10 Harsh truths about Indian parents
One of the most wonderful feelings in the world is being a parent. Nothing can compare to the joy of bringing a new life into the world. But with it comes immense responsibilities. Parenting doesn’t come with a user manual. Even a lifetime’s worth of experience may not be enough to figure it all out.
“The thing about parenting rules is that there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult” -Ewan McGregor
The parenting style in India is predominantly value-based. People’s duty to family, parents, children, and society goes beyond their self-interest. It is to a large extent determined by how parents themselves were raised.
Indian parents are some of the most emotionally-generous parents on the planet. Despite their noble intentions, their methods are unfortunately not the most constructive.
Here are some of the harsh truths about Indian parents:
1. Comparison
Many parents consider it normal to compare their children with other children. Be it their relatives, children from the neighbourhood, friends or even a sibling. Parents want to instil a competitive spirit in their children because they feel that it is the only way to be successful in life.
They believe that only if you strive to be better than others will you achieve something worthwhile. And if you don’t measure up to their standards, you aren’t good enough.
Underneath all this is a lot of fear — of you never surviving in the adult world. What parents don’t realize is that this can lead to the development of an inferiority complex — the feeling of “I am not enough.”
Parents are yet to come to terms with the fact that test scores alone aren’t the yardstick to judge a child’s intellectual ability.
2. Fear of what other people think
Indian parents give an unfair amount of prominence to what other people say, over and above their children.
This is because they come from a school of thought that says: If children aren’t taught the importance of valuing another person’s opinion of them, they grow up being selfish, callous or indifferent.
They lived in a world where an individual’s reputation could make or break him. The community was seen as an extended family and their opinions mattered.
What they don’t understand is this. There is far too much at stake in our lives to live them just to please others. Of course, we must be empathetic, kind and tolerant of others’ viewpoints.
But never, under any circumstances, should we allow the mere opinions of other people to dictate how we live our lives.
3. Imposing their dreams
Circumstances would’ve forced many Indian parents to compromise or give up on their dreams. They want children to achieve all those things that they couldn’t. Such parents tend to impose their dreams on their children.
Another driving factor is the notion that children are incapable of making sound decisions for themselves.
Sounds reasonable, but the fact remains that this rarely helps the child. The burden of expectations and obligations becomes far too heavy to carry on their shoulders.
When children are pushed into doing things that don’t make them happy, they grow up being discontented with their lives or resenting these choices.
4. Emotional Manipulation
Parents firmly believe that every decision they make on behalf of their child is selfless and well-intentioned. According to them, this is always done keeping their child’s best interests in mind.
When coaxing and cajoling don’t work, many parents resort to emotional coercion. And then setting the obligation trap.
They might be doing this unaware. But they do need to realize that it can be very detrimental to the well-being of a child. The emotional scars caused by this may be very difficult to heal.
5. Destroying curiosity
Developing curiosity may be the most important skill for a child. Children learn and grow by questioning everything around them. This helps them develop imagination and creativity.
But often parents kill this curiosity at a young age by discouraging them from asking questions or just asking them to be quiet. A child who asks too many questions is considered to be too annoying.
This often leads to a negative connotation about asking questions. There are so many grown adults in India who refrain from asking questions because they don’t want to appear stupid.
6. Viewing the world through their understanding
Parents in India love sharing their knowledge, and giving advice (sometimes unsolicited… ahem!). This is why they insist on giving their two cents on every topic under the sun.
That’s not all, they become emotionally attached to their opinions. They have a hard time adjusting to new and shifting perspectives. They do this for 2 reasons:
- They want their child to follow their ideology as they consider it to be the best.
- They want to protect their child from making the mistakes that they did.
Parents need to understand that we live in a dynamic world that is changing really fast. What worked yesterday may not work today. And, parents disregard the importance of adapting their worldview. Change is not only possible but necessary.
7. Controlling every aspect of the child
India is still a largely traditional society. Parents consider their children as an extension of their own identities. Children are taught that every decision they make or action they take impacts the entire family or community.
So, in effect, parents feel that if the child messes up, it will reflect badly on them. Parents want to micro-manage everything. Sometimes they are unable to hold back their opinions and constantly override their children’s decisions. In their bid to be over-protective, they deprive children of the right to think independently.
As Kahlil Gibran, the famous writer and poet wrote in his poem On Children:
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.”
8. Lack of trust
Familiar with this innocent line “No matter how big you grow, no matter where you go, you’ll always be my baby”? Makes your heart melt, doesn’t it?
However, some Indian parents have taken this literally. Many parents don’t trust their children and have no qualms accepting it openly. They think their children are too immature to make any decisions.
When children sense that you don’t trust them, they stop trusting themselves. They don’t feel confident in making mistakes.
9. Not apologizing
This is so common for many Indian parents. While children are taught to always respect “elders”, the reverse is not always true. Apologizing is a duty solely reserved for children, not adults. This arises from the fear that apologizing would diminish their authority.
Parents consider this as a sign of weakness. They do not want to display any signs of vulnerability lest they be viewed as unworthy of the child’s respect.
Children need role models when they grow. Apologizing when you’ve messed up shows that you are honest and you care. It also establishes trust on many different levels. Grown-ups make mistakes too!
10. Not involving children in discussions
In India, parents feel that children’s opinions don’t count when it comes to important decisions.
I earn. I pay all the bills.
I am not answerable to my children.
Why do I need to take my child’s permission?
Children are considered to be too young to contribute meaningfully to any discussion. This is why they are often left out of the decision-making process.
Involving children in the decision-making process helps them understand the needs of another. Children feel that their opinion matters. It also teaches them problem-solving skills.
Being a parent is a huge commitment. The impact created by parents on a child’s life cannot be fathomed in words. With such enormous pressure, one is bound to make a lot of mistakes. But the important thing is to accept and learn from them.
There is no need to live by the old rules, especially if they don’t serve us or our children well. This entails unlearning a great deal in order to make room for new ideas and beliefs. It is time Indian parents realize that parenting is more about the child than it is about the parent.
Thank you for reading!
