the first lie my eating disorder told me was that i didn’t have an eating disorder.

sometimes i miss it.

the safety i felt in counting, the comfort in my long runs, the numbness that comes along with hunger, and the body that goes along with it all. it’s not the prettiest of sights -in fact, it’s a sort of hell. it’s soul-numbing and heartbreaking. it’s losing fistfuls of hair in the shower and spending hours drooling over recipes on pinterest that you know you’ll never dare make. it’s having anxiety attacks when you’re out with your friends and losing people along the way. it’s abusing your body day in and day out. it dims the light inside you that has the potential to burn so bright.

but it’s safe. or at least it was. it’s what i knew. it was comfortable.