Becoming the Adarsh Bahu
Crash course offered by Piyush Verma and I
She wakes up early morning, prepares for breakfast for the family and tiffins for her two kids and her husband. Then she proceeds to irons and lays out the clothes for the kids and husband before getting dressed herself in a saree, with head covered, of course. She then makes tea, takes it first to her parents-in-law, and touches their feet. Next is giving her husband his tea while she gets the kids ready. With breakfast done and bags packed, she sends the kids off to school and the husband to office. Then, her day begins, each day, a new day with wonderful opportunities to cook, knit and embroider for her family.
Have’t you always aspired to have the above life? Our college seems to have disappointed a lot of people by refuting the statement about offering the “Adarsh Bahu” course. But worry not, we are here for you. Here’s a quick crash course in becoming the best frigging bahu to show your mother-in-law the finger when she tries to point out a mistake (figuratively of course — the only finger you should lift in front of your mom-in-law is the ring finger to put tilak on the Ganesha idol every morning).
The syllabus will cover:
- Communication:
As in all spheres of life, communication is key for a bahu. The art of silence is the most essential skill that you should train in, the second one being apologizing for others’ mistakes as if they were your own.
Mother-in-law asked you to cook matar mushroom for dinner and then claims she has always hated mushroom? Apologise for your blunder and go cook something else right away.
You were going out with your friends, but mom-in-law invited her morning walk-mates for lunch and asked you to cook her favorite paneer pakoda, tikki chaat and chana masala? Smile, say of course and walk briskly but gracefully to the kitchen. (Wait, what friends? You’re married, dude)
Husband and his friends made a sexist joke you don’t like? Don’t complain, duh. See if your husband is laughing. If yes, laugh but not too loud. - Food:
You need to learn to cook delicious food — be a world class chef.
As you should know, although you and were husband were both studying all your lives, you are supposed to learn cooking as well, ladka khana thodi banaega.
Remember your husband married “kyunki beta bahar ka kha kha ke pareshan ho gaya tha, ghar ka khana hona chahiye na.”
No, it hasn’t occurred to Indians yet that men can cook for themselves. - Kids:
Two years is the maximum you can go without having kids. I mean, what’s the purpose of your marriage, or frankly your life, if you don’t have these baskets of joy (at least one of which is male)? As a perfect bahu, you are expected to give your parents-in-law a grandson as soon as possible. Anything you would say to justify otherwise is an unacceptable excuse.
If you are unable to conceive, you should go see a doctor (you, not your husband because by now you should know that your husband can do no wrong), determine the cause of your infertility and rectify it right away. Ya fir babaji se tabeej le aaenge.
Once conceived, be sure you only eat the foods prescribed from the Great Book of Ancestral Knowledge to ensure you have a son. Stay away from any bad influences that may result in a daughter. (Remember, no matter whether your husband gave you his X chromosome or Y, you hold the power to birth a boy) - Self-Grooming
A good degree is a must. Your qualifications should allow your parents-in-law to tell Mr. and Mrs. Verma about their well-educated bahu who is now giving up her career to take care of her family (because why do you need to work unless your husband cannot provide for the family)
Always look like a supermodel. An ideal bahu should be fair, slim, with long hair and always dressed to cover as much skin as possible.
Having skills like embroidery, knitting and stitching never goes wrong. - Sex
Never say no to sex. Not that your consent matters, it’s your husband’s right, obviously. But saying yes will go a long way in preserving your reputation as the perfect wife. Humlog modern hain ji, puchte hain par fark nahi padta.
While it is pertinent to have as much sex as your husband wants, be careful not to look too wanting. Remember that the purpose of sex is to satisfy your husband and produce kids. It is not for your pleasure. You can never ask for it and definitely never — never ever — talk about it.
Bonus information: Missionary position works best (actually it is probably the only one that works since no extensive effort is needed).
Grading with be done of the basis of:
- Theoretical and practical knowledge of the ideas expressed above: 40%
- The lack of ambition in the woman’s life (The less, the better): 10%
- Sanskar: 10%
- Amount of time she is willing to spend in the kitchen: 10%.
- The knowledge of differentiation between ‘real feminism’ and ‘fake feminism’ (Important for those with a “modern” husband — For example: Having fun is ‘fake feminism’, working hard ‘real feminism’): 10%
- Discretionary power of the male instructor and family feedback: 20%
Good luck to all the women out there, about to get married. If you, our readers, have any additional tips, please do share.
Note: Neither of the authors condone any of the above activities. If you choose to follow them, or expect them from your wife or daughter-in-law, we do not take any responsibility for the destruction of happiness in the life of the woman concerned.
