Emptiness

Nish
Nish
Oct 6, 2017 · 4 min read
Credit : Me (Paradox)

It’s been almost a month that I have lost something within me. Something that every human strives for. Something that makes a human “human”. For me it’s not worthy. Not that I don’t like to possess it within me, but things have changed for me. It’s something that a child will feel immediately after birth right to the eternal slumber.

I don’t think I have it now. It’s not that I have always been very possessive of it, but for me it wasn’t something I really understood throughout my life.

The Emotional Attachment

Yes. I don’t feel attached emotionally to anything, anyone now. I have lost this very element of “life”. Circumstances have really made me who I am today and it is for greater good. Time is a misery in itself. And that the patience and endurance are the two slow poisons of life.

Morality

I cannot really differentiate what is correct and what is not. Everything seems to be in-place in their own perspective now. A terrorist having his/her own reason to be in that place. An engineer who has lost his attachments. A writer who wrote a novel about evil being defeated by some greater good being.

Everything seems to be normal for me now. I don’t even know what “normal” really is. A mind that has lost interests in almost anything. A mind that thrives in isolation. A mind that is lost within the great silences. A mind floating like a leaf in the gentle breeze of solitude.

Perhaps, it might be due to being aware of the present — the now. Yes! The Right Now.

It’s not the consequences of the meditation I have been doing, which I have started “again”. Previously (ages ago), when I used to meditate I used to be filled up with depression due to some existential crisis. Now, it’s just me. Don’t get me wrong. I have never been to any meditation centre of which I highly think of “f**k it”. The real meditation is when you start to contemplate your own mind. For me “optimistic nihilism” has started to become a consolation for existential crisis.

What you do is what the whole universe is doing at the place you call ‘here and now’. You are something that the whole universe is doing, in the same way that a wave is something the whole ocean is doing. The real you is not a puppet which life pushes around. The real deep down you is the whole universe. — Alan Watts

Who you really are, you almost have to go by yourself. Stop talking. Stop thinking words and be absolutely alone. Listen to the great silences. Then if you’re lucky, you’ll recover from the illusion that you’re just small me and so and so. And you’ll change the state of nirvana.

Because it’s very difficult to find out while you’re with other people. The reason is other people are busy all the time telling you who you are, in many many ways — by the laws they impose on you, by the behavior riots they set upon, by the things they tell you and by the facts that they always call you by your name — and by the fact that you live among people and always in the state of chattering.

“You cannot smooth rough water using a flat iron” — Alan watts

Incantation of fear kills a man. Hope might resurrect him.

The only thing I fear is me. I don’t know what I have become or what I will be. Perhaps I am my own figment of imagination, a faint portrait.

Nothing surprises a man more than finding the true soul within himself.

But hope is a paradox. While it eats a man from inside, it might resurrect the man from outside.

Inspiration

Now, I get inspired by almost anything — be it the cockroaches in the kitchen, a paper floating in the air, a poop on the ground, a dog that’s trying to find food in the vastness of sewage. Even a stone on the road has its influences.

What I feel is we are like donkeys chasing carrots that are dangled before their noses from sticks attached to their collars. This is one of the classic examples of modern civilization. Having said that, the very donkey still inspires me. It’s merely a symbolic representation. You can replace the donkey with yourself — it’s okay to do that.

And the darkness that has always inspired me. Let the darkness uphold the light within. Let it create certain values within your soul.

Live. Don’t just breathe.

We think “breathing” is living. Just think. Are you really living your life? Or someone else’s life?

How do you know if a man is truly the man you see?

Rewind your life. And make choices that really matter.

Choice

I am not saying you have to isolate yourself from the society. Because that’s impossible to do at modern times. Be like a lotus on muddy water. That’s your choice. We live in a society where we are bombarded by the judgment from the people who judge themselves as morally stable.

“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.” — Alan Watts

Your mind can create all the abundance you could ever imagine, so you need to protect it like it’s the only possession you have. Don’t be the prisoner of your own mind.

So you choose what you take to be your preferred choice. Or does simply making the choice help create the preference? It’s always a paradox in itself.

For me,

The idea of being socially isolated is pretty conspicuous. My mind thrives where isolation and solitude lies. When you find me, do let me know if it’s me because I have lost myself to the unknowns, to the emptiness. I can’t really find myself.

Nish

Written by

Nish

Paradox. Solitude. Kafkasque. Trying to exist among Chaos, Caffeine and Code (and Words). http://www.nishanpantha.com.np/