The Piano Has Been Drinking

Two months ago I had the privilege of being invited by Mike Monteiro to banter with him on MuleRadio’s podcast Let’s Make Mistakes. The subject of our discussion, Codes of Conduct. The point of view I brought to the table, similar but in places divergent from Mike’s.

After covering the expected territories looking into why bad behavior happens at conferences and how to potentially mitigate or prevent those situations, Mike put the following on the table: “Maybe there just shouldn’t be (alcohol at professional events)?”

My brain immediately drew a line to what I saw as a new dot, from a dot laid the day before: a prospective customer of mine, discussing how the counter in their office is crowded with Costco-sized jugs of hard liquor. How deeply engrained drinking is, into that particular startup’s culture. How the idea of no drinking in the office (or even just before noon!) was too preposterous for management to mandate w/o a likely fallout of the team walking-out.

“It’s a skill to cultivate to be social and fun without a drink in your hand. If you don’t practice, it seems like things aren’t fun without booze.

I wish more events encouraged us to cultivate that skill so that alcohol is always a choice rather than a crutch and a currency and the definition of whether or not it is fun or a party.” -anon friend, via FB

As this exec was describing the impact of drinking on the culture of their promising startup — a conversational thread that piggybacked upon mention of an inability to retain women employees — I looked out the window of our conference room and gazed upon the crew of young, lethargic appearing developers. The scene bore a perfect resemblance to the livingroom of a nerdy frat house or dorm room. Except these guys are all making six-figures, and at an age that 40 years ago would have had them married, owning a home in the suburbs, fathering children, or serving military tours. Yet here they were, all coding for one of the hottest VC prospects of 2014 while still hungover from the day before, and pumping the buzz to come for the afternoon ahead.

I reflected on my own time in a variety of businesses — functional, dysfunctional, and everything in between. At Cooper Design, where I’d spent the weekend a few weeks prior for a workshop, the contents of their “complimentary employee beverages” fridge left a marked impression on me: rows of flavored water, rows of bottled tea, many rows with a variety of fruity/sparkly beverages, and a couple of rows of beer.

“Alcohol is a currency.”

In a few of my prior workplaces, alcohol had been outright banned. At Adobe, the boozes were banned during my time there — a very un-popular decision. So, we all (my manager & his manager, quite giddily) made a game out of hiding our contraband. Looking at the fridge at Cooper, a very clear message was sent to me: “Beer is here if you want it, and we like good beer here — but a drinking culture, this is not.”

Of note with Cooper: it’s a 30+ y/o established business with a near perfect balance of men to women, and where the median age of workers is probably mid-30s or early-40s. In addition to UX services, Cooper is also sought by clients to consult on workplace culture cultivation. Cooper’s is a very deliberate culture, and one that proprietors Alan and Sue have spent decades very thoughtfully kneading.

Then in October, Model View Culture published a superb piece exposing and discussing the trend of drinking in Tech and design/ad agency cultures, in the context of its divisive impact on inclusivity. It’s from that piece, that the brilliant line this section takes its header from, was included.

Being human and present, together, is hard.

The majority of the companies I’ve worked at over the years, have permitted booze. The dominant pattern clearly established, is that among responsible adults, drinking is no big deal (and assumed to be what all fun people do). Mike’s initial question to me in his podcast however, ignited a spark: do we really need to drink at conferences? At any work events? I reflected on my time at Adobe, and how drinking was so deeply embedded in the culture of my team; how as a metaphorical lightweight, I’d chosen to abstain from drinking with colleagues, and how that had subsequently distanced me from much of our team — my boss, especially.

We spend 75% of our waking ours in adulthood, at work. Such a huge hunk of time should seemingly be spent in a fashion that cultivates congeniality and teamwork that betters ourselves and our colleagues. For my Irish boss, drinking was the ultimate of congenial activities — and he frequently mocked me for refusing to drink (admittedly, that mocking I trust was intended to be in good humor — but not being cultured as Irish, that humor definitely did not translate to me at the time). For people in recovery, women whom are privately in the early stages of pregnancy, or our colleagues whom abstain for religious reasons, team events centered around drinking also mean a social demotion to secondary/wimp status, a fear of invasive/unwelcome inquiries, and possibly feelings of alienation. For many folks in recovery, just sitting in a bar and freely socializing with a glass of fizzy-water, is an impossible task. Why don’t we care more about these things?!

If we’re so damn awesome, why not do better?

Yesterday a friend posted the below, in a private Facebook Group facilitating discussion among a group of peers who assemble annually on a retreat:

One of the things some people might object to about (peer events) is how much they’ve grown to be fueled by alcohol. The same has been discussed about the tech scene in general. When I was a young engineer, we went out and drank at lunch on Friday, ordering margaritas by the pitcher. Now young engineers open the bar in their startup at 4:30 every day. I might be misremembering, but I recall every post here seems to share this: lots of discussion of drink tickets, drink discounts, great drinks, free drinks. Is there some meaning to make of how and why that is so prevalent? Would there be some value to spending some of our time together connecting and having fun and lots of camaraderie sans drinks?

A long and amazing conversational thread unraveled. Apparently, many others had been thinking about & questioning this, too! Most of us, not in recovery or temperance activists; rather, adults who simply like to have fun with others in our tribe… just not always in a fashion dependent on inebriants; questioning if inebriants are even always appropriate (or welcome); and that frankly, our (cough, aging) bodies are somewhat begging for some variety in the usual routine. Of note: as I write this, I’m still recovering from a markedly unusual 5+ drinks this week, at a conference. The bar served all the available beverages, and after waiting in line for 15min, getting a fun drink was far more appealing than a sugary soda.

Last week Robert Scoble shocked many by announcing w/o warning, that he’d be taking a two month leave of absence from social media, his job at Rackspace, all tech events —his whole life, pretty much. Rehab and establishing a new life as a fully sober adult, his priority. Scoble also just turned 50. Much as I have nothing but praise and admiration for Scoble in what I trust is a difficult time, I don’t feel any of us do right in his shadow not asking ourselves: why wait until we’re 50, in poor health, or practically estranged from those we share a roof with and love the most?

So I find myself writing this. Excited as hell by my friend’s post in our FB group, and what seems to be a serendipitous convergence of interests all begging the same question: we know we can grow the fuck up and force ourselves to do better, so please — lets?

The Model View Culture piece I earlier cited, makes some suggestions that I wholly agree with. Still hungover from a conference earlier this week however, I’d like to add to them from my own takeaways from the Codes of Conduct discussions, and post-mortem meditations on about a dozen events I’ve attended in the past several months. Events, all produced by awesomely responsible people.

1. Make a variety of non-alcoholic beverages available in equal abundance as their boozy counterparts.

Duh. Most events do this, and to them all I shout: mazel tov! To those only offering the usual Coke/Pepsi products: I suggest to consider pls San Pellegrino, Huit Water, Crystal Geyser, Izze and Jones Sodas, Vox bubbly. The more appealing & broad a variety of options (with/without added sugar or caffeine) available, is like offering more than just salad as an option to vegetarian guests at a multi-course dinner party.

2. Within reach, always.

Don’t restrict access to water and yummy non-alcoholic beverages to bartenders, or to other domain keepers behind counters or long lines. Setup ice-filled buckets brimming full with bottled sodas, sparkling water, and plain bottled water.

Prioritize keeping these open-access buckets stocked with beverages by the catering company, as their highest item. All alcoholic beverages, behind a bar and a clear second priority. Chatter makes for thirstiness, and healthy alcohol consumption mandates parallel or follow-up rehydration.

3. Mocktails, not just Cocktails.

Stealing an awesome term from the Model View Culture piece — don’t restrict the fun beverages to those that involve bitters or vermouth. Serve fun and festive things decorated with fruit peels or herbs without alcohol as core ingredients, too — and be mindful to not present them on the menu as second-class to their boozy counterparts.

4. Self-awareness: this is a work thing.

Among the most critical of all things we need to each remind ourselves of, is imho one of the most obvious of overlooked points: conferences and tech events aren’t shindigs among friends, in the traditional sense. Much as we consider these folks our friends, the purpose of these shindigs is professional, not personal: a too-frequently overlooked distinction.

Personal events we host in our homes, or are attended entirely by folks we’d naturally have at our homes on a Sunday morning for Brunch; in our hospital room, visiting us should we fall to illness or injury. The personal/professional boundary is critical, and not the time or place for concepts of communal sharing or radical inclusion to be tried on for size. Burning Man is a place for social experimentation; business, is not. It just isn’t. Somehow in Silicon Valley, this has been painfully obfuscated in our neverending quest for disruption and innovation. It’s time to bring it back home. Of all the traditional social boundaries we may feel tempted to eschew, respect and unconditionally heed this one above all else. Ok, breathing, too.

5. Close event bars early

When reading Jared Spool’s contribution to this past December’s Codes of Conduct conversation, I was struck at the simplicity of — what he later qualified to me verbally to be one of his best tools in designing good crowd behavior — just… close the damn bars early. Really! Not hard! Jared’s events typically only have an open bar for 1–2hrs. After that, bars close. Beyond 2hrs the social wheels have been adequately lubricated, the flow of excited storytelling among friends old and new started — what’s the point, beyond facilitating lots of drunken stupor and a few dozen hangovers? Even typically late arrivers (like me!) have gotten one drink by then.

At the IxD15 closing night party, I was standing in the middle of a humming crowd at The Exploratorium when the lights were turned-on, the music shut off, and venue staff immediately began hollering and gesturing at the crowd to corral us towards the exit. It was 11pm. Corraling the herd of a global family joined for this one special week took a good half-hour or so. We could have easily hung out for another hour or two… and many possibly would have, just to finish catching-up. Bar or no bar.

What if: the aforementioned big-buckets of non-boozy bevvies had been in place, and the event bars had closed at 9pm? Even 10pm. If 11pm is an event’s closing time, there is truly no reason to keep its bar open until 11pm. Especially if there’s no concern of recouping expenses with alcohol sales (eg: open bar!). Separately: if you’re organizing a professional event and are trying to cover its expenses or to make money selling alcohol… #fail. Kinda like trying to make pantyhose for a cold chihuahua.

A childhood friend’s father owned both of our town’s best pubs, and when I asked Mr. Schubach why he always closed at 11pm, his response was “Nothing good happens in a bar after midnight.” That’s stuck with me for a lot of years as a hard, solid truth.

6. Events without the alcohol

…which isn’t to say they’d be billed as “sober events,” or even “alcohol free.” Just have the event, but don’t have booze served there. Fun beverages, lively music and lighting, fun atmosphere, the right people curated as the crowd. Really. Not hard.

7. Inclusion by design is not terribly hard.

Whether or not I’m in recovery, is nobody’s business. At least — it should not be anybody’s business. But people ask or assume, anyway. Which is lame, because in my experience, most folks abstaining from drinking abstain for reasons having nothing to do with addiction or other dogmatic burdens. For those among us whom are in recovery: they’re my damn heroes, and their stories aren’t our gossip.

My own testimony: I feel like shit for days after I drink. I used to train in a brief quest to be a professional athlete, which raised my fitness to elite levels. Knowing how that body felt, makes me loathe how my inebriated or post-inebriation body feels… so, that’s my preference, my choice. It’s also the motivation of many, many more folks than you’d think. I’m also asthmatic, and drinking triggers my asthma. I’ll just stop, there.

Assume less, and let’s just discipline ourselves to behave more inclusively, more often. We can all be in this together.