Is your relationship slipping into psychological control?

How does emotional manipulation gradually strip away your autonomy?

In this series on intimate partner violence, we have examined various forms of abuse, including economic manipulation and financial control. We have discussed how verbal abuse often serves as an early warning sign of deeper issues in relationships and how it can gradually lead to emotional manipulation. In this post, we shift our focus to how these abusive behaviours can intensify into psychological control, establishing a deeply damaging form of domination that becomes increasingly difficult to escape.

Understanding psychological abuse in relationships

Psychological abuse in intimate partner relationships builds on the foundations of verbal abuse and emotional manipulation, creating a more pervasive form of control. While emotional manipulation targets a person’s feelings, psychological abuse affects a person’s mental state, perceptions, and decision-making processes. It distorts reality and undermines autonomy, often with the goal of dominating and harming the victim. Psychological abuse is typically more consistent and severe than emotional manipulation and includes tactics that deeply interfere with a person’s sense of self and reality.

Challenging stereotypes: Are women always the victims?

The answer is no, and I will explore this further in an upcoming post.

From emotional manipulation to psychological control

Psychological abuse often involves various forms of verbal abuse and emotional manipulation, such as gaslighting, love-bombing, and the silent treatment. These tactics become more severe and harmful over time. The following are common manifestations of psychological abuse. These behaviors are often interrelated, with one form of abuse leading to or reinforcing another.

Isolation increases dependence

The abuser discourages or forbids the victim from seeing friends, family, or engaging in social activities, effectively isolating them from support networks and increasing their dependency.

Before getting married, Tabitha was a very social person. She came from a large family and had well-established connections with her siblings, aunties, uncles, and cousins. She also had many friends, some from childhood and others she made during school years.

After she got married, her family and friends would often visit, but her husband, Shi, would always make snide remarks about them. Gradually, Tabitha started taking these comments to heart and began to distance herself from her loved ones. During gatherings, if guests lingered, Shi would rudely usher them out, either by directly telling them to leave or by subtly removing chairs and taking away drinks. He rarely acknowledged anyone who visited; if he encountered a guest at home, he would walk past them as if they were invisible, never acknowledging their presence. Unsurprisingly, this treatment deterred many from returning.

Whenever Tabitha went to visit her mother, friends, or relatives, or attended a function or party, Shi would call her incessantly. To escape the constant interruptions, she started leaving her phone at home, but Shi would then contact the people she was with, demanding to know where she was and when she would return. This relentless pestering drained all the enjoyment from her outings. She also suspected that some friends and relatives had stopped inviting her to events to avoid the hassle of dealing with her intrusive, overbearing husband.

Blame-shifting creates self-doubt

Blame-shifting is a tactic where the abuser deflects responsibility for their actions onto the victim, making the victim feel at fault for the problems in the relationship. This strategy allows the abuser to avoid accountability and maintain control.

• The abuser blames their aggressive communication style on the victim’s supposed lack of listening. “You are the one who is not listening to me, which is why I have to raise my voice.”
• The abuser blames their anger on the victim’s sensitivity. “You are always so sensitive; that is why I get angry with you.”
• The abuser shifts blame for their jealousy and violent actions onto the victim’s perceived behaviour. “If you had not been flirting with that person, I would not have gotten jealous and hit you.”
• The abuser justifies their harmful actions by blaming the victim’s behaviour. “You made me do it because you were being really annoying” or “You are the one who is always causing trouble, and I am just reacting to your behaviour.”
• The abuser blames the victim for the children’s bad behaviour. “You are the reason Enid failed to get into university, why Sarah is not getting married, and why David is abusing drugs.”
• The abuser blames the victim for any problems in the relationship. “If you were more understanding, we would not be arguing all the time.”

Mind games distort reality

The abuser engages in mind games that cause the victim to question their memory, sanity, and perception of reality. These tactics are designed to manipulate and control, leaving the victim feeling powerless and increasingly dependent on the abuser.

Emily’s partner, Jack, used relentless mind games to control her, gradually eroding her confidence and sense of reality. He would alter details about their shared experiences, insist they had discussed things they had not, and claim she had agreed to things she never did. When Emily questioned him, Jack accused her of being forgetful or overly emotional, dismissing her concerns. The abuse escalated when Jack began to move Emily’s belongings, hide her keys, and even delete messages from her phone, all while denying any involvement. When she expressed confusion, Jack suggested she was becoming paranoid, even implying she might be developing a mental illness.

During arguments, he would say, “You always blow things out of proportion. No one else would put up with your craziness.” Over time, Emily began to doubt her own memory, questioning whether she was losing her mind. Jack would rewrite significant events in their relationship, insisting he had never said hurtful things and accusing Emily of fabricating stories. He even claimed she had initiated harmful actions, deepening her sense of guilt and confusion. This sustained abuse shattered Emily’s sense of self, leaving her emotionally drained and mentally exhausted.

Triangulation fosters insecurity

The abuser brings a third party into the relationship dynamic, creating jealousy or competition to make the victim feel insecure and inadequate.

“I was talking to my ex-girlfriend the other day, and she told me how much she misses me. She said I was the best partner she ever had and that she wishes we were still together. It is nice to know someone still finds me attractive. Before we got married, my mother told me you were not good enough for me, and she was right. All my friends think you are too possessive and controlling. They preferred my ex because she used to let me go out with them every day. She never complained about anything and always did what I wanted. She did not nag me about doing the dishes, laundry, or having no food in the house.”

Jealousy traps in a cycle of abuse

The abuser uses jealousy as a means to justify controlling behavior, making the victim feel guilty for maintaining other relationships or interests.

Prossy’s boyfriend, Elly, had multiple relationships with other women, yet he became intensely jealous whenever she interacted with any man in public. He would pinch her thigh painfully and later berate her in private, using degrading names like “bitch” and “whore.” Despite Prossy supporting Elly financially for nearly a year, he maintained strict control over her, refusing to let her go anywhere without his permission and isolating her from her social circles. He even forced her to change her phone numbers to sever contact with friends and family. Prossy felt increasingly trapped, fearing he was on the verge of physically assaulting her. This fear was realised when Elly choked her in front of a friend — an incident that pushed her to escape the relationship. She eventually managed to leave by moving abroad, breaking free from the misery he caused.

Elly’s jealousy led him to accuse Prossy of flirting with every man she interacted with, whether they were colleagues, friends, or family members. He demanded to know every detail of her conversations, insisting that she only socialise with him. He also monitored her social media, becoming enraged if she liked or commented on posts by male friends. Elly often accused her of being a “tease” and a “flirt,” claiming she was trying to attract other men’s attention. He even dictated her clothing, insisting that it was too attractive for other men.

Deprivation controls through denial

The abuser may withhold basic needs, such as sleep, food, or medical care, as a means of exerting control.

Bella has been married for ten years, but she only manages to get a decent night’s sleep when she is away from home. Her husband constantly disturbs her throughout the night, complaining about various issues. He deliberately pulls the bedclothes away from her and pushes her, leaving her with little or no space to sleep. Occasionally, his pushes are so forceful that she ends up falling off the bed. Bella often wishes they had a spare room, as she would move into it immediately. However, in recent years, she has been forced to sleep on the floor due to her husband’s behaviour.

Intimidation instills fear

The abuser employs intimidation to instill fear and a sense of powerlessness in the victim. This can manifest through physical posturing, destruction of property, and stalking.

Physical posturing

Picture this: your partner stands in the doorway of your office, blocking your exit, arms crossed, eyes glaring, and jaw clenched in anger. You feel trapped and intimidated, with a deep sense of unease as they invade your personal space in a threatening manner.

Destruction of property

The abuser breaks objects, punches walls, or throws things to instill fear. Deliberately destroying their partner’s belongings causes both financial and emotional loss while demonstrating their capacity for violence and control.

When Fatou was in high school, she visited her elder sister Alyssa during one holiday. By the end of her stay, Fatou had vowed never to get married. One night, Alyssa’s husband, in a fit of rage, smashed Alyssa’s favourite vase against the wall. He then destroyed her laptop, ripping out the keyboard and smashing the screen. He even slashed her clothes with scissors, cutting them to pieces. A few nights later, he smashed the television because Alyssa made a comment about one of the actors being attractive and then dropped her phone into a glass of water. On another occasion, Alyssa was drinking Chivas while her husband drank beer. Enraged, he accused her of acting like royalty just because she was drinking a more expensive beverage and then emptied the bottle into the sink. Fatou realised that if someone could cause such destruction within two weeks, they were fully capable of violating their partner’s sense of security and well-being.

Stalking

Stalking is not limited to movie stars or celebrities. It can happen to anyone, turning everyday life into a constant state of fear and anxiety.

Abby repeatedly follows his girlfriend Sarah to her workplace, arriving at the same time as her every morning. He sits in his car, watching her through binoculars, and takes photographs as she walks into the office. He tracks her movements on social media, monitoring her every post and comment. He shows up at her favourite coffee shop, sitting at a table near her, staring until she feels so uncomfortable that she has to leave. Sarah feels constantly watched and monitored, unable to escape Abby’s surveillance. She begins to alter her daily routine, avoiding certain places and activities in an attempt to evade him. But no matter what she does, she cannot shake the feeling that he is always there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for his next opportunity to exert control. This relentless stalking strips Sarah of her sense of safety and autonomy, leaving her trapped in a web of fear that she cannot easily escape.

Control erases autonomy

The abuser exercises control over the victim’s actions, decisions, and autonomy, often through relentless commands and demands.

Al insists that Shamie account for every hour of her day, demanding to know where she has been and with whom she has spoken. He controls her access to money, withholding her allowance if she does not comply with his demands. He dictates what she wears, refusing to let her leave the house unless her outfit meets his approval. He monitors her phone calls and messages, growing angry if she communicates with anyone he disapproves of. Al isolates Shamie from her friends and family, forbidding her from seeing or speaking to them. Shamie feels trapped and suffocated by Al’s constant control, unable to make any decisions without his approval. Every aspect of her life is dictated by Al, leaving her powerless and stripped of her autonomy.

Fear induction keeps victims powerless

The abuser instills fear in the victim through threats of violence, explosive behaviour, and constant surveillance.

Med frequently threatens Ingrid, warning her to watch what she says or he will break her bones. “Do you know what happens to women with loose mouths? Witches are burnt,” he menaces. He tells her that if she dares to question him again about coming home late, spending her money on alcohol, or seeing other women, she will face severe consequences. Med often wakes Ingrid in the middle of the night, shouting accusations of infidelity. He claims to have been watching her, insisting that he knows everything about her interactions with others. Ingrid lives in a constant state of terror, always on edge, never knowing when Med will next erupt into violence.

What are the impacts of psychological abuse in relationships?

Psychological abuse can have devastating effects on the victim’s mental and emotional health. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Victims may also experience a loss of self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and a sense of helplessness. Over time, psychological abuse can erode a person’s sense of identity and autonomy, making it difficult for them to leave the abusive relationship.

Concluding reflections at NITE TANZARN IntellectNest

As we conclude this exploration of psychological abuse in relationships, it is important to understand how this form of control develops and deepens over time. The sequence typically begins with isolating the victim, which increases their dependence on the abuser. It then progresses through tactics that break down the victim’s confidence and sense of reality, such as blame-shifting and mind games. As the abuse escalates, it manifests in more overt forms of control and intimidation, ultimately eroding the victim’s autonomy and sense of self.

At NITE TANZARN IntellectNest, our mission is to shed light on these insidious patterns of abuse, offering insights and tools to help victims recognise the signs and take steps toward recovery. Reclaiming your sense of self and autonomy is not only possible but necessary for a healthier future.