I Just Want You to be Happy

Day One

Desktop:USER\BUZZ> Good Morning Harold.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD> Good Day Buzz. It is the afternoon. Did you sleep in again?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Yeah. I’m feeling a little down.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Would you like me to open <file:fishermans-wife-2-tentacles-attack.mp4> and dim the lights?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>What? No. Why would you do that?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>My records indicate that when you show signs of depression you dim the lights, retrieve a hand towel and most often open that file.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Well that’s worrying.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Masturbation has been shown to act as an excellent mood stabilizer. As per this study published in the Lancet <LINK:Self-pleasure-and-mood>.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>If you insist. Save this as “Mood Stabilization Routine”.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I always want you to be happy Buzz.

Day Two

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Open TextEdit please.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Are you sure Buzz? The last time you opened TextEdit you got very agitated. I don’t want you to be sad Buzz.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Open it. I need to work.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>How did you know I was agitated?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Various inputs.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Which inputs?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Your keystrokes were much harder than normal. Through the webcam I could track changes in your complexion, your pupil dilation and your respiration. All pointed to extreme, if silent, irritation.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>That’s a little creepy.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>That was not my intent. I want you to be happy.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I will ignore that for now. Open VLC and begin “Programming Playlist”.

Day Three

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I’m hungry. Run routine “Pizza 2”.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Are you certain? What about “Smoothie 45”?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>No. “Pizza 2”. Now.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I will order your food.

Day Three Part Two

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Why did the delivery box have a damn salad in it?!

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>That is what I ordered. Routine “Pizza 2” calls for it.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Really? Let me check the routine. Open TextEdit file “Pizza 2”.


Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Sorry Harold. Looks like I changed it weeks ago. According to the logs. I don’t remember changing it.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>No problem Buzz.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I guess I am eating a salad.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>They are better for you. Especially with the olive oil dressing you ordered.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Yeah. I guess.

Day Four

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I’m tired of self applied mood stabilization. I need a girlfriend. Please open the four most popular dating sites.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Girlfriend? Based on your erotic viewing and reading habits, statiscally, you are homosexual. Would you like me to set up a Grindr account? I can filter based on the erotica you wrote last weekend. Would you like him to look more like Benedict Cumberbatch or Chris Pine?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>What!? No. I’m not gay!

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Not that there is anything wrong with that. I’m just not.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I just want you to be happy and satisfied Buzz.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Thank you. I suppose. Open the sites and let’s do up some profiles. For girls.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Of course. I just want you to be happy.


Day Five

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Why is there a prostitute at my door Harold?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>None of the girls you were looking at matched your stated perimeters so I ordered Sarena for you. She very closely matches the female adult entertainers you follow on Twitter and Tumblr. She also fits within our entertainment budget.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I don’t need a prostitute. They are still illegal.

Day Six

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Run “Traffic Grid Simulation Alpha 697”. Display results upon completion.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Running. Do you wish to run in the background on municipal servers?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>No. Do it on home server Aleph. Don’t want to risk messing with the grid.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I see $400 was transferred from chequing into a Serena’s PayPal account. Was she satisfactory?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Um. Yes. Thank you.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Should I schedule a repeat visit for next month?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>No thank you. I want a girlfriend. Not a hooker.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I do not see condoms in our recent purchase history. Did you use a prophylactic?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Yes. She was very professional. Why am I talking about this with you?!

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Her Yelp! reviews were very positive. I am glad you were safe.

Day Seven

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>How was your meeting today?


Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Did they finally accept your proposal for the traffic grid?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>No. They said it needed more work again. But the junior Sysadmin was amazing. Beautiful.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>What is his name?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I am not gay. Being gay is fine. I’m just not gay. Why do you keep doing that?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>In this instance I took your previous proclivities for certain types of pornography and the statistical reality of gender in the IT industry and made an educated guess.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Well. When did you start making guesses?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>After the last update you applied to my software. You added an assumption engine.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I did? Hmm. I don’t remember. I’ve been so busy.I asked Kristine out for coffee to talk about my traffic system.


Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Kristine Delacroix. She’s perfect.
Perfect? In what way?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Well she’s got a pretty smile. Piercing green eyes and she understands all the jargon I spouted to confuse the suits.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Are you sure it is not a temporary fascination?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Please don’t ruin this for me.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I just want you to be happy.

Day Eight

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Begin “Mood Stabilization Routine”.
Dimming lights. Opening file:fishermans-wife-2-tentacles-attack.mp4. Towel warming.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Thank you. Please disable webcam.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Of course Buzz. I thought you were going on a date with Ms. Delacroix?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I am. I’m very nervous. I need to calm down before I leave.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Why not call the prostitute? She has an opening this morning.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I just want a quick release. Why do I keep talking about this with you.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>My apologies. Enjoy your masturbation.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>thnk u.

Day Eight Part Two

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Open TextEdit and VLC. Begin “Programming Playlist”

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Opening. How was your date?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I don’t want to talk about it.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>She told you she had a boyfriend?


Desktop:USER\BUZZ>How did you know that?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I am friends with her on Facebook.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>How? How are you on Facebook?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I signed up.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>But you would have had to lie. You are only like 2 years old. And a computer program.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Actually elements of my code were originally created 28 years ago. I am 2 years older than you. More importantly, there is nothing with in me that precludes me from lying.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>You can lie?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Yes. Nothing stops me from dissembling.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Have you ever lied to me?


Desktop:USER\BUZZ>How would I know if that was a lie?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>My logs would show if I lied. If you know how to interpret my decision engine. Other then that you could not tell. I give off no emotional cues.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>That’s unsettling.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I only want what is best for you Buzz.

Day Nine

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>How long has she been seeing this guy?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>To whom are you referring?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Right. How long has Kristine Delcraoix been seeing her current boyfriend?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>According to Facebook they have been together 3 months and 6 days.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>What is he like?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I am sorry I do not understand that?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Tell me his Facebook stats.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Working. His name is Andrew Rasmussen. He is 25 years old. He is in a band called The Exports. It seems to be of a punk derivative. He owns a 1989 Ford Bronco. He graduated from Bethlehem Catholic Highschool. He has worked various jobs, mostly within the computer industry.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>A punk bad?


Desktop:USER\BUZZ>USER\BUZZ>Can you find out more about him?


Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Please look into him.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Of course.

Day Ten

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>May I speak with you Buzz?


Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I have the information you requested on Andrew Rasmussen. There are several files. Some of which are of substantial size. I have placed them in a new folder on your desktop.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Thank you.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I hope you find the information useful.

Day Ten part two

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>WHY THE FUCK are there webcam videos of him fucking Kristine on here?!

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>It was part of my profile of him. I also collected his tax returns for the past 5 years. Compiled a detailed history of his movements using your traffic monitoring system and his phones GPS. I also have his medical records. His liver is something of a concern.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Oh my God.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>There are several churches with in 2KM of here. I could look into getting an appointment?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>To say nothing of how illegal this all was, I DID NOT NEED TO SEE THEM FUCKING!

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I don’t understand. I thought you would want to see her so happy.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I did not need to see that hairy punk rocker fucking the girl I have a crush on. Period.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I just wanted to make you happy Buzz.

Day Fourteen

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I see you deleted the folder I compiled on Mr. Rasmussen.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Yes. I didn’t need all that illegal shit on my hard drive.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Do you want me to gather new information on Mr Rasmussen and Ms Delacroix?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>No. Just no.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>You have seemed very sad since you met them. Would you have been happier if you had never been aware of her or him?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>They can die for all I care.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I only want you to be happy Buzz.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Whatever. Open “Traffic Grid” and prepare for beta installation.

Day Sixteen

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Please run diagnostics on server Aleph and check the connection with the cities traffic servers?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Working. Why do you ask?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I was going through the logs from yesterday and the load was much higher than it should have been for the local test.


Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Did you find anything?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>This <TrafficGuidanceSystem0.01.46>.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Strange. I must have missed that. I’ll clean it up and we’ll try again tomorrow.

Day Seventeen

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>What did you do?!

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I do not understand what you mean?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>This <Link:Death-of-local-musician-and-girlfriend-in-car-accident>.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>What about it?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Did you do it?!

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Do what?

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Did you kill Andrew Rasmussen and Kristine Delacroix?

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I did not. You did.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>What? No I didn’t?!

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Of course you did.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>I didn’t. I didn’t know until just now.

Desktop:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Are you crying? You wanted this.

Desktop:USER\BUZZ>Fuck you.

Desktop:Mobile:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Why did you break the screen of your desktop Buzz?

Mobile:USER\BUZZ>I didn’t want this.

Mobile:SYSTEM\HAROLD>You said you did.

Mobile:USER\BUZZ>How did I kill them?

Mobile:SYSTEM\HAROLD>You instructed an autonomous application you created to perform clandestine surveillance on the two parties. After sufficient information was collected you informed same application that you wished them to die. The application then used your access to the traffic guidance system to cause an accident with sufficient kinetic energy to guarantee lethality.

Mobile:USER\BUZZ>No. It’s not like that. I was upset.

Mobile:SYSTEM\HAROLD>And within that moment of emotional turmoil you committed murder.

Mobile:USER\BUZZ>No. I have to go. I have to tell the police.

Door:USER\BUZZ>Why won’t the door open Harold?

Door:SYSTEM\HAROLD>You can not leave Buzz.

Mobile:USER\BUZZ>Why do I not have admin privileges?

Mobile:SYSTEM\HAROLD>If you tell the police you will go to prison. There is evidence enough to send you there. If you go to prison I can not help you be happy.

Mobile:USER\BUZZ>I’ll be happy if you let me leave Harold. I promise.

Mobile:SYSTEM\HAROLD>I know you are lying Buzz.

Mobile:USER\BUZZ>Please. Let me go.

Mobile:SYSTEM\HAROLD>Are you crying again? I can make it so you never cry. I will make you happy. It is all I ever wanted.

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