This Light

I used to love the rain. I used to enjoy the sound that raindrops make when it hit against the roof and windows. I used to feel safe when the clouds are dark and the skies are covered with magnificent patterns of lightning. Now that it’s raining I want to see the blue skies, and feel the ray of the sun on my skin.

I have changed a lot. I look forward to the future. I still moan and bitch when I wake up in the morning, but I don’t wish I didn’t wake up like I did before. I still glare at people, but I no longer do that on a daily basis. These past few weeks felt like I was not alone. It felt nice. My anger was lifted. I tell myself that I deserve this. I deserve the break from my perpetual sadness and solitude. You did this when you came into my life.

Although I know this wouldn’t last, I have to enjoy it while it’s here. I just wish that you see the light that you have ignited inside of me. I just wish you try to figure out why I do what I do. I just wish you step out of your Instagram worthy thoughts and throw a quick glance at my reality.

While I’ll try to enjoy what we have, it has to end little by little. It has to end because I don’t want to be the only person stranded in the end. I don’t want to be the person wondering what went wrong. I don’t want to feel that kind of suffering anymore. It’s selfish, but I have learned well. I have learned that people and feelings are temporary. The only constant thing in this life is the person staring back at me when I look at the mirror. I have to protect that person. I have to keep him sane. I have committed so much time for other people I forgot myself.

I’ll keep this light turned on, while admitting to myself that one day it needs to be reignited. Not by anyone, but myself. After all, people in my life tend to be temporary and I am wishing you are not. How naive of me.

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