Hi

This is my first attempt on Medium.

Drama Alert- Kid you not.

I’ve been too arrogant with all of my self decisions. Overestimating those-don’ts in my list. Now, my routine becomes my own discomfort. It’s pretty surprising how selfish I am to the promise I’ve made. I am pretty sceptical. My anticipation goes to the “anything won’t go as smooth as you wish” level.
Being pessimistic and sceptical are exhausting as hell. How I wish to get some “push” to keep me moving. It’s also something that you always aim, and by just remembering that, you get brighten all the way. You believe that your effort will be paid. That’s exactly what I am struggling for. I keep praying, learning, and doing something. I have some to achieve, but I can’t keep trusting on anything. I am still dreaming to get on a scholarship and pursue a good Master degree in a notable university. I even doubt my efforts will turn to be something good. I can’t stand feeling inferior and being surpassed.

I might get slapped for this. I confess one of my sins.

My thesis is going around in a circle. I got no one to blame but myself. I keep making excuse to postpone my writing like ‘I don’t get the mood.”, or “too many distractions”. I sweat the small stuffs.

My intention was actually good, really. I just tried to try to compose a good final paper as I also plan to still grab Master degree. However, I came unprepared. I am not as bright as some people, those who only consider so, think. I even couldn’t think of a title. I was rejected around 3–4 times. It’s not exactly a rejection but my supervisor suggested me to consider the time limitation and perspective participants. I thought I could take things down cooly. But I was overwhelmed, in a bad way. Having a lot of thoughts and thinking of perfection are killing. Not sure if I am an OCD sufferer or just stupid. I make my own burden while nobody bothers the f- I am doing.
I thought, we can’t only give prejudice to other people, but to ourself. We forecast what might happen. What’s the fastest thing human race can do? Judging. I misread myself.

I agree how Lao Tzi stressed the importance of mastering ourselves. Underestimating or overestimating yourself will get you nowhere. I wish people set a good routine too.

Let’s cover about my fondness of Lao Tzi’s thought next time. Thank you for reading.

N.