Don’t call me, maybe?

You’re probably reading this on your smartphone or in its vicinity. Smartphones have become our generation’s greatest boon and bane. We love to hate them and begrudgingly love them. They’re the first things we hold in our hands after we wake up — this may just be true of teenagers too today. My generation on the other hand …let’s not go there.

I am no one to dictate how to use your smartphone. The only time I have a say is when you’re using that device to get in touch with me. Instead of explaining why I feel this way, I thought I’d set some ground rules. If you landed on this post because one of my readers or I linked you to it, please know that I am not angry with you. I (we?) simply wish to set the right expectations so that we can have a fulfilling relationship going forward.

I’ll mention different ways of getting in touch I use and the scenarios during which I use them. I’ll also explain my expected response time. I only ask for reciprocation. If you don’t see a method or platform you’d like to see on this list, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll edit the post if I feel the need to do so. Inner circle folks are exempt from all of these, of course. If you have to ask if you’re in the inner circle, you’re not. Again, these are mere suggestions and if this causes you to choose to refrain from using any of these methods, be my guest (or don’t. Haha!)

1. LinkedIn Message — If you have spammed me there or if I have no idea who you are and am unable to stalk you on literally any other platform. People I have not met in person get blocked if they message me multiple times here first. If I message you here, I do not expect an immediate response. I may judge you if you respond too quickly.
2. Instagram Message — If you are a weirdo who has messaged me via IG first. People I have not met in person get blocked if they message me here first. Responses to Instagram Stories do turn into messages. However, I’d like to think I only respond to stories by people I’ve known for a while. I genuinely do not care if you do not respond to the message here. If you feel the pressure to just hit the little heart icon, I completely understand and respect you for that.
3. Snapchat — I only initiate “fun” conversations here. My snaps to people are usually inside jokes or responses to their stories. I don’t keep track of responses here. Totally cool with no responses unless you’re a hot person I have a crush on or something. If you’re one of those people and don’t respond to me ASAP, people around me start wondering why I’m not getting out of the loo.
4. Facebook messenger or Twitter DM — I use FB messenger to initiate conversations when I don’t have someone’s number or if I am doing a double opt-in introduction. A double opt-in introduction is one where: I ask both A & B separately if it is ok to introduce them to each other and only once they both agree will I create an FB messenger group. I do not expect a response right after I send the message. If it is an important message, I may check once in a while to see if they’ve read the message. There will be no “Hey, did you get a chance to check out my message.” from me. Take your time. If there is urgency, it is upon me to find out where you live. I kid. I already know. The same rules apply for Twitter DM.
5. Google Allo and Slack — I will only ping you here if I already know you very well and am aware of the fact that you too are a tech hipster of sorts. Responses are not expected. I only talk to the assistant or a bot anyway and they reply all the time.
6. Telegram — This is for most of the inner circle. My mom also uses Telegram. This used to be like Allo. If I message you here, I only expect a response if you’re related by blood or are part of my inner circle. The others don’t get pinged here anymore. This used to be like Allo ages ago. If I do ping you on Telegram and you’re not one of the dozen and a half or so people I speak to on a daily basis, I am sorry. I also do not expect a response.
7. Hangouts, Skype and iMessage — Only used to contact people I am very familiar with. This is usually done just to check if the person on the other side is online and ready for a pre-scheduled video call. I never initiate video calls unless they’re pre-scheduled.
8. WhasApp — I reserve this medium almost entirely for work-related conversations that do not involve my team: customers, vendors etc. There are also a few groups I am a part of. If I send a message via WhatsApp, it is not urgent at all. I am also judging you for not using Telegram already. Same rules as Facebook messenger apply.
9. Normal text — This actually costs money. I only use this contact my father or people I need responses from fairly urgently. If you get an SMS from me, it is important. You need to respond as soon as you get a chance to do so. I will not send an SMS just to engage in small talk. It is not 2006 anymore. Just to be clear, this means you should refrain from sending me an SMS unless it is urgent. One possible scenario is if either your internet or mine is dead. WhatsApp rules apply in that case.
10. Facebook wall post or a tweet — I will use these to get your attention or the attention of those who follow you. This is only if I am in a mood to troll and we are close enough to engage in friendly banter. I will not post anything on your FB wall that I know you wouldn’t want your family members to read. These are used sparingly and there is neither an urgency or need to respond to them. I may tweet out “Check DM” if there is a joke I am particularly proud of waiting in your DM inbox, but you are in no way obliged to respond to that either.
11. Snail mail — I will not send these out unless I love you a lot. Please respond if you get these from me.
12. Email — I love emails. I send emails to all kinds of people. I send them to sell stuff. I send them to potential investors or partners. I send cold emails to strangers. I send long emails to friends and family. Emails require no urgent responses. The only emails that require responses are RSVP requests and Calendar invites. I totally understand if you do not respond to my mails. This is my favourite form of communication. No strings attached. Follow-up requests within a decent limit are permissible and not frowned upon. If the matter is not really time-sensitive, I use email.
13. Phone call — I will not call you up unless the matter I have to speak to you about is absolutely time-sensitive. If you are part of the inner circle I may call you up every time I have an existential crisis or a great idea, but that is the price you pay for being in my inner circle. Ask my co-founders. They know. I will never call up anyone without checking if they are free for a call first. I will certainly not call up anyone post 8 PM their time unless I have a damn good reason to. If the matter can wait, it will be conveyed via some sort of text. If I have to convey something I feel will be helpful to you, I may be tempted to call you up and convey the message right away. I always attempt to show maturity and restraint though. I do not assume that you have nothing better to do than talk to me despite knowing that I have a beautiful voice. If I do call you up, I expect you to pick up the phone or call back at the earliest though. That’s only because I wouldn’t call you if it weren’t important.
14. Showing up at your doorstep — I will only show up at your house or office unannounced if we share a house or office respectively. For everyone else, I will take an appointment and drop by only once we can settle on an agreeable time for both of us.

Thank you for reading this. I am sure there are several flaws in my approach. I am also sure that this approach is better than the approach of several annoying people you know of. If you think them reading this post will help improve the quality of your life, do share the post and maybe they’ll read it and stop calling you up while you’re having dinner just to check if you can introduce them to some other acquaintance.