i have a confession to make.

i’ve been sad and kind of anxious lately, more so than what’s become my new normal over the past few months. maybe it has something to do with this, or maybe it has something to do with that, or maybe it’s just because of life. i don’t know.

here’s what i do know…

every time i go into the bathroom and don’t lift up my shirt to “check” my stomach
every time i eat all my meals when i don’t feel like it
every time i eat a snack when my body is calling out for one
every time i go into a coffee shop and order the mocha instead of the black coffee
every time i can get through the day without pinching and prodding my stomach
every time i can open up and talk about what i’m feeling instead of acting like everything is fine
every time i say no to the gym after i’m tired from working all day
every time i can throw a middle finger up in the face of diet talk

every time i do these things, i am beating my eating disorder. i am strengthening my recovery. i am learning how to cope with sadness without eating disorder behaviors. i’m learning to live instead of just existing. i’m beating that beast inside me that only wants to restrict, run, restrict, isolate.