F a k e C o u r a g e
Love could have been the most critical topic you could discuss to me — before.
I used to think love was something everyone could proclaim that easy. Proclaim that they have found their love, proclaim that they have felt love, proclaim that love conquers all. I used to think it was people’s way of showing off and that they’d brag about how love hit them that much.
I hate to see myself in this aspect and I had to set my standards to keep myself strayed with the so called love. I had opinions on love, I had opinions on how you could tell something as love. But truth be told, I had soon to discover that love isn’t that much as accurate as how I believe it was.
I have never extremely waited for someone’s messages. I must have enjoyed your company. I might have considered enjoying myself with sharing my experiences with you and how I actually perceive stuff. I used to believe sharing too much of your opinion may change someone else’s opinion about yourself.
I have never watched someone intensely long enough more than ten seconds from afar. I used to kick my mind off the hook when I caught myself staring at you while you sit on the floor, restfully watching how things go from your view. I have never stared at someone in a long period of time for the lone fact that it grows awkwardly. But there is this certain point that keeps my eyes glued on you. Was is it because you looked good? You looked attractive? I wasn’t sure. But all I know is that stating someone they’re attractive is out of my league. I couldn’t figure how and why I would frequently stare at you.
I have never waited for someone for hours without feeling impatient, where I would insist on waiting happily and excitedly. It was where I thought waiting patiently was waiting for something worthy. Perhaps it did taught me how patience could mean so much in this world. I remember how I told you that it would be irrational to wait for someone that long. Why would I wait for someone to which I know it’ll be out of my convenience? But then I have felt the feeling of not looking for a reason to wait for you. Seeing you after waiting for hours could have been the happiest second I can have in a day. Would that count as being irrational?
I have never missed looking at the clock. I used to watch the clock consistently but hey, talking to you for hours could have changed my pattern of looking at my watch. Later realizing I have exhausted my hours talking to you till we reached midnight. I used to check if I had talked to someone the same that long before — certainly, yes I did talk to some peeps that long. But it was something out of obligation because perhaps they were ranting to me stuff about their lives as to why I couldn’t get off and sleep. But this time I missed the clock probably because those days, I was into you. Believe me, my old self could have cringed hearing that “I was into you.” I have never said that statement to anyone else.
I have never thought I’d come to the point of balancing my academics, my org works, my thesis and love. Laughable for my old self since I never indulge myself with love or whatnot but hey, look who came into my life. I had to admit, during the days I was into you I was completely distracted. Happily distracted, I suppose. I was seriously into you, please believe me — it’s not even a joke.
I have never treated food. Never. I have always thought that my money counts for my food and my only food. The thought of treating someone was deliberately killing me often because I thought I hadn’t enough money to buy for myself so why in the name of Nicanor Reyes would I treat them. But you see, I find myself buying you food without any of your consent. I have never felt happy buying other people’s likes. Like, it’s almost similar to being selfless, was that it? Selfless in a way where reaching to the point I’d feel empty only to see you happy. But it feels sad where I’d actually come to the feeling of being empty to the point I couldn’t give anything more.
I have never kissed anyone that way. It was almost like being enveloped in a warm blanket made for my lips. I have never came close that much to anyone before since I tend to distance myself from anyone who would come near me. Funny how it seems I’d breathe your breath, I wouldn’t mind.
I never looked at someone’s eyes, feeling vulnerable and weak. I used to tell everyone that eye contact was something that challenges your confidence. It was something to give off energy and persistence which is why people who argue, people who fight tend to have longer eye contact. It’s about challenging who should fall and who should rise. It was a way of venting out their anger and letting the other party know the idea they’re about to blow things up. But then I realized not all eye contacts would mean boosting your confidence nor showing who the boss is. It’s looking at what you cherish or find beauty in it. I used to believe eye contacts were meant to bring out confidence but then I couldn’t explain before why I felt weak looking at you. Again, my old self would cringe — but I guess this is definitely how it feels to love someone. Staring at you felt like falling to bed after a long day at work or school. It felt like munching your favorite chips or food with extreme satisfaction. Staring at you felt like I was seeing something only I could see. Something that would feed my only judgement and opinion. An opinion which no one could ever accept but me. Staring at you felt like simply watching your favorite movie as it eats your attention and your world. It felt like having to feel something weird in your chest. I felt alive. I felt human.
I have never craved for someone’s presence like again, never. I never depended my pleasure on someone else’s presence. Okay, maybe yes I did to some of my friends probably because it felt lonely. But this is something not leaning to the idea of being lonely. I didn’t want your presence for the lone idea of being lonely. I wanted your presence because I just felt like I needed to be close to you. It may not seem like it but it feels amazing to be close to you. Able to hear your voice, able to touch you, able to talk to you, able to look at you seemed like losing yourself to another world of — I don’t know, a wonder land? A place where no one has ever been before? I don’t know, it sounded just that. But hey look, I have never felt frustrated before despite being surrounded by my close friends. Craving for food was similar, indeed. It felt like you had to eat and taste how it tastes like. You had to feel that smooth icing decorated on that chocolate cake you had before. It was the same — feeling that tight hug you have felt before. Feeling your fingers slipping next to mine and locking it as if you wouldn’t want to let go. Feeling your arms slowly drifting to my waist and tucking me to a hug, pressing my body to yours. I couldn’t escape the feeling. I often had the urge to hug you while walking to class. I had the urge to see your face while taking exams — imagining your face would come up by the door’s window. I know it sounds exaggerated but it was actually what I’d usually feel.
I didn’t have necessary high standards, I just couldn’t see love the same way other see how love is. I had to wait till I could feel it. Numerous questions and thoughts swarmed my head, I couldn’t make out an answer as to what I felt. Was it temporary? Was it something doomed to be gone in a few weeks? months? Was it something I felt because it was just a feeling? Moments where I’d try to stop myself drawing close to you and then eventually shoving to my face the fact I couldn’t do it. It was difficult. It was difficult not talking to you. I couldn’t push away my happiness whenever I see your name up on my phone’s screen with your text messages. It was unbearable not to reply. To cut it short, I couldn’t ignore you nor my feelings.
One can’t explain someone how it feels, no matter how detailed you get. It’s something out of explanation nor description. You have to feel before you get to understand how things work. And that was probably how I understood love in a way I had to feel it. No matter how hard I try to decode how people are able to feel these things, it cannot be explained through words. But here I am, trying to explain what it feels like. People who have never encountered love would probably give a shudder in the shoulder upon reading this. I was the same. It felt unreal and exaggerated before. Like, it never existed — it’s just you feeling things. It’s just you trying to feel things that were never that way. But like I said, it is something out of description. It is something that is to feel for yourself before seeing the wide aspect of love.