I Woke Up Because God Said No

I don’t know Him that well. I’ve tried but our relationship is bordered by a closed hole that reopens when I’m screwed.

Like now.

When my senses are awakened by the impossibilities that harken my doubts.

To a standstill.

I reach for Him in the tempo of my rushing soul, as I shut my eyes in anticipation for what comes next.

I greet the mornings with a pipe and a stash and still the hymns of my childhood play in the background.

I end the night alone with the shape of the bottle embedded in my hand

and still the Lord’s Prayer chimes in my view.

I spend the day shifting words around and gazing at the lives of past winners and future losers

And wonder where I will soar thousands of years from now.

Each passing day, I beg for mercy and demand to love Him enough.

Just enough for Him to say yes.

Today was the day, but when I woke up

He said no.