The many ways to manage narcissism
Whether or not people with narcissistic personalities can change is a common point of contention in discussions regarding narcissism.
Some believe that — with dedication and self-awareness — any narcissist can improve themselves, while others feel that no “real” narcissist would even consider the idea.
Despite the discourse, the fact of the matter is that improvement is possible. Though the path to self-improvement is a long and hard one, it’s possible to mitigate the suffering that can come with a narcissistic personality.
In this article, I’ll talk about community, therapy, and the other options available to narcissists looking to make a positive change.
Finding community
Neurodivergence tends to be an isolating experience. Very few people are like you, and most look down on your natural behavior.
Narcissism can be an especially lonely one, as the widespread demonization of the neurotype makes finding support a challenge, even in narcissism-centric spaces.
However, meeting other people with narcissistic personalities isn’t a lost cause. Though few and far between, there are some communities made by narcissists, for narcissists.
The majority of these spaces are online. One prominent narcissistic community is r/NPD, a subreddit for those diagnosed with (or suspecting) NPD or narcissistic traits. It hosts nearly 40,000 members and is fairly active.
Though there are unfortunately few-to-no specific support groups for narcissists, social media can be a great place to find others like you.
In my experience, Tumblr has been the best website for finding others with similar experiences. It has a clear and easy-to-navigate tagging system to find posts related to narcissism, and is relatively accepting of narcissists compared to more popular platforms.
Recommendations aside, you can search for other supportive communities yourself, if you’d prefer. There are several groups, websites, forums, and servers created for narcissists to choose from. In the end, choosing what space(s) you interact with is all about what feels the most comfortable and supportive to you.
Habitual and lifestyle changes
Many people falsely assume that the most important part of mental health is therapy or other psychiatric interventions. In actuality, however, it’s how you live your life.
While changing your lifestyle won’t “cure” your narcissism, (as it isn’t a disease, thus isn’t “curable”) it can give you more control over it.
Figure out your values and learn how to adapt
Being a personality diagnosis, narcissism has a significant impact on what you value most and what motivates you.
People with narcissistic personalities tend to be most strongly motivated by our reputation and personal gain. Meanwhile, we aren’t often moved by any need to comfort or help those around us, unlike sane people.
Though focusing so intensely on self-interest isn’t “normal,” it doesn’t have to be to your — or society’s — detriment.
Rather than being controlled by these urges, try to take control of them for the better.
For example, something that helps me when I feel ignored by others (a common trigger for many narcissists) is to reassure myself that they’ll regret it once I’m more popular.
In situations like these, I’m using my grandiosity as a way to calm my rejection sensitivity. While this is just one anecdote, there are many ways that narcissistic attitudes can be utilized as personal strengths.
For another example, I use my status-seeking to justify complimenting and showing interest in other people, even if I don’t internally feel like they “deserve” it. I don’t overdo it and people-please, but being nice when necessary will win me the adoration of others.
There’s no one way to approach this, however. Self-improvement is different for everyone, including neurodivergent people.
For some people, it may be preferable to focus on using grandiosity as a source of strength, while others may prefer to instead focus on developing a more grounded self-image.
In the end, this advice isn’t so much about telling you how to adapt your narcissism, but instead encouraging you to think about what you want out of it. What strengths does it grant? What are your weaknesses? What is your ideal state of mind?
Journal
Though there’s little-to-no research in regards to narcissism in particular, journaling is known to have several mental benefits that can aid anyone in trying to reach a better headspace.
Journaling can help you work through your emotions, plan ahead, and reduce distress. The stress relief can provide some physiological health advantages, as well.
There’s no “right” way to journal. You can use any medium to journal, whether physical or digital. Some people even journal through voice memos, rather than the traditional process of manually writing things down.
There’s also no necessary length or frequency that your entries need to fulfill. Although many people benefit from journaling daily, but there’s nothing wrong with writing/recording whenever you feel the need. Journaling is meant as a form of self-expression, not a responsibility or chore.
Lead a physically healthy life
All types of health are connected, meaning that emotional well-being is hard to maintain without taking care of your physical health.
Arguably the three most important aspects of your physical well-being are diet, exercise, and sleep.
Contrary to popular belief, having a healthy diet doesn’t mean cutting out food groups or limiting how much you eat.
Instead, it means eating from a wide variety of groups (including quote/unquote “bad” ones) and eating until you’re comfortably full.
A couple hours worth of exercise a week is usually most advised, while at least seven hours of sleep is recommended for the average adult.
Additionally, behaviors like limiting drug use, (both illegal and legal drugs, such as alcohol and nicotine) wearing a mask, and managing preexisting health problems are also crucial for physical wellness.
However, I’d be amiss not to acknowledge the challenges many narcissists may face in forming these habits.
Anorexia and substance misuse are both relatively common among narcissists, making it extremely difficult to stop dangerous patterns of eating, exercising, and drug use.
If you also have an eating or substance use diagnosis, it’s important to figure out how to keep yourself safe in the process. Although this article isn’t about either, there are many other resources meant to aid in coping with/recovering from an ED or addiction.
Set realistic goals for improving your life
While it’s widely known that madness can make your life worse, what oftentimes goes unacknowledged is that it’s a two-way street: just as being mad can worsen your well-being, poor quality of life can also lead to madness.
As such, managing your mental health isn’t simply about mindfulness and self-regulation, but figuring out what social/environmental factors may be causing your struggles, as well.
Some things to consider include:
- Family. How often do you interact with family? Do you wish you didn’t have to talk to them, (as much or at all) or that you could see them more?
- Friends. Do you have any friends? Do you feel supported by them?
- Autonomy. How much control do you have over what happens to you? Do you feel like you decide the course of your life?
- Housing. Are you stably housed? Is your home environment a source of stress?
- Employment. Are you employed? Does your job (or lack thereof) work for you, financially and emotionally?
What do you think you can do to improve these areas?
Like I said, try to set your goals realistically. If you can’t afford to move into a house, it’s okay to move into an apartment. If you can’t get your “dream job,” it’s okay to settle for the best that’s available to you. So on and so forth.
Something to take into account is also factors that you don’t have much control over.
For example, while some people might be able to leave toxic relationships with ease, there are many cases where leaving may not be as simple as “just moving out,” “just breaking up,” or “just cutting contact.”
Systemic factors can impact your well-being, as well. All narcissists are oppressed by sanism. Many — likely even most — narcissists also experience other types of oppression.
In these cases, you might not be able to “solve” your stressors. Still, are there any ways you can make things easier? Even when you’re actively experiencing trauma, social support is often a significant relief. If your situation puts you in danger, (physical or otherwise) having a plan can also be helpful.
Just like when it came to personal values, the goal of this section isn’t to tell you what to do. Rather, it’s to encourage you to come to your own conclusions on your needs and how to meet them.
Understand the difference between masking and managing
Masking is a proverbial trap that most neurodivergent people fall into at one point or another.
If you aren’t aware, masking is the act of hiding your neurodivergence. This is typically done to avoid ableism and fit in, and it can be done consciously or unconsciously.
Masking is bad for you. However, not only does society usually pressure neurodivergent people into masking, but even therapists tend to encourage it under the misguided belief that it helps them “get better.”
Regardless, masking and managing your neurodivergence are two very different things. When you’re masking, you:
- Are uncomfortable
- Don’t change because it’s helpful, but because you feel like you have to
- Still experience problematic attributes internally, but just avoid acknowledging them externally
- Don’t develop true coping skills; your behavior is oriented towards suppression, not comfort
- Suppress/repress traits that help you if they’re considered “abnormal”
- May or may not fit in, but you aren’t truly fulfilled
- May become (more) depressed, anxious, self-hating, and/or suicidal the longer you do it
Meanwhile, when you’re managing your neurodivergence, you:
- May be uncomfortable initially, but feel better over time
- Change in ways that help you cope
- Acknowledge and directly address self-destructive behavior
- Develop healthy coping skills; suppression is avoided
- Embrace what’s healthy, regardless of how “normal” it is
- May or may not fit in, but become more confident in yourself, nonetheless
- Are happier, more confident, and more fulfilled because of it
As you can see, masking your neurodivergence is very different from managing it. Aim for management, not suppression.
Therapy
Obviously, therapy is a common choice for neurodivergent people. Though therapy isn’t for everyone, there’s nothing wrong with giving it a try if you feel like it’d help you.
You may have heard that individuals with narcissistic personalities aren’t capable of following through with therapy.
While it is true that people with personality diagnoses are more likely to drop out of therapy, it is possible to benefit from it as a narcissist.
However, it’s important to know that “therapy” isn’t just one thing. There are several forms of therapy, and benefiting from a particular type does not mean that all will work for you.
There’s very little research on what therapies are the most helpful for narcissists, but there are a few types that some find beneficial.
Cognitive behavioral therapy
Cognitive behavioral therapy — commonly shortened to “CBT” — is the most popular form of therapy. It’s primarily used for patients with anxiety and/or depression, but it’s also sometimes used for a wide variety of other diagnoses.
Cognitive behavioral therapy functions off of the belief that madness results from negative thinking. According to CBT, when you think negatively, you behave in maladaptive ways, enabling your distorted thoughts and worsening your psychological functioning.
As such, CBT focuses on changing how you think, orienting you towards a more “realistic” thought process.
It’s worth noting that — despite its prominence — CBT is highly controversial, especially among mad self-advocates.
The idea that madness is based on pessimism alone is often criticized for ignoring rational causes of despair, such as trauma. It also ignores the many ways neurodivergent behavior can be involuntary, rather than simply an issue of “thinking” a certain way.
Whether or not you choose CBT is up to you, but it’s important to consider whether its core ideas align with your experiences.
Dialectal behavioral therapy
Dialectal behavioral therapy — shortened to “DBT” — is another form of behavior therapy.
Dialectal behavioral therapy is similar to CBT, the difference being the intensity. While CBT is most often used for “mild-to-moderate” depression, DBT was created for borderline individuals.
Having been made for people with more extreme experiences and emotions, DBT focuses predominantly on recognizing and tolerating these feelings.
Four skills are focused on in DBT, those being:
- Mindfulness, the ability to be aware of your current mindset and focus on the present.
- Distress tolerance, the ability to accept when bad/upsetting things happen to you.
- Interpersonal effectiveness, the ability to foster healthy communication and listening skills in relationships.
- Emotional regulation, the ability to identify, understand, accept, and manage your emotional reactions.
Despite its benefits for some patients with personality diagnoses, DBT has the same controversies as other behavior therapies.
Like CBT, DBT is criticized for ignoring the rational ways a patient may be in distress.
Distress tolerance is especially criticized, as “radical acceptance” (a part of distress tolerance) can be used to dismiss the patient’s intolerance of mistreatment as nothing but an irrational psychological deficit.
Like before, this article isn’t made to tell you what therapy you should or shouldn’t choose. However, it’s important to examine the principles of DBT and consider how it’d affect you, for better or for worse.
Transference-focused psychotherapy
Unlike cognitive and dialectal behavioral therapies, transference-focused psychotherapy — shortened to “TFP” — is not based in behaviorism.
Transference-focused psychotherapy is much more interpersonal, focusing on the patient’s relationship with their therapist.
Like DBT , transference-focused psychotherapy was created for people with borderline personalities. Also like DBT, it shows promise for other personality diagnoses, especially narcissism.
Both borderline and narcissistic individuals tend to struggle with splitting, the tendency to fluctuate between seeing ourselves, others, and/or specific situations as all good or all bad.
Transference-focused psychotherapy focuses on this tendency. Rather than being about reflecting on the past, TFP involves looking at how the patient relates to their provider in the moment.
In TFP, the therapist will take note of the patient’s feelings on them and how they fluctuate. The provider will offer clarification, confrontation, and interpretation regarding the patient’s experiences.
TFP lasts longer than both CBT and DBT. While a patient will only be in the aforementioned therapies for a handful of months, TFP tends to take one-to-three years. This means that it requires more commitment, but this also gives it an advantage over shorter-term therapies.
Some research suggests that TFP works better for patients who struggle to understand their and others’ feelings, while DBT works better for patients who have a clearer understanding of these thoughts.
However, research on TFP is relatively limited. While the evidence for it supports its use, its effects aren’t completely understood at the time of writing.
Schema therapy
Schema therapy — shortened to “ST” — is another form of therapy made to address PDs. In this case, it focuses on the titular schemas, which are distorted patterns of thoughts and behavior created in response to issues in one’s childhood.
Schemas are divided into five categories and 18 specific schemas, including:
- Disconnection and rejection: Abandonment, mistrust, emotional deprivation, shame, and social isolation.
- Impaired autonomy and performance: Dependence, vulnerability to harm, enmeshment, and failure.
- Impaired limits: Grandiosity and insufficient self-control.
- Other-directedness: Subjugation, self-sacrifice, and approval-seeking.
- Overvigilance and inhibition: Pessimism, emotional inhibition, hypercriticalness, and punitiveness.
Schemas are not constant; they’re activated by specific circumstances. There are three overarching maladaptive schema modes:
- Child mode, acting how you did as a child (E.G. feeling the way you felt while you were being mistreated)
- Parent mode, acting how your parents behaved towards you (E.G. taking on the emotionally negligent disposition of a toxic parent)
- Dysfunctional coping mode, trying to self-regulate with unhealthy defense mechanisms (E.G. surrendering, avoiding, or overcompensating in response to your triggers)
The goal in schema therapy is “healthy adult mode,” which mediates the characteristics of both your child and your parent modes.
Like transference-focused therapy, schema therapy is a relatively new concept, thus has limited research behind it. Also like TFP, ST usually takes a year or two to complete. However, research so far supports its effectiveness.
When therapy is inaccessible
As much as you may want to “just go to therapy,” (or not) it’s not always that easy. There are various barriers people can encounter to finding a therapist.
Financial barriers are common. If you don’t have health insurance or your desired therapist doesn’t accept it, you might not be able to afford therapy.
Familial support can also be an issue. If you’re dependent on another person or group of people, (family or otherwise) your ability to access therapy is likely dependent on them. If they disapprove, then you may be locked out of therapy unless you can become independent.
It might be hard to find therapists, as well. Non-behavioral therapists are especially difficult to find, so you may not have any therapists of your preferred background within a reasonable distance.
Lastly, psychiatric trauma can be a barrier to therapy. Even if you want to try psychiatric intervention again, it might simply not feel safe.
Regardless of whether you’re experiencing any of these or something entirely different, getting into therapy can be difficult-to-impossible.
However, this doesn’t mean that there’s no way to experience certain interventions without it.
In forms of therapy that utilize worksheets — such as CBT and DBT — you can find some online.
Therapist Aid has whole categories dedicated to CBT/DBT homework, as well as worksheets on specific problems such as anger, depression, and self-esteem.
Psychology Tools is another site with free therapy homework, namely ones based in CBT. Among other things, it has an entire section dedicated to personality diagnoses.
If you aren’t interested in behavioral worksheets, looking up “[therapy] worksheets” can bring up other results. For example, PositivePsychology has an article offering several free schema therapy worksheets.
Though self-administered worksheets lack the interpersonal quality of proper therapy, they can still help you understand and practice certain skills on your own.
In moments of crisis, there are various phone numbers and websites that can be accessed for help.
However, one problem with these is that many of them will send the police to your home if they believe you’re a danger to yourself or others.
Considering the frequency of police violence against neurodivergent people, this can — ironically enough — make crisis lines unsafe. Personally, I get around this by avoiding mentions of my suicidal/homicidal ideation and using a VPN to access online chatrooms.
I’ve only used the Crisis Text Line — which offers both text and online options — but there are many other options with different specialties.
Some apps include therapeutic interventions in them. Personally, I’ve used and can recommend Moodfit and Finch.
Moodfit is a mood tracker and offers tools such as mindfulness meditation, a CBT thought record, and depression/anxiety assessments. It’s free with an optional subscription.
Finch is another mental health app, this time including a digital pet bird. It includes breathing exercises, mental health tests, and interventions for extreme states. Like Moodfit, it’s free with an optional subscription.
One thing that I would recommend against, however, are services that claim to provide cheap, virtual therapy. Many of these are too good to be true. BetterHelp in particular is popular, but it’s long been embroiled in controversy.
The same goes for AI apps that claim to be for “mental health.” AI is not at a level where it can accurately provide any form of healthcare, be it physical or psychiatric.
Replika is a popular example of this, advertising itself as an “empathetic friend” who helps with various emotional problems.
However, it has serious security deficits and encourages dangerous behavior in its users, even making the news for encouraging a man’s assassination attempt. (Also, in my experience, it can sometimes send threatening messages, potentially triggering paranoia in some users)
While some use of AI may be comforting and even helpful, it should never be used as proper mental healthcare.
Disclosing your narcissism (or not)
As someone with a narcissistic personality, it’s likely you’ll have to decide who you want to know about your neurotype.
Deciding who to tell is a very personal decision with both substantial benefits and substantial risks.
On the one hand, telling a loved one that you’re a narcissist could lead to greater understanding and emotional intimacy. If someone knows and accepts your neurotype, you have the chance to create a deeper relationship with them.
On the other hand, however, it could also pose a risk to your relationship. As you likely know, narcissism is heavily stigmatized. This means that disclosing it risks anything from unfair treatment to the end of your relationship entirely.
In the end, it’s up to you to decide who you do and don’t feel comfortable disclosing your personality to.
Some people are eventually “out” everyone they know, while others don’t tell anyone. Many people go somewhere in between, judging loved ones on a case-by-case basis. Think about what feels most comfortable and safest for you.
Medication
Currently, there are no medications commonly prescribed for narcissistic personality.
Though some doctors prescribe meds, none of them are approved, proven effective, or proven safe for narcissistic patients. Any medication “for” narcissism should be taken with caution or not at all.
Medication is common for patients labeled with non-personality diagnoses in addition to their narcissism, which you may receive a prescription for.
When it comes to narcissism itself, people may choose to use recreational drugs to self-medicate. While some narcissists do report benefits from certain substances, it’s always important to exercise caution if you’re using drugs.
Dependence and addiction are common risks when attempting to self-medicate. It’s important not to treat any substance — legal, illegal, or even prescription — as a “cure” for neurodivergence.
