Lost and found

This is a story about me, myself and I. Sitting on a 12-hour train ride from Switzerland back home gave me time to think. Lots of time. Not being able to fall asleep (with one foot in sweet dreams already) I rambled through my life just few years ago — when I was happy, full of energy and brightly-looking on future. I had different kind of worries but I didn’t allow them to occupy my mind for longer that necessary. But today everything is different and I am constantly scratching my head with all this different ‘why-s’ and ‘how-s’. Today I want to be happy and full of hope and positivism. I want to.

But I am stuck somewhere in between my heart that is screaming for freedom and my mind that is holding me down.

Again, why? I am very grateful for many things in my life, with my family to begin with. Endlessly thankful actually. I live in a peaceful country, I have a warm place in the winter and ice cream in the summer. I am also in a pretty loving relationship. So there is absolutely no external reason for me to be miserable. Logical assumption then is, that all this bad energy is coming from the inside. I am creating it and fighting against it at the same time, what seems to be endless process. But the last thing I want in my life is endless inner fight. And there are few outcomes that I am most certainly not proud of, but stubborness is holding me back from action.

First, I am becoming more and more angry on the whole world. Even on weather if you can imagine. I am angry because it is raining on my days off and sun is shining when I have to work. I am angry because window seat on a train is taken. I am angry because someone haven’t returned call. I am angry because I feel lonely and I am angry if people invite me out.

Second, I am sad. Sadness is probably coping mechanism when anger passes. Being angry on the whole world is not an easy job and sooner than later tears burst out with accompanying feeling of loneliness and hopelessness. My world suddenly collapses and I can’t see single good point in anything.

Third, there’s this feeling of meaninglessness and of constant chasing the purpose of my life.

What am suppose to do? What I enjoy doing? What is my call? What is that I am good at? What, what, what…? And despite n interests that I have, at that moment I can’t see myself doing neither.

So I packed together all three outcomes in a single problem of loosing myself or if you want to in getting to know myself..again. From the beginning. After watching numerous youtube sessions with personal trainers and people who turned around their life, and reading article upon article upon article about pursuing happiness and fulfilled life, my state didn’t get any better. Even worse. It’s actually like being a cat, chasing a mouse that someone draw on a wall, and poor cat is hitting the wall numerous times and never get to the mouse. It’s there but it’s not really there. And so I realised the only person who can help me is me. I have to overcome my stubborn mind and let myself free. I have to relax and take things less seriously. I remember once when I studied Chinese, that lecturer was telling us about Lao Zi. It was something about having no control over things anyway, so we might as well leave life to flow. And that is exactly what I have to do. Easier to say than to do, but I’ll certainly do my best to let things go and hope for the best. Or at least for finding my passion and pursue my dreams, which (according to many many authors) is the right way towards happiness.

I believe everyone shines doing something, the only difference is that many people find it within themselves and some of us just don’t. But it’s never too late. Someday it will happen, I know it will.

Someday I will meet my old-self again in the mirror, say hello to her, maybe even kiss her and never ever let her go again.