Today Is My Birthday.

Stop Wishing Me Happy Birthday.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but can we be done with the whole “Happy birthday [insert any emoji]!” messages on Facebook? Can the whole of humanity just accept that we’re doing it wrong?

I checked Facebook this morning on the bus ride into the office. A few friends had posted fun or funny messages that I enjoyed. A few friends I hadn’t talked to in a few months even chimed in — good to hear from them and I hope they’re doing well.

But also, there are messages from people I haven’t seen or TALKED TO in 3 and 5 years. And back then it was probably a circumstantial interaction anyway. Is the problem that I’m still friends with them on Facebook, or that they’re offering up some probably-genuine but all-too-convenient and grossly unnecessary well wishes on Facebook?

May I suggest some loose etiquette for posting “HBD LOL” on someone’s Facebook page?

- If we’re friends, or family, and talk frequently, or semi-frequently, nice! Have at it. Hooray birthdays!

- If we haven’t talked in 24 months, save the message and let’s just catch up when we run into each other. Or hell, give me a call or send me an email to say hello.

- If we haven’t seen in other in 12 months, let’s fix that in real life. This is your guilt-free excuse to skip the generic message.

- If we’re acquaintances that crossed paths at some point or another and are now we’re forced to scroll past pictures of each other’s kids, let’s just break up. We’re both adults.

- If this is the only interaction we’re going to have in 12 months (because if it wasn’t already clear, I’m not going to wish you happy birthday), maybe it’s time to reevaluate our need to be Facebook friends entirely. Unfriending each other is the hardest part. Everything after that will be easy, I promise.

- Perhaps it is not so simple, and we’re in some sort of a relational gray area. Text me! Birthday text > Facebook message.

Hopefully these few thoughts will help direct your decision before that next birthday notification hits your feed. If you disagree with me, tell me how wrong I am.

Together we can restore meaning to Internet birthday messages! In the meanwhile, I’ll be reading all my messages…