Scraps of Life-Pt.2

As if embarassing myself the first time wasn’t enough, here I am with more anecdotes to share from my comedic life.

I got big butt and I cannot lie.

I have a huge derriere or in crass terms, “Baby got back!” and I have been made aware of this fact by every single person there is. No I don’t work out and no, I do not have implants. No I don’t like twerking and no I don’t have Nicki Minaj inspirational posters to get me through the day. And lastly, no I do not plan to give Kim Kardashian a run for her money. Many people tell me to be proud of it but whenever I wear skinny jeans it’s like I unleash a fury and everyone’s behind me. Literally. I don’t know how JLo or Kim K walk unaffected by the attention but I need some serious intervention. I’m just saying it ASS it is.

Heels are a conspiracy theory.

Women do a lot of stupid shit to look pretty and I’m one of them. I’m a simple girl. I see pretty heels and I buy! Add the fact that I have really tiny feet (size 1), I embrace heels whenever I see them. But is it just me or can common girls really walk in heels? I mean we can wear them for the pictures but can you actually walk in those torture tools? I mean one day someone woke up and thought: you know what would make women more attractive? A back-spraining, foot bleeding, balance testing torture tool! Let’s call them ‘heels’ because what is creativity anyway? But maybe, they were used as an ancient weapon. Someone out there to kill you? Just take those heels off and puncture their eye sockets. Men, be warned. Or maybe there is an International Cartel for heel suppliers who are slowly and steadily distributing their ammunition right under our pretty Jimmy Choo smelling noses. World, be warned. Next thing you know “Oh look, a flying stiletto. What harm could that do?” WHAM!

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