Older man, younger woman

understanding death

These past two weeks have been difficult for me, let alone for the people those lives have been deeply altered by the death of a loved one. The first person to die was a man in his sixties, the second a female in her thirties. Completely unrelated people who shared a diagnosis of cancer. Cancer does not discriminate based on age, gender, friend or foe. Cancer just attacks. In the most secretive of ways. From within. You cannot see it approaching. There are few, if any warning signs. One day you are healthy, the next day you are not, and will never be again.

Why am I so affected by these deaths? These people were friends, not family. I had not seen either of them in a while. I was in infrequent contact with them, their families. Yet why do I cry? Why do I mourn? What do their deaths mean to me?

The older man, he was my parents’ age. So I imagine my parents’ death. I imagine myself breaking down. I imagine being unable to rise from my bed. I imagine myself dialing my parents’ number and not hearing their voices on the other end. I imagine my parents’ death and I am overwhelmed. I am incapacitated. I am alone.

The younger woman, she was my age. So I imagine my death. I imagine my parents and brother mourning. I imagine my family visiting my empty apartment. I imagine my funeral. I imagine my death and I do not feel sad. Because I do not take care of anyone. I am not needed in the same way the younger woman was. The younger woman was a mother, a wife. Others depended on her for their well-being. Her death is unjust.

Is there a higher power orchestrating who lives and who dies? Or is it just a random lottery? It’s comforting to believe that there is a plan. But what plan calls for the death of a new grandfather, the death of a new mother? The random lottery theory is more plausible. Did life not originate from molecules coming together accidentally in a primordial soup? Does it not make sense for death to occur by chance as well? But as humans we try to attach a theory, a purpose to everything. We try to see patterns even where none may exist.

So I ask myself, did the older man and the younger woman share a commonality? Did they both discover the meaning of life? Did they both fulfill their purpose on this Earth? I can say from my brief observations of them that they were both optimists. They created good lives for themselves and their families. They formed meaningful connections with people around them. They may have fulfilled their purpose. If I am creating a pattern where none exists, so be it. I am only human and trying to understand death.