Staying in Abusive Relationships
‘Why don’t they just leave?’
If you have witnessed someone you know in an abusive relationship, and you yourself haven’t ever been in one, you would probably wonder: why the hell does he/she stay in that relationship? Can’t he/she just leave? This is quite understandable as running away from torture and pain should be the normal and sane thing to do — right? Why would anyone be ok with receiving pain willingly? Well, breaking apart a relationship is more complicated than it may seem.
There are many reasons why a victim of abuse holds on to a relationship. While going through these reasons it’s important to remember that we should condemn the abuser and not the abused. It is never the victim’s fault. It’s not about the victim choosing to stay, it’s about how the abuser thinks it’s permissible/ok and chooses to abuse.
One of the common reasons why a victim chooses to stay is his/her economic dependence on the loved one. For example, an abused unemployed mom may stay in the relationship as she might be thinking about the welfare of her children and herself — without her abusive spouse, ‘how will they survive?’ Some victims that are regularly abused by their spouses stay because they believe that it’s healthier for their kids to be in a ‘united’ family rather than a broken household. Another reason why victims stay is religion. Many religions condemn divorce, and so, to avoid persecution by the religious institution, they stay in the abusive marriage. In the LGBT community, many stay because of the fear of being outed.
Abuse can occur in all types of relationships. When you converse with a victim of abuse you will find that he/she stays most often due to the most obvious reason: love. They love the abuser. Don’t get me wrong, they do not love the abuse. They love the person the abuser is when they do not abuse, and believe that that person will change. They hold on to the relationship hoping that they will stop the abuse someday. The emotion and mental aspects of abuse are very complex.
Most victims in an abusive relationship, have described their abusers as ‘highly dependable’ people. Abusers treat the victim with love and shower them with gifts and affection. Then suddenly due to some reason or the other the abuser gets aggressive and lashes out to the victim in the form of physical, verbal, emotional and/or sexual abuse. What comes after is why many abused stay in the relationship. The abuser shows his guilt and says sorry. He/she may cry, look guilty, say he/she will change, that he/she never wanted to hurt you and all he/she wants to do is see you happy all the time. This may be followed by acts of immense love and a sort of ‘honeymoon phase’ where for some time the relationship will feel love-filled.That is, until another event of abuse.
It’s because of the love and reliability that the abuser offers during the time he/she is not abusive, that the victim stays and holds on to with false hope. The abuse never stops and in almost all cases, it worsens. But it affects the victim to such an extent that in some cases, the victim becomes habituated to thinking its normal and alright, and that every relationship has at least a bit of abuse. The victim may even defend the abuser by reasoning his/her actions and saying things like he/she was not a good mood due to some bad event or the other. They may even blame themselves and feel guilty for ‘provoking’ the abuser. In many cases, the abuser themselves convince them of these things.
Most abusers manipulate the emotions, insecurities, isolation of the victims (after isolating them from their friends and/or family) and dependency on them — making them feel further dependent and ‘deserving’ of the abuse. They make them feel like they are crazy to think that they may be abused. Many of the victims have low self-esteem and often feel like they are not worthy of a better relationship. Many of them who try to leave are stopped by the abuser via threats — threats made by the abuser that entail hurting the victim or him/herself or even other loved ones (like children or pets) that the victim has.
Many other victims stay quiet about their abuse and do not leave, as they feel embarrassed about the fact that they are being abused, scared that the abuser will come after them and scared that no one will believe them (especially if the abuser is popular). Many may not have had proper role models to show them how a healthy relationship is supposed to be (having witnessed abuse among their parents) and may also believe that it’s the best relationship they have and can ever have. They cling to the positive traits of their abusive loved ones. Abuse causes a lot of psychological impairments like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and dissociation. Even children who have seen one of their parents suffer abuse are psychologically affected.
Most victims don’t realize that the abuse only stops when they get out of the relationship or when they get abused to death (happened like in the case of Kelly Ann Bates — which may seem extreme but is entirely plausible). What’s worse still is when other people ignore or downplay what is happening to the victim when he/she opens up to them. It maybe because they themselves feel uncomfortable upon hearing such a thing, but doing such a thing is detrimental as it could lead to the blaming of the victim and also to the victim feeling helpless, guilty, self-dubious and even more dependent on the abuser. It’s important to take the victim seriously and not shame the victim for being abused or staying in the relationship after. It’s important to remember that the abuser is the one to hold accountable, especially because in many cases the victims themselves forget this fact.
Having stronger laws and repercussions is not going to solve a problem like domestic violence and abuse (whichever form it might be). The only way we can deal with it is by educating people about the psychology behind abuse and what actually happens in an abusive relationship. Abuse isn’t sudden, it happens slowly, gradually, many times calculatedly and strategically — in such a way that an individual doesn’t realize it or react even when an obvious form of it happens. Some only do when it’s too late. Abuse doesn’t happen because the victim simply ‘chose’ to stay or because he/she ‘likes’ the abuse. The sooner we as a society absorb this fact, the sooner we can all take the correct steps to tackle abuse.
