitif, it’s a miserable experience. No matter how careful you are, sand will be making its way out of your crevices for weeks.

And, yeah, sex is all about friction. But you don’t want the friction that brings a thousand little cuts while you’re busy boinking.

Your Parents’ House

Some parents (or grandparents) are more liberal with their house rules than others. Regardless, doing the horizontal tango in your family home is just wrong. Knowing the woman who shoved you through her birth canal is 500 feet away should be enough to make you hesitate. If it doesn’t, I have the number of a great psychotherapist.

If you need to relive your days of youth by banging in your old stomping grounds, there’s always the treehouse.

The Shower

I don’t know how shower sex became so popular. I’m barely over five feet tall. Even I find myself trying to jockey the right pose so my slippery sea captain can angle it in. One wrong move is all it takes to send you flailing straight down, face-planting the faucet.

Shower sex injuries are real and severe. Just remember, when someone asks how you got that shiner, tell them the truth. You tripped and fell into that faucet.

Someone Else’s Bed

It’s bad enough that most of us feel like we have to carry a blacklight into hotel rooms. What kind of world would it be if we can’t trust people to respect our hospitality without soaking the sheets with their spooge? Some people have “guest” rooms, but we all know the caring of sharing has its limits.

It’s courteous to wait until you’ve left the nest before resuming regular romping activities. If tensions are high and you can’t help yourself, there’s the floor.

There you have it. Ten of the best places to have sex, and five places to avoid. Go out, have the time of your life, and up the sexual ante. As always, hump responsibly.