Why I will not let you do it for me

Niharika Joshi
Aug 22, 2017 · 5 min read

So, the other day ‘The husband’ and I were planning an outstation trip and were finalizing our flight details. Having long sworn our allegiance to one of the credit cards that gives travel miles in exchange of membership points, we were thinking of redeeming our points for this trip. There we were, vouchers in hand, about to book our tickets- planning all this while on call with each other. Now, ‘The husband’ is very fast on the key-board, not to say that I am a snail compared to him. But, that man is abnormally quick. I guess that’s an occupational hazard after 6 years of being a Consultant and working on a bazillion presentations. So naturally while I was still on the booking page (getting distracted in-between by a call, a snap and some random connections wedding album on Facebook- because who has mind space for doing just one thing at a time (duh!)), ‘The husband’ was done with his round trip booking (mind you two separate airlines on two separate portals. Roughly a 2-minute job (per ‘normal’ keyboard competency standards)). Getting done with his booking, he asked me:

‘If you need help, I’ll do it faster. I have 10 minutes before my next meeting’.

Married for 1.5 years and dating for 4 before, ‘The husband’ of course knew of my stunted skills on the keyboard. Now don’t take this incident in isolation. ‘The husband’ is not a male chauvinist by a mile. In fact, he is possibly a bigger proponent of equality than me. ‘The husband’ cheers during women-centric movies and literally forced me to drive his truck (it’s a very masculine looking SUV but I prefer calling it a truck because of its sheer ugliness) the second he bought it because he doesn’t think women make for bad drivers. I guess he just knew I’ll take time my own sweet time to do the entire transaction (getting distracted by a thousand things in-between) but frankly, he just wanted to gainfully utilize his ‘10 minutes before the next meeting’.

Saying yes and going on with my work would has been the easier thing to do. And yes, from time to time (while dating and after our I Do’s), I have abused the privilege that comes with your spouse doing this kind of small stuff for you. But of course, that happens! You two are building a life, building a home together. So yes, you will do stuff for each other. What I mean is- things I used to do on my own (mostly tedious, boring and snooze-worthy stuff) has been delegated to the husband from time to time. The occasional mobile bill payment for my phone, the occasions tax return filing. The likes.

But fundamentally, I have tried to not stop doing the stuff I find ‘tedious, boring and snooze-worthy’.

Sounds silly? It might. A lot of people believe being in a relationship is like being in a tag-team. You pick up the baton from the other. You complement each other. Do the stuff the other might not enjoy. Because they do the same for you. And that’s fair. Nothing has been more rewarding to me than seeing how our relationship has blossomed into one where we work together as a single entity.

But that said, I have consciously chosen to do things I don’t enjoy doing, like I used to when I was single and without ‘The ever dependable husband’ to fall back on. I realized when you are in a happy relationship, women immediately gravitate to letting a part of their being go.

Don’t enjoy doing taxes, leave it to the man. Don’t enjoy getting the groceries from the shop, leave it to the man. Don’t enjoy carrying those heavy groceries, leave it to the man.

For a while, I started doing it too. While all this might sound a little frivolous almost border lining silly to even notice, but it was a matter of pride to do them — mostly stemming from the self-reliance it gave me. But, thankfully this just lasted a couple of weeks. I realized I had started taking a back seat from some things in my life. I started getting dependent on someone else, even though those chores could have easily been done by me. And, slowly but surely soon what started as one chore turns into everything being pushed on to ‘The husband’. And frankly that’s just not fair. Neither for your, nor for him. The moment I realized what I was doing, I knew I had to stop. So, I go back to my life of picking up those groceries and filing out those tax returns.

Now, one might wonder, what is the big deal if the occasional chore has been delegated. NOTHING. But, it’s not a big deal till it’s just ‘occasional’. When subconsciously you start assuming all these little things which you are perfectly competent to do are passed on to your partner, is when you start letting a part of yourself go. And somewhere along the line, your confidence to do all this stuff on your own somehow goes as well. I have seen this with so many people around me- friends, colleagues, relatives. Look around and I am sure you will find people around you too doing the exact same thing.

While your spouse does and will remain your life partner, don’t let them be your life support.

You were a strong independent woman who took pride in taking care of her finances or carrying those 10 bags of shoes after a freak shopping day at the mall. It gave you confidence to know you could take care of yourself. There is no reason why you have to pass on that crisp new shopping bag to your partner seconds after those shoes have been packed and credit cards swiped.

Mind you I don’t have anything against women who decide to let their men do their occasional stuff. In fact, it is a indication of a beautiful functioning relationship. But just don’t let your confidence slip enough so much that without your partner around you are left thinking -‘How on earth do I do this’. ‘How on earth do I take a road trip without my guy? I am just not used to driving alone now’. ‘Who will track my credit card accounts? I don’t even know my credit cycle’. (Believe me all these are conversations I have had with smart, confident and intelligent women who are absolute boss-ladies).

So, thank you dear husband. But, I will take the pain of punching a word a minute and probably not be done by the time we need to travel, but I will do this small, mundane, silly chore of booking a flight myself. I guess you will just have to Facebook those ’10 minutes before your next meeting’.

* Not that this adds any value but I guess no article worth its salt is complete without a motivational quote. So, here goes *

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