My Journey — How Photography Changed My Life For The Better
From A School Drop-Out To A Professional Photographer
This is the story of how my interest in photography started with curiosity; became my passion; got me featured in PhotoVogue; and ultimately CHANGED my entire life!
The Beginning…
It all started with a small compact camera my mum would take with her on our holiday. Back then I was just six years old, and I LOVED it when she would allow me to snap some pictures with it! Since I was still a child, my mum would not allow me to use the camera all the time in case I might accidentally break it. To me, this camera was a fascinating toy I thought was really fun to play with. It always left me with a thrill of excitement, waiting to get home so I could finally take a better look at all the pictures we took. I always enjoyed to rewatch them as a slideshow on our TV. The results? A lot of silly shots of my mum, my brother and some selfies of myself! I remember I always had a good laugh at the ridiculously zoomed-in pictures I took of my brother’s face! Oh well, I was just a 6-year-old after all.
My Love For Making Art
Before I had my first experience with any camera, I loved making art and especially had a huge interest in drawing. I was a little girl with a huge fantasy and was always overflowing with creativity. Drawing is what I did all the time and it was my way of expressing all my creativity and rich fantasies. It always gave me a feeling of happiness and a sense of satisfaction that just playing with regular toys could not give me. But ever since I discovered my mum’s camera, it really intrigued me! So almost every time I got myself some “pocket money’’, I would ask my mum to buy me a disposable camera. And that is where it all really started! I enjoyed making pictures so much, I would make sure to ask for more disposable cameras whenever I could (including for my Birthday, with the money I got from the tooth fairy and from Santa during Christmas of course). With a new interest in cameras, a new art-interest was born in me. It was in the art of photography! But as a (by then) 7-year-old I had no idea that I was interested in a form of art that would eventually become a big part of my life.
Bullying & The Start Of Perfectionism
I really enjoyed creating art, both at home and at school. When I think back to my elementary school times, it definitely gives me a sense of nostalgia. Unfortunately, this period also includes some bitterness. While I was the type of student teachers loved having in their classes (the humble, respectful and diligent type), starting at 7 years old I was frequently the target of bullies. I was considered as timid and shy which they saw as a vulnerability.
Ever since the bullying started, school was never the same to me. It changed me forever and I have never been the same. The bullying left me with a serious fear of being rejected by others. Back then I had no idea how to deal with this fear. All I knew I could do, was to make sure I kept excelling in school. By doing so, I knew I would keep winning the support and affection of my family and teachers. At least I would be accepted and loved by these people.
A Perfect Facade
What originated as a little girl’s fear, unknowingly grew to become a serious obsession of perfectionism during my early teenage years. Unfortunately, it was taking its toll on me mentally. I unintentionally started to crop up all my emotions while I kept showing the outside world a “perfect” facade. Perfectionism was my way to shine and I was praised for it at school.
All I began to focus on was studying and getting good grades. No, not just good grades. PERFECT grades! My perfectionism slowly started to get out of control. I constantly felt a strong and growing necessity to excel, but at the same time I wasn’t able to completely fit in with my peers. Trying to be perfect became my way of coping with my past trauma. The people around me saw this perfectionism as a good thing, which is understandable. After all, who doesn’t want to see their child/friend/student work hard for school, right? So I just kept on telling myself that everything would be okay if I would continue to study hard and get those perfect grades. By doing so I was showing the world my “mask’’ of doing fine all the time. Everybody just saw what was going “right”, while nobody saw what was about to seriously go wrong.
Behind The Mask…
Mentally it started to get heavier and I was beginning to lose pieces of myself. This, for example, impacted my creativity. I was barely making art or photographing anymore. I got so insecure that it was hard for me to open up and make friends. The past was haunting me and caused me to be extremely afraid of any kind of disapproval. I was also afraid that people would see me as crazy if I told them how I truly felt. Keeping this facade up was absolutely exhausting, both mentally and physically.
The Moment Everything Fell Apart
Then I arrived at a point where I could not keep it up any longer. I got a serious mental breakdown. The perfectionism I was so highly praised for, something that seemed to be so innocent, tore me apart. I fought so hard to hold up my “perfect” school performance but I eventually ended up losing all control over my life. I couldn’t concentrate on any of my schoolwork any longer. I literally went from being a top student to a bottom student. And eventually, my worst nightmare came true. I wasn’t fitting in any longer and due to a mental breakdown, I could not keep up and eventually dropped out of school. I felt terrible and worthless. It felt like I lost everything I worked SO hard for.
The Power Of Photography: The Moment It Júst Clicked
As I was recovering from my mental breakdown, I had no clue what to do with my life from here on. I felt lost… But then one day, I was scrolling through my Facebook timeline and I stumbled upon an article. It was written by a lady who documented how she felt while she was recovering from a mental breakdown herself.. Since I was going through something similar, I was interested to read her article. So I clicked on it, and what I found was life changing to me. Reading that article gave me a sense of hope and purpose again! The article she wrote was about her way of documenting her emotions through self-portrait photography. The pictures shown in the article spoke a million words to me. Just taking a look at these pictures alone, gave me a strong feeling of what she was going through. At that moment, an idea suddenly came to me, and I thought to myself: “I should give that a try as well!” The power of storytelling through photography was mind-blowing to me!
Self-Expression Through Photos
That was when I started to take some self-portraits for the first time, and the feeling was indescribably great! I felt like I could FINALLY express myself without having to use any words at all. One of my very first self-portraits (taken in 2015), eventually ended up getting published on PhotoVogue! I was super surprised because I never thought my picture would be good enough. It gave me some more confidence when it likewise got featured by several big photography pages on Instagram. Although I was a school dropout, it felt like I could still get a tiny bit of recognition in this world. It gave me hope. I felt like I could express myself deeply and truly through photography. I was able to convey emotions through photos. Something I never thought I was capable of doing.
When Hobby Changed Into Passion
I started to receive a lot of positive comments and praise for my self-portraits. From several people I heard they thought I had a good eye for photography and asked me if I ever considered doing it as a profession. Initially I thought those were just flattering words of kindness. But then one day I had a conversation with a relative who is a professional photographer with decades of experience. He asked me the exact same question: ‘Why don’t you become a professional photographer?’
He told me a lot about his work and experience in the industry and also how he started years ago. I began to develop a deeper interest in photography and soon I spent hours a day studying and learning about the technical aspects. It started as a hobby and soon became my passion. I just knew that this was what I wanted to pursue in life!
Art School: The Game Changer!
The idea of making a living out of photography was great! But as a 16-year-old, it was still compulsory for me to attend school for at least 2 more years according to the laws (in my country). Honestly, the idea of going back to school initially frightened me a bit. My past school experiences left me with a sense of fear, so the thought of returning to such an environment was really daunting to me. Since I am creative and I used to enjoy arts and drawing a lot, a friend recommended me to take a look at this well-known art school nearby. Doing something I enjoyed might give me that extra boost of motivation to get back to class again. I was feeling overjoyed after finding out that you could actually major in photography there!
One Of The Many
It didn’t take long before I decided that I wanted to apply to the art school. Soon I found out that I had to take entry exams in order to get in and to be honest, that freaked me out! They only accept about 60 students each year, and I was one of the many who applied! The competition was fierce. Did I really have it in me to qualify? Was I really good enough? Then there was another issue I faced… I had no proper gear, nor the money to buy that gear. I had no DSLR, no lenses.. I used either my phone or a crappy compact camera for all the previous photos I had taken.
The Overthinker…
My thoughts were all over the place. What am I supposed to do now? And what if I get rejected? If I would get rejected, I had to go back to one of those regular schools I felt so unsure about. And then what if I dropped out once again? I felt some pressure and stress because I had to prove that I was good enough to get accepted into the art school. I was 17 years old at the time and feeling fragile, bearing scars from the past but longing for a positive change! Longing to be happy, and finally leave the past behind me for once and for all. I wanted to re-do school in the right way and prove myself to be worthy in this society.
It’s NOW Or NEVER
I realised that this really was a make-or-break situation for me. It was now or never. So I made a plan and I decided to take a side-job at a supermarket to start saving up money right away. As soon as I saved enough, I emptied my piggy bank and bought my first ever DSLR camera. A genuinely exhilarating moment in my life that I will never forget!
My First DSLR Camera
The moment I first held my camera kind of felt like I was holding a baby. It was so precious I had to handle it with care and it made me feel so happy and excited! I began to take pictures of anything you can imagine. I was so captivated by all the beauty around me and the details I could see through the lens. This camera was changing my life.
The Pressure Is ON! Time To Get Creative
But first, I had to pass those entry exams. I had to succeed! I just wanted this SO bad! The time was ticking for me, I only had ONE week to shoot TWO photo assignments! The first assignment had to be a 5-piece photo series that would tell the viewer a story. The second assignment consisted of two photographs. The first had to be one that represents the way you see yourself in the present moment, and the other one had to represent the way you see yourself as a future photographer. It was time to get creative and I was burning with with passion!
The Wait Was Worth It
The deadline was nearing! But I made sure I was on time to hand in my two photo assignments. Then it was quiet for a while… Some stressful weeks passed. Then I got a letter with the results back from school! I can still remember that day vividly. It was my mum’s birthday and I GOT ACCEPTED into art school! My hard work really paid off! It felt like my efforts and potential got acknowledged, which helped a lot with the self-doubt and insecurities I have felt throughout my life. But honestly, I was still quite sceptical about starting a new chapter at a new school, but luckily the feeling of excitement was greater than the fear I felt.
Growth: Tackling Perfectionism Like A Boss
And just like that, a new exciting chapter in my life began. And as expected, it didn’t take long for my perfectionism to show up once again. But this time I really enjoyed school and made a lot of friends. Art school really can be quite competitive, so I still compared myself to other students at the school. I still doubted myself at times. That probably sounds like a bit of a bad sign right? Well, I can tell you that this time was completely different. My perfectionism was definitely present, but I started to learn how to control it! Being a drop-out for a while gave me some time to reflect and recover mentally. It made me realise that it is okay not to be perfect and that everything happens for a reason (in one way or another).
I learnt to accept my flaws and that there is more to life than just getting perfect grades. Life is filled with many precious moments. Those are exactly the moments I love to capture on camera. I learnt to enjoy the journey along the way, instead of just focusing on reaching my goals all the time as perfect and quickly as possible.
If I never dropped out of secondary school, the chances of me finding my true passion and pursuing it professionally so early on were probably MUCH and MUCH smaller.
From Drop-Out To A Professional Photographer
I am here to proudly tell you that today is my graduation day! I successfully graduated from art school with a degree in Photography. At some moments, I still can’t believe I did it!
Experience Is Our Best Teacher
Throughout my journey I’ve learnt and grown SO much. I learnt about the two sides of the coin of perfectionism: I experienced a total breakdown obsessing over perfection that led me to being a school drop-out; but I also experienced success and being a good performing student with a healthy, balanced competitive mentality in school. Finding this balance has helped me to step out of my comfort zone; and stepping out of my comfort zone helped me improve my photography tremendously. This resulted in getting some awesome opportunities such as some more PhotoVogue (including Best-Of PhotoVogue) features and a photography internship abroad in Barcelona. I’d like to share some valuable lessons that I learnt and helped me transform into the photographer and person I am today. I realised that photography is so much more than just taking pretty pictures. It’s a process of self-discovery that never really ends; Photography has taught me patience. You can’t become an amazing photographer overnight and it takes lots of time and practice to find your own style. Also for me, this is a never-ending (but enjoyable) process. Photography has taught me how to live in the moment and look for beauty where others may miss it. It made me step out of my comfort zone and by doing so, it helped me to improve myself as well as my work. I hope I was able to inspire you with my story of how photography changed my life for the better. Remember that failure is an unavoidable part of our journey and it might open doors for greater opportunities. Find your passion and don’t be afraid to pursue it. If I can do it, so can you!
