Assassinating Animals

Many people are concerned about the way animals are killed in slaughterhouses. And I’m with them on that. We would never subject humans to such inhumane methods of killing. That’s why I propose bringing their standards to ours, and introducing to factory farms: the electric chair. Hell, maybe even the firing squad. Now, you might argue, that sounds a lot more expensive than an old fashioned hit to the jugular. But come on people. Cost should be no factor when it comes to preserving the dignity of socially accepted killing. But more to the point, I think there’s a commercializable diet fad in here. Just like we have free-range and cage-free, I am working on what might be the hottest drumstick label in town: quickly-assassinated. I can see it in Whole Foods now: a twenty-nine dollar pack of hamburger patties with a photo of the actual cow you’ll be eating strapped into an electric chair, wires affixed to her udders, sporting a reluctant grin for the camera, being force-fed the last meal of her choice. In this particular cow’s instance: handpicked-grass.