On Friendships

I have had many really close friends throughout the years. I now have almost none. I often walk into rooms where I meet people who used to be close to me. Now I don’t even feel comfortable greeting them. Maybe not everyone experiences this. But I do. So I thought about it.
When we make new friends, we start spending time with each other. We get into each other’s personal space. We see all the different colors of each other. We learn each other’s secrets, behaviors, talents. We are at first fascinated by each other. Charmed by the other’s qualities, capabilities, generosity, willingness to love and give to the world, their knowledge, their intellect. You find so many things about each other. You learn from each other.
And then you get a gut feeling. You experience a confusion. The things which drove you to this person are now the very things which drive you away.
And it’s your choice to make. Can you live with these qualities on a daily basis? You have to. Because your circle defines you. You may think that if you keep a distance the bad qualities won’t affect you. But it is not true. It all affects you. These are the people you spend time with, hear their thoughts, see their actions, it all adds up to your persona. You become them. And they become you. So you gotta make the choice. Do you want to be that person?
If the answer is no, then you gotta part ways.
Maybe it’s painful to part ways with a close friend, but it will be more painful to stay close with people whose action, behavior, habits, circumstances are all bad influence to who you want to become. To who you see yourself in the future. It’s not an easy choice, but you got to think for yourself. That’s who you are responsible for. Not for the other. They are responsible for themselves.
And if as a result of your choice to part ways they choose to break you, hurt you, tell your secrets to others - it’s them. It’s not you. This is who they choose to be. And you chose not to be that person. Therefore you do not have to respond, hurt them back, or break them in order to feel right.
People come. People go. They give and they take. It is up to you to stop once in a while and observe who you are becoming. Are you closer on the road to who you want to become? That’s when you make the decision to unapologetically remove anyone who doesn’t feel right for your development at this stage of your life. You are responsible for you. Only after you take full responsibility for your actions and the results from them, good or bad, only then can you change the situation and shift your life.
Note to self:
The best way to see the true self of a person is to travel with them, live with them, or have a difficult situation to live through with them. It’s easy to be kind when you are comfortable. Only under stress can people show their true colors. Only behind closed doors people feel ready to take their social masks off. This is when you see their habits. When you see what they care about. If a person says how much they value order, but their homes and cars are more than often a total mess, how is this living up to their claims of appreciating order? Humans have ways of manipulating who they are in front of others. If we repeat a fact about ourselves a dozen times, even if it is not true, others start to identify us with this fact, and in response to characterize us with it. You can try it for yourself. As simple as that. Very few people actually care to look a bit deeper and see for themselves if this “fact” is true or false. Why? Because it’s easier this way. And we, humans, almost always prefer easy.
