What do you say? Love, light, and free introductory course with purchase? — Hi there, farmers’ market shopper! Feeling sluggish today? Come alive with a $14 superfood cupcake! It’ll change your life just like it changed mine. For example, if I don’t sell all of my cupcakes — and recruit a new distributor — I won’t make rent because cupcake sales and team…

I solemnly swear to try to block out how loudly you chew. — It is with sincere ambivalence that I re-pledge my love and commitment to you today, four contiguous years after we first said: “I do.” You’re my best friend, confidant, and person who takes out the trash only if I ask. Together we have created a family of four, and remember…

When you told my two older children to “hop in the rumble seats outside the roll cage,” I almost lost consciousness. — Chet, was it? Hi, Chet. When my three children and I saw your misleading billboard — “Family Fun: Ziplining Adventure 5 Miles Ahead!” — we were strapped into seat belts inside a Chevrolet with air bags, going just under the speed limit on solid, ground-level ground. …

I will have out-of-sync audio and look like a dubbed actor in a Kung Fu movie. — I’ll forget what I was going to say. I’ll forget what I was going to say and everyone will be annoyed and roll their eyes and mouth “COME ON, YO.” I will start speaking just as my Wi-Fi cuts out and the picture of my face will be frozen with…

What is the total number of hyphens that would be in your name if you added one every time someone asked why you didn’t hyphenate? — Name the street where you grew up with parents who modeled independence. Which childhood friend uses your husband’s last name to address holiday cards to you because she “values family unity?” On the bathrobe you received as a wedding gift from your Aunt Barbara — who makes you and your…

You need me to hold my skin how? — Hey! Hi. You don’t remember me? Well, it’s been a little while since my last wax. Yes, it has been over a year. Okay, two. That’s not normal? No, no, I didn’t know that most people come every 4–6 weeks, depending on their budget and how much they like hot…

Pat her head and tell her it’s totally OK to be hormonal. — If You Are Her Partner Be casual. Ignore how she’s deep lunging around the coffee table and crying louder than the baby. Ask how her day went. When she stares back at you in Tuesday’s pajamas, say “Nevermind, jeez.” Crack open a cold one and plop down on the couch. …

I have a feeling today is the day — 6:00: Wake up when the refrigerator door opens. Light! It’s been fourteen days since The Woman spotted me in the produce section and said, as she lifted and turned me in her hand, “Hmm, maybe.” The cart ride to checkout was even better than I imagined! I was weighed! …