A Funeral For Love
How do you know when you’ve made a mistake? Is it the guilt? Or maybe just an emptiness inside of you that you’ve never felt before? How do you cope with heartbreak? For some it’s being around friends and family, people who support you and do their best to make you feel wanted and happy. For others, that heartbreak could have been everything to them. Their whole world, crashing down in a mere moment. For me, it was ten years. Ten years of gut wrenching pain, anxiety, depression, betrayal, and heartbreak. It took ten years for me to see that this person wasn’t good for me, that all they did was cause me pain, and that we would never be anything. To this day, it still hurts to think about, because I wished we could have been something more than what the world wanted us to be. I felt like we were doomed from the start. That growing up together only meant we would fall apart in the long run. We tried to stay close, even as friends; unfortunately nothing could keep us from eventually separating and never again speaking to one another.
We went to school together, and I met him through friends. I knew from the moment I saw him that he was everything I had ever wanted. Well, as much as you could want at the age of thirteen. He was so vibrant, his personality lit up the entire room, and his smile… It was everything to me. I could have spent every day with him, we never tired of each other’s company. We stayed together for a very long time, until life started to take it’s toll on us and we began to drift apart. We started seeing other people, and hurt one another more than we should have. But we were just stupid kids, we didn’t know any better at the time. Unfortunately, that’s how it happens. You learn how to not be a kid anymore with someone, and you move on to being an adult with someone else. The person you were a stupid kid with only knows you as the stupid kid. That’s what you are in their eyes, and that’s what they are in yours. Sometimes they can’t see the new you, the grown up you. The you that you worked so hard to be. All they see is the child.
We tried to date again, but it wasn’t the same. We didn’t trust each other anymore, we had hurt one another too many times. We were mean, we did horrible things to each other out of spite. We were each other’s awful lab mice. I’m not sure what will happen to me or to him if I do this, but I’m going to anyway because that’s what I want to do. It was the same over and over again, no matter how we tried to change, no matter what rules or pedestals we tried to implement into our relationship. We spent ten years being each other’s worst enemies. Thinking we could change each other, thinking we could keep passion alive and that it was all that we needed to stay together. It obviously didn’t end well for us.
One night we pushed each other past the point of no return, and said things that we couldn’t take back. Things that we meant, and had always meant, but wished that there had been better words… More words. Something other than heartbreaking words and then just silence. We could never look at each other the same after that and went our separate ways. I hear he’s with a girl now, and that they’re very happy together. I’m with a guy that I’m very much in love with and cherish deeply. I wouldn’t be able to love him the way that I do if it weren’t for the boy that I knew… The stupid kid that I met in high school.
If you ever read this, I want you to know that I loved you and still do. For everything you were, and for everything you were trying to be. For everything that I couldn’t see, for everything that I tried to break inside of you. For all of the fights, for all of the sadness. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed you, and thank you for walking away. We can’t be friends, and we will probably never speak again, but know that you will always be a part of me, a part of everything that I do.
It’s hard to admit that this is the end, but I’m proud of myself for finally letting you go.
