hey, just in case tomorrow never finds me i need to have something say goodbye for me. so here are the things inside and maybe they will make today easier, but more importantly i hope they give you hope for the future.
to start, i know through a decade so many things change; interests, personalities are forged through circumstances, friendships are built through life experience. through these years i am still crushing on you, the excitement still grabs me in the upper part of my abdomen. at the core of who i am, i adore you for everything you have…
i was told by a friend to preface this thing.. so here is your preface world, i tend to speak on things that i see happening in the world around me.. and to try and bring transparency to a world full of hidden faces. if any of these words are for you.. take your truth and do what you will.
i’ve taken a few minutes to make sure most of the emotion was filtered out, because God knows nothing cuts deeper than emotionally driven responses to life.
surface level i am about as dry as they come which is why…
We are a balance of passion, intellect, and humility. Driven by the first, molded by the second and united by the third.
We are each a part of a creative body and we collectively belong to an all-powerful force that we seek to know and learn from.
we are…
passionate
curious
humble
grounded
balanced
needed
in a myopic world we see things for what they are, but also what they can be. not bound by a finite construct but grounded in the limitation of what we can create, what we can dream.
When they were wiring me up all those years ago, they did a number on the rejection handler. Nothing makes me more anxious than rejection; it does something that starts in my mind spreads to my gut to the tips of my fingers. In these cases, my fight or flight instinct is a sprinkle of fight with a dose of flight. Maybe I’m throwing punches as I carry my self away.
I guess we all have our vices and this must be mine; I am actively searching for ways to squash this incapacitating feeling yet no amount of affirmations, verses…
“don’t let this moment go to waste; You don’t know when the feeling could happen again.” -dance gavin dance
How many moments, feelings, smiles, cries, and life have we let slip away? I had dinner with a friend a few nights ago, the first real “church” experience I have had in a while. With the new year, we knew it was time to catch up and “vow” to keep the communications going to feed accountability and transparency. The conversation ranged from work to family back to work to God and where He might be.
With the new year blowing past…
that’s why we started right, to have fun? to make things.
most people in a creative field started because IT IS FUN. there is nothing more enjoyable than creating something new, some thing someone might find useful.
my kids play with legos, all size legos the giant blocks to their most recent 900 piece set we dropped in their laps to cultivate a culture of creativity. our digital world sometimes strips creativity and imagination from them. i wanted them to have something tangible to create and build.
recently, i heard my son starting to get frustrated because his “bowser castle”…
not the restaurant.. but music.
it has a way of taking me places, changing my mood and forcing introspection. most of you who know me know that i love a good “emo” song or band. i will most likely always be that way. i love a good narrative in a song, probably because i can see the narrative of life. there is nothing like knowing that someone somehere has lived, endured, enjoyed the moment, moments, life i am living now.
recently.. my time travel has revealed a character flaw so deep and embedded i wonder how i will ever smooth it out. i am selfish…
You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. Gen 50:20
I have watched as life and it’s politics has repeated itself while i stood and criticized a world i felt no “real” compassion for. i stood ready to run as far as my legs would carry me to not hear his voice. calling me, pursuing me…
truth is all he ever wants is relationship from us… we build on relationship a knowledge that leads to a compassion for the things of…
who am i?
i am not sure i can answer the question with any type of certainty. i have traits that offer contextual clues to who i am. i am a husband, a father, a son, sometimes a designer, sometimes a developer, and always a human. a person with flaws that i continually seek to burn out.
i create, i destroy. i edify, i tear down. i grow, i digress.
i am fairly certain i am misunderstood 95% of the time. a serious soul with a dry sense of humor, nothing sounds like a joke from my mouth and a stern countenance will…
is this what i have been handing myself all these years?
shameful high-fives for distasteful indulgences.
watching myself sell myself for a bit of acceptance,
never seeing the other side of me screaming
full of conviction tearing the heart right out my chest.
all of my choices, the voices insisting i am wrong
where were you when i needed you to be strong
here’s to my disgrace an army of goodbyes
sent to pass on these shameful high-fives
@nicrodriquez
husband. father. creative with loud, loud noises ringing in my head.
