Grief : A natural response to the loss of someone or something very dear to us.

I have always been very aware of any kind of loss in my life. I attribute this,possibly, to the fact that I’m passively looking for it. I expect it. I declare loss before it even happens. I tell people they’ll leave before they even show signs of leaving. I hold my breath till good things happen to their fullness, because even in that last second, I think something could go wrong. And they do go wrong.

I have grieved these losses, mostly hysterically and sometimes loudly. I have ranted my pains to people and spent my recovery time wondering if these people will ever use my vulnerability against me. I have lashed out at God, lost faith then run back to him praying for strength. I have sat in buses completely in control then abruptly breaking down uncontrollably. I have shut out voluntarily to deal because nothing else seems to help . I have always grieved my losses albeit over short periods. Eventually, I move on. I adapt to my no-so-good circumstances. They become familiar and life goes on. It stops being a big deal. It becomes normal.

Earlier this year, I walked in to a hospital that was offering free cancer checkups. A prerequisite to this was getting a HIV test. I walk in and the counsellor takes me through the basics. I’m very relaxed. Normally, the HIV test scares me. She notices my cool demeanor and asks why I’m not worried. I havent engaged in sexual intercourse in awhile, no transmissions and I have had those tests taken too many times since I got pregnant. She gets curious. A child, no sex recently. Where’s the dad? Oh, not present? What happened? Did he bail?...

People always like the tales. I indulge. I’m amused actually. I tell her I’m alright. We went our separate ways amicably. She wants more. I tell her I’m okay, really okay. I don’t think about it plus these things happen all the time and people turn out alright.

She tells me I’m cool headed because I never grieved. It’s too soon for me to be that cool headed.

I wanted to tell her how much I grieved that loss. The number of desperate and angry messages I sent. The crying involuntarily in buses, hours spent in church praying. Oh, the novenas I said faithfully. Prayers, unanswered. The number of ultimatums I gave myself. The struggle to go just one day not texting, not calling, not praying about it,caring as little as he did.Then another day and another and another. The reality of doing it alone and finally, the acceptance and familiarlity of it all. I grieved.

I smiled, promised to pass by and left.

A month back, I qualify for a very good job. I’ve been jobless for 3 months so this comes as such a blessing. Quitting my previous job was a hard choice but a must-do kind of choice. I needed growth opportunities and financial stability. Having a child sort of really realigns your priorities and most importantly, your budget. I needed to get something better, stable and less stressful. A job with a company that upholds integrity.

I finally get offered the position but my former employer maliciously just ruins it. The offer, stalled. One year two months later, grief! I grieve all over again but for a job. I grieve worse this time. To think that losing a job can hurt worse than losing a lover/friend.I was so close, so close. I can’t understand why God would let someone so malicious ruin my life. Why would God bring me this far then just drop me? What is the point? Seeing my genuine struggle then watching me lose this? I grieve. Oh, I grieved. I have turned 25,my daughter one and I have nothing to show for it. I grieve my insufficiency as a parent. I grieve all over again.

After an year of unalduterated happiness, grief visits again. This is me ranting about it before I adapt to it.

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