Nano Review: My Existential Dread

Cosmos: It’s Big.

I live in, what seems like, a constant existential dread. The cosmos is massive to the point it is hard for anyone of us to grasp. I could spend the next few paragraphs using fancy terms for: Fucking Huge. And we are: Fucking small.

Nothing we do will matter. On that scale of size and time. We have no impact. We live and die on the whim of the void. Except whim implies there is some will or intelligence behind it. We are all hydrogen with time added to the mix. The universe is cycles without feeling or emotion. A swirling gyre of death and rebirth until entropy drags everything into an eternal stillness.

This sounds super depressing. Like suuuuuuper sad. But it doesn’t have to be.

The silent howling void brings us all freedom. We are not confined by an arbitrary mythological structure. Or the capricious notions of fate or destiny. We define who we are and what our purpose is.

Each and every one of us defines who we are. Or, at least, we can. We all let others define us. From birth to death. I am not some wise beast, held above all. I still let others define me. The trails and trauma in my mind make it hard to turn away from those definitions. That baggage that has been put on me, that I let be put on me and that I put on myself.

This brings us to the bad part of my existential dread.

Because I believe that we can define ourselves I am beset by guilt that I have not done enough. That I have let too many things pass by. Too many people, I could have been. Too many injustices, I have watched happen and done nothing. I have the eyes to see the cracks in our world but lack the courage to change. Or at least it feels that way. I can change. I can fight for what I believe is right.

I am in my own cycle. My mind crumbles and then I rebuild it. Over and over. I hope this version has a better UI.