A Resolution to be Honest
It’s a rudimentary conclusion to come to, but the truth will set you free. And of that I’m 110% sure. In 2015, a lot happened. The colossal amount of new experience was amazing. It was also terrifying.
Social anxieties have always been a part of my life. Ever since I was a kid, I liked to weave these outrageous scenes of secrets lives and adventurous shenanigans. In some twisted way, the tall tales, even the ones transparent enough to see through, made me feel like I fit in. There’s a point in everyone’s life where they decide that they’re actually an interesting and wonderful human being, and it’s taken me a while to get to that point.
One of my biggest faults, or sins, or vices, or whatever you want to call it, has simply been lying. I’m not sure if this is more of an apology or a confession, but I do want to apologize for giving a false impression of myself into the world. I wanted to lay on the table all my misgivings, if not for any comfort but my own.
So without further ado, let me set all records straight:
- I’ve never done hardcore drugs. That’s just not a thing. There was never really a point in my life where I even wanted try them. My dad is a drug chemist, and I remember my dad giving me several intense conversations about just how some drugs are made, and it turned me from ever taking part in those activities. I have tried weed a couple times; both resulted in me crying in a corner. And that’s the end of my drug experimentation. I get the hype, but it’s not my thing.
- I don’t have a butt tattoo. I’ve never gotten so intoxicated that I wanted a star on my butt. I joked about the idea with someone I was seeing over the summer, but that’s all it was. A joke.
I do have a real tattoo though, on my ribcage, that I thought on for about 4 years before getting. And it’s meaningful beyond words. And I love it completely because it’s a part of me. I don’t brag about it, because I don’t need to. It’s always been a thought in my head, and now it’s a thought on my body.
- I probably don’t eat enough. If you’ve asked me what I’ve eaten that day, I’ll either get defensive or give you a pre-prepped list. After loosing a bunch of weight, food is a weird subject that I really hate talking about.
- Mental health and clarity is still something I’m working on. I had about three significant and public panic attacks in 2015. It’s been one of my worst years. The anxieties are something I’ve worked through on my own, by choice. But it’s not fixed. Being surrounded by unjudging, supportive people has helped a lot though.
While I’ve said things to fit in, I’ve never lied about my opinions or values. What I act like on a regular basis — the Nikki that makes weird noises, and has an American flag onsie, and listens to Kayne West but also Frank Sinatra (sometimes on the same playlist), and puts weird sketches on Instagram — is really, truly me. Like I said before, it’s been a process to get myself to a point where I can really appreciate me for all my flaws and shortcomings. This article is just an extension of that realization.