Back to my Base.

Nix
Nix
Aug 23, 2017 · 5 min read

Alcohol lost its buzz long before I took the action of abstinence…

I recall never reading wellness articles back in my twenties or thirties. What? Moderate drinking? Quit smoking? Exercise for 30 minutes a day? What is meditation? Yoga? Ha! I am not rich enough to do yoga. Yoga is for those weird “have it all together” kind of people that wake up really early and think they are awesome. What? Fast food is bad for me? Tell me when I have time to cook then. I will eat what I want. I will drink what I want. I will slam a 6 pack in 2 hours and smoke a pack of cigarettes while I do this. I am the one having fun over here, not you. To top it all off, I will go to bed drunk, come to in the morning and eat fast food for breakfast. Yeah, I will show them, those “shit don’t smell”, rich, well read, well rounded, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, want to live a quality life, weird yoga people. Watch me.

I remember one morning, back in my thirties, I pulled an all night party for myself, drinking all night long. At around 6 a.m., I decided that I may as well take my dogs for a potty break outside. I was coming down off my party, grey complexion from chain smoking all night long. I could hardly breathe, as my brain was sinking into the waters of an oncoming hangover. This lady jogged right past us. She had a bright pink tank top on, she was older than me, and she was running fast. She had her head phones on, and the morning belonged to her. As my dog was lifting his leg to pee on a bush, I watched this lady fly past us. I thought to myself, “I want to be her.”

There she was, awake at 6 a.m. and jogging. She had beads of sweat running off her body as she was running past me. I had beads of sweat dripping off my forehead as I was purging all of my alcoholic toxins. I felt so disgusting.

“She probably remembers everything she did in the last 24 hours.”, I thought to myself. “I remember partly of what I have done in the last 24 hours.”, I thought to myself. Ew.

Yet, I could not stop. I remember precisely, I ate McDonalds that day. I got the 2 cheeseburger meal with fries and a Coke. I then dragged my ass into work like a parent dragging their kid to the dentist. I was miserable. I made it through the shift at work. I white knuckled the entire night, hanging off the ledge of death. I was so hungover, bloated, and I could hardly breathe due to all the cigarettes I had smoked. I felt DISGUSTING.

I had many nights and days like these. Drunk, then hungover, and then feeling horribly disgusting. I weeded through the hangovers and did “normal” things to hide the fact that I was hurting. Normal things, like taking my dogs to the dog park, going on hikes with my sister, and attending family gatherings. Thing is, I was hurting the entire time. I never felt like I was breathing. Like, really breathing. I was simply taking necessary breaths to stay alive.

I knew, deep down inside that “This is not me”. Yet, I couldn’t stop the “un-me” from myself. I was becoming the “un-me”. I was the UN-ME! Ew.

I never read about wellness and healthy living because I couldn’t stop drinking. I couldn’t stop smoking cigarettes. I couldn’t stop eating McDonalds because it soaked up the booze. I look back now. It is not because I couldn’t stop, it was just I did not know where to begin. I felt like I had gone so far down the hole of shit and had no idea how to get out of my own shit. I knew that I did not want to end up one of those old folks that sat at the bar all day long. I solved that problem. I drank at home.

To make a long story short, here is what I did between 40–43 years old. I checked myself into rehab, I moved out of my living situation and into my own dry household, I am single now, I attend recovery meetings, I lost 40 pounds, I quit smoking cigarettes and weed, I exercise, meditate and do daily yoga and strength training, I go to bed by 11:00 p.m. (or earlier) and wake up at 6:00 a.m., I follow a strict and healthy meal plan, I don’t talk shit, I keep my side of the highway clean, I get my ass to work everyday, and I take care of my kid like a mother should take care of her kid. I write, read, make art, play music, I live a humble life and do my exercises right here in my living room. Turns out I never had to be rich with money to live a rich life. Youtube is awesome for powering yoga classes into my living room. Turns out one does not need to be rich to eat healthy, because spinach is not expensive. Turns out one does not need a lot of money wake up early, go to bed on time, and abstain from alcohol and cigarettes. Turns out I was spending a butt load on booze and cigarettes every week and now I save that money for my kid. Turns out, I never had to be rich or stuck up to live a healthy life. Money and ego have nothing to do with health. Willingness and a healthy emotional outlook have everything to do with living healthy.

And, you know what?

I am happy. I am actually happy. As in, “kid does not have to go to the dentist today” kind of happy. I am THAT happy. I am content to my very bones.

I now jump at the chance to read any article that promotes wellness and healthy living. You know, those “Eat healthy on $100 a month!” articles. You know, “5 things to make your mornings productive!” kind of reads. In my past, I would have told you to shove these articles where the sun don’t shine. I was the un-me, remember. I have no regrets. The un-me has made the real me go harder, go stronger, and be willing to do whatever it takes to feel well. The un-me is a part of me. The un-me was a path I chose to take for 15 years or so, only to circle right back around and find myself standing there. “Took you a while to make your way back, but now that you are here, let’s do this.” Here I am today. I am doing it. Action is everything.

Just for today, I will stay humble. Just for today, I am not going to tread the waters of complacency. Just for today, I will build my character through action.

Just for today.

Just for today.

Just for today.

I am me.

Sincerely,

Nix

)

Nix

Written by

Single-mama, warrior, lover of life, poet

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