Mental Health is Mental Strength
by Leo Marin, co-founder of The Leadership Supply Company
It hit me like a wave the first night, and for many nights after. The overwhelming grief and uncontrollable crying that came with it was too much to keep inside. I muffled my cries in my pillow so as to not wake up my All-American football player roommate, who would likely think I was weak. That was my first seven days at the Military Academy at West Point. My dad, a former Colombian military soldier, had quickly passed away from pancreatic cancer just three months before. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. It was the most difficult period of my life — more than a combat deployment to Iraq and Army Ranger School. I felt like quitting every day, yearning for the comfort of my mom and sister while feeling guilty for leaving them. As a Latino man, I felt beholden to the cultural norm of “stepping up” and filling my dad’s void to help the family. I didn’t realize it at the time but going to West Point was the best way to provide that support.
This was my first lesson in seeking help for my mental angst. I was able to get through the eight week basic training also known as “Beast” but was running on fumes until I accepted that I needed to see a psychologist. It was a leap because I had learned to never ask for help. I grew up seeing my parents humbly work backbreaking jobs without complaint after settling into a different country to start over. Somehow, they still managed to express gratitude and joy. I thought I would be seen as frail if I spoke to someone about my struggle, however, it was seeking that help in my first year that changed how I approached the remaining three. These days, I’m able to feel gratitude for the lesson my dad left behind. Having experienced that intense grief early on allowed me to relate with others — and feel empathy for people that experienced the same. I was able to teach younger cadets who had experienced loss to find meaning in their suffering as they processed their grief.
It’s something that I tell the leaders I work with today — to leverage their personal journey to influence how they lead. It should mean something to work for them. Successfully relating a story at the right time is a way to do that.
Years later, when I was a young officer in the Army, whether by coincidence or by fate, I was placed in charge of a platoon of soldiers who had recently lost two of their own. I was not the tallest, strongest, fastest, or had the charisma of their previous leader — but I understood what mourning was and could relate to the feeling of losing someone. It allowed me to understand their behavior, and more importantly, find ways to connect with them. This has been my biggest leadership lesson to date — something that four years at West Point and any leadership book couldn’t teach me. It’s something that I tell the leaders I work with today — to leverage their personal journey to influence how they lead. It should mean something to work for them. Successfully relating a story at the right time is a way to do that.
It’s still the case in workplaces today that we subvert our emotions in order to maintain the notion of “professionalism.” We learn this behavior from childhood, when parents frantically try to calm toddlers in order not to “cause a scene” in public or disturb others. Ever been so angry at work but had to roll it off until you got home to feel your feelings? Or experience emotions akin to grief when a dear team member was laid off but couldn’t show it because “there was still important work to be done?” The outsized impact of these suppressed emotions include behaviors that are counterproductive and ultimately hurt the bottom line by way of productivity loss, lower employee engagement, and burn out.
Mentally healthy teams are strong teams. One of the necessary leadership competencies for the workplace is the ability to monitor team members’ mental health. It sounds easy enough, however, our performative work climates prevent us from demonstrating any struggle — add to that the difficulties of perceiving social cues virtually. For leaders, be the person your people seek support from, and know where to go if their issues are beyond your expertise. That’s the minimum requirement. It’s still possible to maintain high standards of performance and be a supportive leader. We’ve somehow placed mental health and high performance at opposite ends of a made up spectrum when in fact, they’re synonymous.
Let’s all do our part to break the stigmas and discrimination around mental health. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, take action to seek help or treatment. Here are some helpful resources:
- National Institute for Mental Health
- 988lifeline.org
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
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